First Timer

[antlers]

I guess then that we will have to agree to disagree.

What do we disagree about?

We both realize how important boundries are; we both realize we must respect and value ourselves before we can be respected and valued by others; and we both realize that it's not healthy for us or our relationships to let other people disrespect and devalue us.

That said, most spouses that walk away from a marriage tend to treat the spouse they left behind like crap. They are often rude, selfish, demanding, and cold. They think the sun and moon and stars revolve around them and each whim or desire they have. They treat us like garbage because we allow them to.

[antlers]

I guess then that we will have to agree to disagree. I feel that I have set boundaries. Yes, this has been a struggle because since our problems have started she has been all over the map with her thinking and actions. It has truly been a rollercoaster ride. And I generally either over analyze or over react as to what steps to take. So I have learned to move a little slower than I normally would.

I respect and value myself, but I must admit that this situation has been humbling and has made me readjust my thinking and boundaries at times. I have also found that some boundaries are flexible depending on the situation and others are hardlined no matter what. At times it has been a struggle with boundaries because their has been so many of them.

Actully, I am somewhat proud of how I have handled things because I have shown considerable restraint and patience (Not due to my own strength but with the help of God). My natural response and reaction to my situation would be to fight fire with fire, worry about me and the kids, put her out, and let the chips fall where they may. But because of my Bible beliefs I know that I must also continue to show love for my wife even if she isn't showing the same love back to me. I also keep in mind that my wife's mental situation has a lot to do with her actions as well. I believe that if I can keep things together long enough either she will come to her senses or she will cross a boundary that will clearly define my best option, ie divorce. Until then I believe that my best option is to address each situation as they arise.

"We all have to dig deep and do the soul searching to find where our boundaries are. We have to cast our pride and ego aside, and yet set and enforce healthy boundaries for ourself to protect our hearts and children's and our futures, as much as possible. No one can or should tell us what to do. Only you know, so pray for guidance AND strength and do what His will is as best you can." - 25

[wolverine1997]

Did I just mess up? My wife and kids get dressed. I asked her where they are going. She says to visit her parents. I ask her if I am invited. She snarls her face and rolls her eyes and in an irritated voice says "If you want to". I know she doesn't want me to go so I say and do nothing. I think now that I should have taken advantage of the invitation and went along. This would have given me a chance to spend time together with her. But it also may have just angered her more. What do you guys think. In restrospect I think that I should have gone.

Also, while watching the football game my wife gets a call on her cell phone. It is apparently an old male school mate who lives out of state that she hasn't talked to in years or at least a very long time. They make a lot of small talk about family and other schoolmates. I am in the same room with my wife the whole time and she continues to talk. Over the last year or so my wife has been big at contacting old friends and schoolmates. At the end of the conversation she tells him that the next time he comes to town to contact her and she and a few of their friends would meet up with him for dinner.

At this point my blood starts to boil. She is inviting another man out to dinner. I know she said it would be in a group setting, but I also know that I won't be invited. Am I over reacting? Should I say something to her? Should I leave it alone?

Lastly, I have been thinking about talking to her sister or mother about our situation. I know that this is against DB principles but I am desperate. I'm more inclined to talk to her sister since she is more inclined to encourage her to do the right thing. I talked to her mother about a two years ago and it turned into a disaster. She broke my confidence and told my wife everything that I said and much of it out of context. My wife was very upset. I get along with my inlaws well and they don't want us to divorce but they are content to sit back and mind their own business even though they will see their daughter walking off of a cliff. I'm really desperate at this point.
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[robx]

wolverine, I'm just going to say it,
you don't sound like much of a man,
your bible beliefs aren't holding you back from being the masculine partner that your wife would be attracted to and she isn't attracted to you anymore.

Speaking to her parents or sister to "encourage" her to do the right thing. Does that really work? If you tell her to do something will she do it? If they tell her to do something will she do it? I'm pretty sure she's inclined to do whatever she wants to do.

Yes she is going to start doing more & more things in front of you to disrespect you, I'm surprised that after 24 pages on your thread you don't have that in your head by now.

I love you but I'm not in love with you.

More times than not that is code for something else.

It usually means I'm interested in someone else (or a few other people) and you're not doing it for me anymore and I'm in the process of trading up.

You can put that bible in front of her and ask her to honor her marital commitment all you want but that isn't going to keep her with you.

You pursue her, you ask her if you can go with her places (ie. her parents) and do you see the response you get? It was disrespectful and you just let it slide.

As for getting her parents involved and they would "see their daughter walking off of a cliff", what does that tell you that you're not understanding? She is an adult and she is free to do what she wants with her life because it's her life.

What did you do to kill the attraction?
Married for 18 years, you have kids, what changed?

What work have you done to improve yourself because it still sounds like your clingy, needy, insecure and that is as attractive to a woman as Rosie O'Donnell is to men.

[tryingtilDorR]

As far as getting her family involved it sounds to me like it would be a mistake especially since you said it didn't help before and actually made it worse.

She isn't going to listen to anyone, and if anything will be more angry at you for 'turning' her family against her or at least making them think badly of her. Don't forget, in this state if any of her problems can be blamed on you she will do it.

My situation is slightly different in that my MIL was the one who had a issue with OM originally (I had head buried in the sand) so when I confided in her and my other ILs once the rest of the information came to light it wasn't like I was telling them something that they had no idea about.

However, W to this day resents that they were told more than they need to know, and I believe uses it daily as fuel to stay angry at me when she needs a reason.

If I could rewind the clock about 8 months, I would have been more discreet with the ILs. Sure, I felt good because they were and have been so supportive of me all along, but in the end it was just one more thing that created friction between me and W. In fact, the last time we got into a R talk (lasted about 60 seconds) she said that "Maybe things would have been OK if you hadn't TOLD everyone" I told her yes I agree, that I made some mistakes, but in the end she set this ball rolling forward and I was only telling the truth, but yes I should have been more discreet.

When an OM is involved I am all for disclosure if WAW won't stop contacting, but in my case I blew the whistle before she had a chance to react to the 'truth' (she had been denying/lying for a while before that).

I also realize it isn't very 'manly' to go whining to your MIL/SIL - I see this now through her eyes and am not too thrilled with myself.

Think about your situation and the possible outcomes from past experience and you will have your answer - be realistic about how WAW will use it against you.

[antlers]

In fact, the last time we got into a R talk (lasted about 60 seconds) she said that "Maybe things would have been OK if you hadn't TOLD everyone"

Yeah, right! She cheated on you, and she's blaming you for things not being OK? That sounds about par for a cheating spouse!

A response like "maybe things would have been OK if you hadn't cheated on me and lied about it" would have been appropriate!

[wolverine1997]

Guys, thanks for the insults, little insights to go with them though. I'm looking for suggestions not kicks while I'm down.

Robx, I'm not hidding behind my Bible beliefs, actually, I believe they make me more masculine because they have taught me restraint, self-control, loyalty and patience, qualities that I desperately need in this situation.

I don't think that she was trying to disrespect me. She didn't say anything improper while on the phone and the entire conversation was innocent. In her mind she was just chatting with an old friend and suggested that they all go out. If we were not in this situation I would not be bothered at all. But at the same time I know that I would be going. I do not believe that she is interested in someone else because sex is a major issue for her. Ever since the assault it has been repulsive to her.

You stated that she was disrespectful and I just let it slide. What should I have done? Tell her not to snarl her face and roll her eyes? I ignored it because anything that I would have said at that point would have led to an argument.

I do agree with you about talking to her parents. Just threw out the suggestion to get everyones opinion. I did seriously think about talking to her sister though. Not telling her any of the personal details but just getting her viewpoint on the changes that she has seen in her sister over the last couple years. But I think I should rethink that now.

Lastly, Robx, you asked me what has changed? What did I do to kill the attraction? In my honest opinion, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! I'm not the problem. Since all of the problems began with my family I believe that I have become a better husband and person. My wife has been physically attacked, diagnosed with depression, sexually assaulted, and blessed with a hyper autistic child. She has suffered so much (we both have) over the years and I believe that she has just cracked mentally. I believe that she has become overwhelmed with everything that has happened. Throughout this ordeal I have had to be mother, father, provider, cook, cleaner, doctor, therapist and friend. And I think that I have done a very good job. So if I appear to be clingy, needy and insecure it is probably because I am tired, worried, hurt and desperate and trying to make sense out of a crazy situation that I did not cause and have had no control over. So what did I do to kill the attraction? Probably the opposite of what most guys what have done by now, I have stayed by my wife's side through thick and thin and tried my best to be there for her.

[antlers]

Guys, thanks for the insults, little insights to go with them though. I'm looking for suggestions not kicks while I'm down.

Nobody here is insulting you. Do you want people here to tell you what you 'want' to hear? Or do you want people here to share with you what they know, from their own experiences?

People who have no emotional investment in a situation are sometimes able to view a situation more objectively than those who are emotionally invested in it.

You have been given suggestions here, you just don't like what is being posted to you. Nobody here is kicking you while you're down. Know this...if nobody here cared...you wouldn't be getting any responses.

I'll have good thoughts for you and your marriage.

[wolverine1997]

Not trying to be a jerk, just thought that the comments made did not truly reflect my situation. Felt like I was getting blamed for my wife's actions. She has made decisions that are ending our marriage. And granted, while most of the things that have affected our marriage were neither of our fault, she has allowed them to overtake her thinking and reasoning.

[robx]

Lastly, Robx, you asked me what has changed? What did I do to kill the attraction? In my honest opinion, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! I'm not the problem. Since all of the problems began with my family I believe that I have become a better husband and person. My wife has been physically attacked, diagnosed with depression, sexually assaulted, and blessed with a hyper autistic child. She has suffered so much (we both have) over the years and I believe that she has just cracked mentally. I believe that she has become overwhelmed with everything that has happened. Throughout this ordeal I have had to be mother, father, provider, cook, cleaner, doctor, therapist and friend. And I think that I have done a very good job. So if I appear to be clingy, needy and insecure it is probably because I am tired, worried, hurt and desperate and trying to make sense out of a crazy situation that I did not cause and have had no control over. So what did I do to kill the attraction? Probably the opposite of what most guys what have done by now, I have stayed by my wife's side through thick and thin and tried my best to be there for her.

And yet your wife is looking to leave you and possibly hook up with someone else?

Hmmmm.....

You've done absolutely nothing?!

Well if that's the case, you'd be the first on this site.