I have known people that are the way you have described your W. I don't know if it is a personality disorder, some issues they can't handle, or some type of mental illness. They think nothing of making promises and not keeping them. They may have good intentions at the time (I don't know), but for one reason or another they don't follow through. If approached about it, and "if" they give an excuse.....it is rarely anything that could be seen as "valid". They are a very stressful sort to have as a family member and be subjected to their constant irresponsibility.
My suggestion to you about how to deal with her, and your question about attraction, is for you to do nothing to help her with her issues. No matter how mean you may seem to her, do not rescue her. Do nothing to enable her behavior as it is now. Detach from her for your own health's sake and for her sake. The only way some people like this learns is from the school of hard knocks.....it certainly is not by getting excuses for bad behavior. I'm not saying that you have done that....I'm just talking in general terms.
That brings me to another subject....the children. You said they are beginning to see for themselves, so that's good. Painful, but good, b/c the sooner they realize how she is and not to depend on what she tells them, the quicker they will learn how to deal with her. As much as you want to control what she does as a mother....you cannot. You cannot do that...for everyone's sake. It may not make sense to you right now, but I hope you can just try to believe that. It's hard not to want to force her to do what she tells the kids b/c you see them disappointed and hurt, but they are going to be anyway...whether now or later. You cannot always be there to cushion everything.
She has to learn from her mistakes, bad judgments, not keeping promises, doing people wrong, and being a bad parent. She is not a child, so do not treat her as though you are protecting, covering, controling, or any of those things. Let her land hard....and hopefully learn. If she is bi-polar, then perhaps something or somebody will be able to get her attention and she'll get help. I doubt seriously that you would be that person. She will not listen to you. That's just how it is.
As long as your life is entertwined with hers, it will cause you stress, so I hope that you can emotionally detached to the place that you can tune her out of your mind and to the place that her actions will no longer dictate to your feelings. When you can come to that place, you will be so much better off.....and if she is ever going to be attracted to you again, that is when it will happen.
It is a large order, but I think you have to do it. Teach your children in an indirect way how they can carry on and enjoy life as much as possible with a mother like that. You can fill in some gaps for them, but you cannot be the mother or tell the mother what she "needs" to do b/c that is trying to fix things. It won't work and it is not detaching. You must learn to live and let live. There are things in this world we cannot fix or control no matter how much we dislike it or try to fix it. Those are people and things we must learn to leave along (let live) and we stay busy by living our own life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
