I have known people that are the way you have described your W. I don't know if it is a personality disorder, some issues they can't handle, or some type of mental illness. They think nothing of making promises and not keeping them. They may have good intentions at the time (I don't know), but for one reason or another they don't follow through. If approached about it, and "if" they give an excuse.....it is rarely anything that could be seen as "valid". They are a very stressful sort to have as a family member and be subjected to their constant irresponsibility.
My suggestion to you about how to deal with her, and your question about attraction, is for you to do nothing to help her with her issues. No matter how mean you may seem to her, do not rescue her. Do nothing to enable her behavior as it is now. Detach from her for your own health's sake and for her sake. The only way some people like this learns is from the school of hard knocks.....it certainly is not by getting excuses for bad behavior. I'm not saying that you have done that....I'm just talking in general terms.
That brings me to another subject....the children. You said they are beginning to see for themselves, so that's good. Painful, but good, b/c the sooner they realize how she is and not to depend on what she tells them, the quicker they will learn how to deal with her. As much as you want to control what she does as a mother....you cannot. You cannot do that...for everyone's sake. It may not make sense to you right now, but I hope you can just try to believe that. It's hard not to want to force her to do what she tells the kids b/c you see them disappointed and hurt, but they are going to be anyway...whether now or later. You cannot always be there to cushion everything.
She has to learn from her mistakes, bad judgments, not keeping promises, doing people wrong, and being a bad parent. She is not a child, so do not treat her as though you are protecting, covering, controling, or any of those things. Let her land hard....and hopefully learn. If she is bi-polar, then perhaps something or somebody will be able to get her attention and she'll get help. I doubt seriously that you would be that person. She will not listen to you. That's just how it is.
As long as your life is entertwined with hers, it will cause you stress, so I hope that you can emotionally detached to the place that you can tune her out of your mind and to the place that her actions will no longer dictate to your feelings. When you can come to that place, you will be so much better off.....and if she is ever going to be attracted to you again, that is when it will happen.
It is a large order, but I think you have to do it. Teach your children in an indirect way how they can carry on and enjoy life as much as possible with a mother like that. You can fill in some gaps for them, but you cannot be the mother or tell the mother what she "needs" to do b/c that is trying to fix things. It won't work and it is not detaching. You must learn to live and let live. There are things in this world we cannot fix or control no matter how much we dislike it or try to fix it. Those are people and things we must learn to leave along (let live) and we stay busy by living our own life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi. Thanks. W just sat me down to have a talk. Wanted to know about Dr sitch. Then it quickly became a discussion about her. Also a quiz about what plans I ahve for the weekend. If I am going out. Said she would just hang out tonight and study. By the end of the conversation it was her going to starbucks to clear her head and study. Which will be my W going out and coming home at 2 Am. Her plans will suddenly change. The kicker comes back to the kids. Asked if there was a movie we could all go to. Then it changed to her going out. Any ways she said she was so confused and our situation is so up in the air it is frustrating her. And the back and forth or reality and fiction conversation continued for an 40 minutes. Me listening about her problems. It all started with her wanting to know about my health.
So here is the questions and points I need direction and opinion
I believe my W is having an affair. I have no hard proof but have good clues. she is so worried that I am going out and or see oher people she is constantly spying on me FB and email acct She is having anxiety attacks quite frequently which send her into a depressed state of inability to do much of anything.... Curled up or always lying around taking naps. She keeps asking if we are moving out of state for my work. Says she doesn't know many W that are asking for a seperation that would follow their husbands to make new lives She never says Divorce. Always seperation. Doesn't know what will happen is what she says all the time.
Sandi. Thanks. W just sat me down to have a talk. Wanted to know about Dr sitch. Then it quickly became a discussion about her. Also a quiz about what plans I ahve for the weekend. If I am going out. Said she would just hang out tonight and study. By the end of the conversation it was her going to starbucks to clear her head and study. Which will be my W going out and coming home at 2 Am. Her plans will suddenly change. The kicker comes back to the kids. Asked if there was a movie we could all go to. Then it changed to her going out. Any ways she said she was so confused and our situation is so up in the air it is frustrating her. And the back and forth or reality and fiction conversation continued for an 40 minutes. Me listening about her problems. It all started with her wanting to know about my health.
So here is the questions and points I need direction and opinion
I believe my W is having an affair. I have no hard proof but have good clues. she is so worried that I am going out and or see oher people she is constantly spying on me FB and email acct She is having anxiety attacks quite frequently which send her into a depressed state of inability to do much of anything.... Curled up or always lying around taking naps. She keeps asking if we are moving out of state for my work. Says she doesn't know many W that are asking for a seperation that would follow their husbands to make new lives She never says Divorce. Always seperation. Doesn't know what will happen is what she says all the time.
Interesting, she thinks you're having an affair (or that's what she wants you to believe) because it's good cover for her.
You don't know where she goes but she goes out and stays out late.
Well if she said she was going to starbucks, go one time. 20-30 min. after she leaves, go to the starbucks, you should know which one she goes to, there could only be a few.
Does she have a cell?
When she's out call her on her cell from your cell, "hey I don't want to keep you that long on the phone, you mentioned you were going to starbucks, you know if you don't mind, before coming home, could you pick me up a grande cafe mocha? I really could go for one badly! I'd appreciate it, thank you."
Gauge her response.
She wants to play games, turn it around. You know she's playing games. You know she's not being entirely honest. You know she is confused, frustrated and feeling anxiety (guilt & confusion can do that).
You think you don't know anything but you do have these tidbits to work with and that's better than nothing.
Yes I think she's having an affair. If she has anxiety it's because of her having to hide it and come back home to you. Her being confused is the fact that she has 2 options: the new guy which is new & exciting and you the fallback plan, boring, old, familiar, secure, stable, etc.
Of course she never says divorce. This is called limbo, some people can live in limbo for years without making decisions: once you get your cake and get to eat it too, you kind of like the situation. It generates excitement, it's naughty and guilty yet that's it's allure at the same time. The same thing that makes it bad makes it wanted even more - do you see that?
Honestly some women will want a proverbial kick in the pants:
"enough of this crap, either work on this like an adult or I'm gone, now I'm making the decision since you can't, you have till friday, make it a good decision, you won't get a second chance with me. I love you but I'm not wasting my life, time & love on someone who can't do the same for me - this relationship involves 2 people not just you alone and I've decided that I'm not waiting anymore while you have your fun, yes I know all about it."
Don't you get it? She acknowledged your changes and yet still can't decide. It wasn't your changes that she was waiting for. She cake eating and oh what a delicious cake it is right now but you are the one suffering for it.
You can choose to live in limbo with her or you can choose to chart your direction out of limbo.
If she really is checking out your fb regularly, let's use this to your advantage.
Social site fake out.
Create a fake profile and fake email account for this fake profile on fb. Include a pic, a headshot of someone attractive, go to match.com or some other online dating site and look for someone you find attractive, copy that pic and create a fake fb profile with it, use a name that none of your friends will know, again make it up. Make this fb profile private so that you limit all info on that profile. Does your wife have your fb password? Change it to something she can't guess so that she can't view your fb logging in as you.
Add this fake fb profile as a new friend.
Comment on your profile on from that fake one and make the comment late at night on a night that you should be out of the house and she's at home watching the kids.
You know what you post from that fake fb profile on your fb profile,
";-)"
Don't reply to your own fake comment, let your wife see it. When she asks about it because she will, you sound surprised and say "What are you talking about?!", if she asks you who this person is, you tell her she's just a friend, I haven't checked fb in a while, didn't know she posted on my wall.
Login to fb, look for that comment from your fake fb profile, read it and then delete it (you can delete comments people post on your wall) and then tell her that she shouldn't be checking up on you, you have a right to your privacy, even be a little snooty about it, as if you've been caught doing something bad but you don't like that she caught you and you're angry that she found out as in she should mind her own business.
If she asks about it, tell her that you have nothing to say about this (and seriously you don't, don't make up anything, just tell her nothing happened, she's just a friend you recently met and that's it, don't talk about what you have done with her, nothing, "I have nothing to say about this"). Yes this is the jealousy plot line, you're creating some of your own drama now and you didn't even have to date to accomplish this.
If she gets angry, tell her this, "really, where are you going everynight that you're out till 2am?" and leave it at that. She won't respond to you, not with something honest anyways, and you can just leave the room, don't bother having a conversation on this. Your attitude is this, you're tired of waiting for her and investing your love, time & energy into her because she's no longer worth it.
Create some mystery of your own, you've been an open book for so long while you're wife is the one covering her tracks. Stop trying to impress your wife, start detaching and limiting conversations with her, appear as if you're moving on. She will notice this. At first you were pursuing and now you're stopping and now you're moving on, the comment on fb from that fake fb profile will heighten this situation.
You will need to create an email address for this fake fb profile, make it something that your wife won't know anything about.
She may even attempt to contact this person through fb, you can send msg's to people on fb that aren't your friends, take your time responding back if she does this reply back saying "I'm sorry but I don't think it's right discussing my personal life with you."
Create some drama for her to deal with. She is certainly creating a ton for you to deal with and it's disrespectful of her to do this.
That's what I would do if I was you but I'm not you, you have to be ballsy and gutsy enough to do this.
Can I ask a question after my long winded post above, are you still physically intimate with her? If you are, I hope you're wearing protection, if she is having "relations" with another man, you don't know his history or whatever he may have or has come in contact with, protect yourself, dipping your stick in another man's vanilla is disgusting and if you're wife allows this, it's a horrible thing.
Robs. Thanks. To start at the bottom of your post... No we r not intimate. We haven't been for 5 months. She lives in a seperate bedroom. So to update.. As usual my wife lied and I called her in it. She got angry and pushed the seperation thing. She ranted for a few minutes and I just listened. Took in all the info. She then calmed down. When this happens all the "real" reasons come out. Can't get past this that and the other thing that happened in our ancient past. This time she brought out the "wish she would haves". There were some nuggets or interest. It clearly showed me what a mess she is.
She said a couple of odd things. Sometimes she thinks we could work through all this crazy stuff. She sees what changes I have made. And knows they were for me not her. She said a few other things similar. Then she said she knows I will find and amazing woman. She knows I won't make any of the mistakes we made and that I will be a great partner. When she thinks that she does not feel jealous. So how could she still have marriage feelings towards me if she doesn't feel jelousy.
Well two weeks ago I have a FB ordeal like you discribed. A few goofy connections from a couple of good looking women. She found out and sat with me to go through all my women friends on FB. Used my daughter as the excuse. That a few of them posted questionable content and my daughter asked her about them. She then pointed out a picture I had taken with a ring girl at an MMA outing. She was so mad. Again she used my daughter as the excuse. Anyway I think that proves out your point.
W approached me and asked if Ixcoild check her back for zits. She pulled down her robe to he waist and laid inky floor. That went on for about 40 minutes. Then she asked if she could do mine. She rubbed my back etc for about 45 minutes. That hadn't happened in 5 months. She mentioned during our discussion that we have such a deep friendship. And that iswhIg she could wax my back and we could check eachothers backs etc etc. Just too bizare.
Right now I am struggling with "do I want to turn this around or not". I know in most cases this is nothing. Most people are still sleeping together and the Was still wants out. It is all just so insane.
Sandi. I tried to not cover for my W. Friday night she took off to study and the kids were not happy. W said she would be back just going to get a coffee and study at Starbucks for a bit. So the kids were sad and hungry. So we went out and ate at their favorite place. The kept insisting on calling their mom to get her to come. We I broke down and let them call her. She did not answer.
Come to find out at midnight when she got home that she left her phone home. That never happens. Truely unheard of as my W is attached to it all day long. She was mad yesterday and said she wants us to tell the kids what is going on and for us both to come up with a schedule for seeing the kids on the weekends. It just keeps getting better. I told her I am trying to focus on the kids having fun at this time of year. Also focused on my Dr's appts. That has fallen off the W Ctually cares wagon at this point. As she said it "I am sure it is nothing. You will get through this with no problem.". This sickness messes with her plans. She wanted to tell the kids this week about us sliting up and decide our schedule for visiting family for Xmas. Holly insanity batman. Really...tell a 9 & 6 yr old that we are seperating 1 month before Xmas?
yes, she's having an affair, she's all about herself lately, and as such, the kids feelings just aren't at the forefront of her thought process.
The fb thing will work, she mentions that you will be nice to the next woman you're with to make you feel better, of course she doesn't sound jealous when she says it, if you were to do something than she would be jealous.
The backrub thing I'm guessing happened after her questioning all the women on your fb page.
She was tagging you, marking her territory. I'm sure the backrub she gave you was more than just a clinical rub, she put a little effort into it and you enjoyed it I'm sure. If that happens again, have some fun with her, you may have had an opportunity to be intimate with her, don't hold back next time, be exciting and unexpected, throw a wrench into the plans.
She also got mad after your backrub incident because she went, maybe hooked up with the other guy, she got mad because maybe she felt guilty as if almost cheating on the OM with you.
Have you considered the possibility of getting your wife a new cell phone and a GPS device for XMAS?
Would be a wonderful christmas present; you could always keep in touch and maybe swing by to say hello to your lovely bride once in a while. Dem there collegiate library parking lots are mighty dangerous at 2 o'clock in da mornin'. You would hate for anything to be happening to her that you could stop with modern technology.
SQ. That is funny. My W researched gps tracking devices and where they would be put on a car. She printed it out. She also researched listening devices in the home and how they worked. Her anxiety hits and gets her out of whack and then the paranoia hits high gear.
When she came home late there were no lights on in the house. She said it was childish for me to that. I said it was childish as our son must have shut out the lights not me. And it was true. Today she took down picture of her and I and replaced it with a picture of the kids. Of course she waited til the 30 minutes that we se eachother in the afternoon to do it. Yet this morning she made me breakfast including coffee and juice. And sat down and ate breakfast with me.
I am just looking for a breather from the insanity so I can get through all these Dr visits and tests. But she can't seem to cut me that slack. Oh well just another day in db paradise. But I can really use a cheesburger. Anyone have one?
I wasnt being funny. I was being roundaboutly suggestive.
Quote:
My W researched gps tracking devices and where they would be put on a car. She printed it out. She also researched listening devices in the home and how they worked. Her anxiety hits and gets her out of whack and then the paranoia hits high gear.
