I may be next

[TrentC]

Early on in this I mentioned we should see Michele to help sort this out once and for all.

Sunday she starts to ask about it. Who is this person how much etc etc.

I tell her about DB and that I have read the book. She really didn't like that or the talk about counselling.

WHY did you tell her about MWD or DB? Why did you bring up counseling at all?

The DB and DR books are meant for you. You've pretty much ensured that any work that you do to try to patch things up will now be viewed with suspicion because you're not being "genuine", you're working a "program" or a "scheme" to win her back.

She had this huge diagnosis of our marriage and crap. Was totally sarcastic about the fact I had read a book about relationships.

...such as this.

You can't make her want to work on the R. She is obviously not in a place where she wants to talk to you about this stuff yet. So stop trying to do it.

[gettinsomenads]

Hey Trent,

I had mentioned this way earlier when things just started to go off the rail.

She is the one who brought it up yesterday.

I saw it as a ray of hope. So I talked about it.

Trent, I don't know if you have read my story or not. For 2 years I have been walking around on eggshells afraid to say anything.

This is the 4th time in 2 years she has pulled this.

I cannot walk around on eggshells. I simply tried to present it as this may be something that might help us. Not you must do this.

I am someone who belives everything happens for a reason. She brought it up I talked.

If it was wrong it was wrong. If we don't work we don't work. If this was the first or second time this happened I might not feel that way

This is the 4th time. My last ditch effort. I am still not taking any S**T from her. What's she going to do divorce me?

[gettinsomenads]

Hey Trent,

Not that I don't appreciate your input though.

Thank you

[TrentC]

Hey Trent,

Not that I don't appreciate your input though.

Thank you

It's freely-offered advice, worth what you paid for it.

[gettinsomenads]

Okay

So she just phoned me at work. Started in about how in the new small town we are moving to she can't find a good job and wants to open her own business.

OMG she basically wants money from the credit line. She is basically hinting that she may try to work it out if I agree to this.

WTF am I supposed to say here? Of course on the phone I wasn't exactly like OH YAA!

She says now that I am listening to you I'm not really sure. (I said so basically you want an advance on your settlement?)

I cannot stand this BS any longer!!!!!

Suggestions???

[TrentC]

OMG she basically wants money from the credit line. She is basically hinting that she may try to work it out if I agree to this.

Bullsh!t, She wants to use you to feather her nest. Call her bluff. "I don't think it makes sense to run up such so much debt while you are deciding whether or not to remain in this marriage."

She says now that I am listening to you I'm not really sure.

I'm not sure what this means. So first she hinted that she might be willing to work on the R if you give her money, then changed her mind before you could give her an answer?

(I said so basically you want an advance on your settlement?)

That was pretty stupid, actually. You don't respond emotionally to this stuff. Your default answer should become "I'll have to think about it and get back to you."

I cannot stand this BS any longer!!!!!

DB'ing is hard work. You are free to decide that you don't want to do it, and file for divorce yourself.

Suggestions???

Start living up to your screen name.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Suggestions???

Sure. "No."

Puppy

[gettinsomenads]

Hi Everyone,

Okay the business and a few other things have basically blown over.

I talked to my DB coach on Tuesday and she really help me identify what is not working here and what I need to change.

At this point I am working on the less is more principle.

One thing that I am struggling with is that my wife is going to the "Parenting after separation" course tonight which in my province is manditory for a legal separation to be granted.

How do I handle this with her? I mean do I ask how it was? Do I try and validate her on it or what?

I guess I could be really tired and in bed when she gets home.

I think basically of course it feels like one more step towards separation and I don't want to talk about it and get pissed off and fight about it. Or get needy about it.

[gettinsomenads]

Bump

[TrentC]

One thing that I am struggling with is that my wife is going to the "Parenting after separation" course tonight which in my province is manditory for a legal separation to be granted.

How do I handle this with her? I mean do I ask how it was? Do I try and validate her on it or what?

Why would you ask about it? It seems like an excuse to bring up an unpleasant topic. I'd just leave her be.

I guess I could be really tired and in bed when she gets home.

That would work; or, find someplace else to be and come home later.

I think basically of course it feels like one more step towards separation and I don't want to talk about it and get pissed off and fight about it. Or get needy about it.

That's because it is a step towards separation; but you're not there yet. There is a long way to go before this is over.

If you're going to get emotional or upset about it, then definitely don't bring it up. Getting emotional about it is likely to strengthen her resolve.