WAW on suicide watch, what now???

[MHL]

Have been busy all morning since about 7 am, cleaning the house, My Dad and his W #3(married 20 years) are arriving late tonight to spend the long weekend with me and the kids. I always like to have a clean house for guests. I actually like to clean and it is part of my GAL or more over being true to myself. Before I met my W, you could say I was a neat freak or a little anal about keeping my apartment(at the time) straight and clean. My W on the other hand was the complete opposite of me in this regard, poor organization skills, never put things away, and was/is a rampant pack rat. I knew this going into the R, but Love is Blind and Opposites do attract.

While cleaning today before we go over to a friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner I started to get down b/c I was actually missing my W, even though this was one of our major problems. Actually it was my problem and in the past I would get angry and withdraw, not talk or sorta slam things around to let W , D13, S9 know that I was upset b/c I felt like I was doing all the work. I actually was doing all the work, no lie, hard to believe that the H was the cleaner in the house.

The reason I started to think of her is from reading a book called "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Great book for those M not in crisis or headed for D but just need to make a poor marriage better or a good marriage great. It Christian based and quotes scripture on every page. In short this book outlines that we should compliment our spouses for their/our shortfalls. For my W she did not and could not keep a clean, unclutter house, I on the other hand was exceptional at it. It was not in my W's nature and therefore she wasn't the best person in the R to do it. She on the otherhand brought other qualities to the R that I did not excel at such as cooking. What I realized too late is that I should actually be happy that I am the one doing the house keeping work in the R and appreciate what she does/did best in R.

This was such a point of contention in our M and I would say a major contributor to our downfall. Everyone recognized that I did way more in this area of keeping the house in her family and my family. My W somehow inherited the trait from her Mother who also does not keep a very straight home. What is ironic is that I used to look down upon my MIL and my favorite family member on my W's side was her aunt (father's sister). My W's aunt and I used to talk at length how I carried more than my fair share of the house keeping duties, it was theraputic for me to talk to her, I did/do love her aunt. Now my W's aunt hates me and her MIL loves and supports me. What I now realize is that instead of talking poorly about my W, I should have pointed out her strong points that she brought to the M and recognize and embrace the balance.

Back to my point of thinking about and missing my W. If I could turn back the hands of time I could've handle things differently. I could've actually shown her love instead of resentment for something I was naturally good at and she was naturally not that good at. I know it is not healthy to live in the past, I can not help but think that if we ever get back together this would no longer be an issue between us just b/c a change in how a view the responsibility now.

Just venting here, not going to do anything stupid like try to contact her and sell her on this point or any of her family. I will be with friends in a little bit and the feeling will pass. I know I will feel better coming back to a clean house b/c that is what I like, not b/c I did it to compliment my W. I think that is GAL or at least finding me again and doing things that make me happy.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!