He has to project all his guilt and bad feelings on you; that's what he does...always.
Can you imagine yourself as a giant mirror so that when he starts his spew it's reflected back at him? Everything he says to you is really about him.
Bunny, you are finally putting yourself first, finally deciding to take care of YOU. Your kids will be fine...your H? Who knows. I know the only chance you have is to change what YOU are doing and to stop feeding into the role he's written for you.
Be strong! At least your parents are coming over...it's all going to be okay.
I mean, what did he think? That you'd be his doormat for the rest of his life, no matter what his bad behavior was? Oh, yeah; he DID.
When my H and I were in the thick of things, I had a mantra that I chanted over and over in my head: DON'T OWN OTHER PEOPLE'S CRAZY. I had enough of my own crazy to work on, so I didn't need to take responsibility for anyone else's.
Don't own his crazy!
(((Bunny)))
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
He's mad that I surprised him with this, and especially mad that I'm ruining the kids Christmas.
He's mad you did something he didn't expect & didn't/couldn't control. He's gaslighting & using your 'hot buttons' (the kids) to guilt you back under his control. I hope you can recognize it for what it is & let it roll off your back.
Keep your eyes on the horizon & let the mile markers slide by (him getting mad was inevitable.. it just happened sooner than you 'thought' it would)... you will still be out of the house soon (the horizon).
Stay safe.. you are in my prayers today. Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
He has to project all his guilt and bad feelings on you; that's what he does...always.
Yes, that's what he does and it's how he gets at you, into you. Every time. Not this time!
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
Everything he says to you is really about him.
SD's spot on here, too. keep reminding yourself. Will a repeated answer like, "I am not going to discuss this today. I'll talk to you tomorrow." back him down at all?
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
...stop feeding into the role he's written for you.
Bunny, you know the way SD phrased this summarizes your entire sitch. Not today! Not this weekend!Be unshakeable. Be that mirror. Deflect. Buy into nothing!! There is no, "well maybe he's right, there," He is right about nothing! Go into the bathroom often to center yourself, calm yourself. Summon up all you've learned. How far you've come. How much clarity you've gained. Think of us. We're out he here. Right now. Praying, hoping, watching along.
You are out of that role now, woman! For good!
(((((Bunny)))))
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Dinner was uneventful, thank God. H hasn't said much of anything today, and he's watching a movie with the kids now, so we haven't discussed anything further. H did lock me out of some our joint computer databases- like our reference database with all the passwords. So glad I copied that earlier- I figured he would do that.
His big complaint was about the kids- that I'm gonna ruin the holidays for the kids, plus S19 just recently regained his equilibrium after leaving for college- he had a bad adjustment period, but now he's happy and feeling good about school. H is afraid I'll set him off again, but I think H is underestimating how strong he is, how strong they both are.
He is also upset that I felt the need to be secretive about this. He figured this would a jointly planned, gradual exit. I guess that means he expected me to do this on his terms and schedule. "Why did you need to do this now? Things have been bad for a year- you couldn't wait another month? If you're dead-set on screwing Christmas, why didn't you leave today?!?" I refused to engage him on this one.
After all, he doesn't beat me, and we don't fight everyday (he goes after me verbally in those bad R discussions which have been about every other month). So why do I feel that I have it so bad? And honestly, I didn't know how to explain it.
