WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

More reflection on my situation from the past year. One issue in our R over the years is that she comes from a very warm and affectionate family and I do not. There were never open displays of affection in my family growing up. My mother only started to want hugs, etc. once I moved away to college. My Mother went through early menopause (started when I was 12), had a bunch of emotional issues, and my father is very withdrawn and quiet. This made me uncomfortable showing affection openly in front of others I think.

My W on the other hand was this warm, loving person who came from a family that would always hug/kiss each other and it was very different from the environment I grew up in.

As a result, I was always 'pursued' by my W and other women I was with. I was never comfortable as the pursuer. My W would always be the one reaching out to me for affection. She can be very angry at times as well, and the flip side was that I was always the one to reach out to her to make up after fights, etc..

However, the person she fell in love with was a confident, kind of hard-to-get guy whom she pursued. Over the years I have always been very successful in my career and we have lived very comfortably compared to other people our age and I was always confident in my abilities professionally, etc. I think she respected that a lot even though she never said anything.

I have been reflecting on this point in relation to the dynamics between us over the past year. A year ago I lost my job - I had never encountered this kind of trouble in my career before. It was abotu the time she started the EA. Also, she had been unhappy and we had been having some major disagreements about her trainer and his control over both her life and S18's.

This is when the wheels fell off. I took a lower-paying job that was not too demanding and allowed me to work at home and regroup to work on M and myself. I became the pursuer, telling her I would do anything to save the M, etc. etc.

I compare this to the person I was in the past, and there is no comparison. Gone was the confident, hard-to-get guy that she had loved. Add in some stress from raising 4 kids, a demanding/stressful career and disagreements over some of her activities and differing opinons on some things related to our son and her trainer, add in a predator OM lurking and you have a huge mess!

I now remember who I used to be. I am kind of ashamed of how I have acted over the past year as far as the R/M but I went through a shocking experience after losing a job and W hooking up wiht OM so I forgive myself and can cut myself some slack. While I 'lost' my W during this whole experience I know I am a better person than I was and can better-appreciate the simple things in life that I overlooked before and have better balance.

Now I am tired of settling for the current job I have when I know I can do much more and also earn a lot more and have been looking at new opportunities. It feels good to be considered for some exciting opportunities and I have my old optimism and confidence in the future back. People are reaching out to me professionally - things are coming to me without asking - and I feel like I have my 'mojo' back in that area. I may take a new job soon that will mean some major changes in my life professionally and will be very fufilling I believe.

I also am tired of being with someone who flat out disrespects me and doesn't want to be M. I don't feel as much bitterness as before, but just realize that life is too short to be with someone who doesn't want you. Would I like to keep my family together and save my M? Absolutely, but there are too many conditions that need to be met for that to happen and it is hard
to see how we get there from here.

W has actually been kind of quiet/brooding over the past week, but polite to me nevertheless.

Happy Thanksgiving!