Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

P17,
I am so sorry about your Mum, I will pray for you and your family. (forgive me, who is IM)

Thank you.
IM is intermediary - see here(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1778202#Post1778202) for a list of DB abbreviations (believe me it's invaluable)

It is okay to feel anger and fully experience it, it is not okay to become our anger. When we beccome out anger we do and say things that we later regret and end up feeling bad about what we did or said.

I don't feel I'm becoming my anger. I am just beginning to channel the hurt, upset and grief into something more constructive. I feel the anger is working. I'm not lashing out but the words I am using are not kind, loving and caring words about W as they were before.

I wrote W a letter yesterday (you know the kind you write and then never give them) and it was full of very nasty, angry language. Never done that before but it worked for me.

Probably your W is embarrassed about her behavior and feels bad and does not want to face your Mum.

That looks to be what it is now. But that's just cowardice. The woman is dying for crying out loud. There is a time for people to man up and do things they don't want to do because it's the right thing to do. This is one of those times.

As hard as it might be I would keep up the NC, you did what was right and the ball is in her court, you can't control what she does.

You're right.

Also, you control what you feel not her. Probably you hate what she is doing and don't really hate her, that is the whole reason you are in pain over this, I know I am right there with you.

I never thought about it like that. You are right. I love her. I hate what she is doing. I wouldn't be in such pain over it if I truly hated her as this would all be so easy.

While it is terrible that your Mum is not well, your W expects you to call or text her. If you don't call or text she will start to wonder why. This is the whole point of the NC right?[/quote]

Yes it is. You are right. As I said in my reply to newmama, I slept on it and came to the same conclusion - why should I hold W's hand in this. She knows what she has to do.

The A will break we just have to be patient, you are strong and you will make it.

I will make it. I know that. And I will be stronger when I come out of the other side which is more than I can say for W.

I do have my doubts that the A will break though. But after digesting her recent email I think D's mum summed it up best 'Wonder what the weather is like on planet W!'.

@jumpyninja

I would not recommend that you engage her in any way. Keep in mind that NC is for your own benefit, giving you the strength to move on with your life or at least function normally. It appears to me that W's reaction to your mother's illness has been less than what you hoped. This has bothered you. So it would seem illogical to break NC, which is designed to build yourself up, when you most likely will get the same annoyed response that you've been getting for the past few days. My suggestion would be to accept that she will not respond in a proper manner and find other ways to grieve. You are compounding your grief over your mother by adding your grief over W's reaction. Please do not allow your subconscious mind to use the unfortunate situation with your mother as a way to try and reconcile the marriage.

I quoted all of this as it is so very accurate

I have been thinking that maybe I have been dong that subconsciously. Not a nice to think about yourself.

Like I said before, ignore W, and focus on your mother and daughter, and make them the focus of your life. I promise you that you will make it.

I keep telling myself I will make it. I know I will.

[P17]

It's been a while and I keep talking about the NC letter. If you want to know what I sent (as there are a few people who joined in on this thread recently), it's here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1875264#Post1875264

[chatterbug]

IGNORE IT.

Test one from her.

Remember what I said a few pages back.

She will come at you now.

So get ready.

She just lost P17's and D's EN's.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would not reply. "No contact" means no contact.

I would be sure to drop off her stuff (less anything you feel is rightly yours; #3 is neither fair nor realistic, and it's only going to cause more unnecessary back-and-forth than what she's worth at this point) at her workplace, at my earliest convenience.

I would be sure not to duplicate your daughter's Christmas gift.

#1 and #4 are needless mind-reading/enmeshment -- DETACH. "Whatever." Or, as SmileyPerson likes to say, "Smile and wave."

#5 is good awareness on your point -- use that knowledge to react (or, in this case, NOT react) accordingly.

Happy Thanksgiving, P. Try to enjoy the day, and be thankful for your daughter and your newfound strength.

Puppy

[P17]

IGNORE IT.

Test one from her.

Remember what I said a few pages back.

I was actually just re-reading what you said a few pages back when your reply to this was posted.

She will come at you now.

So get ready.

I did say a few pages back that I didn't think she would, and to be honest I still don't. But you were right last time so what do I know!

She just lost P17's and D's EN's.

What do you mean by that?

@PDT:

I would not reply. "No contact" means no contact.

The only contact I was thinking of making was to reiterate the NC and set that boundary again. But, as I said above, she's a big girl and has had it explained to her twice so far.

I would be sure to drop off her stuff (less anything you feel is rightly yours; #3 is neither fair nor realistic, and it's only going to cause more unnecessary back-and-forth than what she's worth at this point) at her workplace, at my earliest convenience.

Earliest convenience is at least two weeks away as that's when I will be up there getting the Xmas stuff.

I would be sure not to duplicate your daughter's Christmas gift.

I have already bought it though.

#1 and #4 are needless mind-reading/enmeshment -- DETACH. "Whatever." Or, as SmileyPerson likes to say, "Smile and wave."

You're right. I just wanted to vent a little though especially at the name. That REALLY bugs me. If she wants a D as badly as she says, then use her maiden name.

#5 is good awareness on your point -- use that knowledge to react (or, in this case, NOT react) accordingly.
Happy Thanksgiving, P. Try to enjoy the day, and be thankful for your daughter and your newfound strength.

We don't celebrate Thanksgiving over the pond but Happy Thanksgiving to you too and everybody else.

Strength I need to keep.
Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

@PDT:

I would not reply. "No contact" means no contact.

The only contact I was thinking of making was to reiterate the NC and set that boundary again.

Look at what you wrote, P17. You want to contact her to tell you you "really mean" no contact??

Nope!

Puppy

[P17]

Look at what you wrote, P17. You want to contact her to tell you you "really mean" no contact??

Nope!

Puppy

LOL ... I know. Sorry. I initially just wanted to reiterate the NC stuff. Note that I was just thinking about it.

As I said, she has and the letter AND I had to explain it to her on Monday as she arrived (so I had no choice). She has no excuse so after thinking about it I really didn't see the point of explaining it AGAIN as all it's doing is keeping the thing going that I am trying to explain I don't want ... just as you said.

She simply does not believe that I mean the NC, and to be honest I can't blame her. The only saving grace is that the contact I did make about my mum was through the IM as I said it would be. I have NOT contacted her at all in any other way since the NC letter. I HAD to speak to her on Monday when she came here but that was another of her tests which I passed, I think!

I won't be responding to the email or any further communications. NC means NC. NC means complete NC.

Thank goodness for this forum!

[chatterbug]

EN = Emotional Needs. She knows that they are gone now. Its different than what was happening before.

[chatterbug]

I would take all that stuff of hers and drop it off with IM.
Have IM contact her to pick it up. Put it in garbage bags. Anything else of hers left you should get rid of as well. Or play the game of her needing one more thing... Just one more thing....



Remember this is what IM does.

Do not drop it off at her work.

This is not life and death or very important stuff about the R.

Keep to your boundaries.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would take all that stuff of hers and drop it off with IM.
Have IM contact her to pick it up. Put it in garbage bags. Anything else of hers left you should get rid of as well. Or play the game of her needing one more thing... Just one more thing....



Remember this is what IM does.

Do not drop it off at her work.

This is not life and death or very important stuff about the R.

Keep to your boundaries.

Oh yeah, forgot about the intermediary. Agreed.

Puppy