Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

P17,
I am so sorry about your Mum, I will pray for you and your family. (forgive me, who is IM)

Thank you.
IM is intermediary - see here(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1778202#Post1778202) for a list of DB abbreviations (believe me it's invaluable)

It is okay to feel anger and fully experience it, it is not okay to become our anger. When we beccome out anger we do and say things that we later regret and end up feeling bad about what we did or said.

I don't feel I'm becoming my anger. I am just beginning to channel the hurt, upset and grief into something more constructive. I feel the anger is working. I'm not lashing out but the words I am using are not kind, loving and caring words about W as they were before.

I wrote W a letter yesterday (you know the kind you write and then never give them) and it was full of very nasty, angry language. Never done that before but it worked for me.

Probably your W is embarrassed about her behavior and feels bad and does not want to face your Mum.

That looks to be what it is now. But that's just cowardice. The woman is dying for crying out loud. There is a time for people to man up and do things they don't want to do because it's the right thing to do. This is one of those times.

As hard as it might be I would keep up the NC, you did what was right and the ball is in her court, you can't control what she does.

You're right.

Also, you control what you feel not her. Probably you hate what she is doing and don't really hate her, that is the whole reason you are in pain over this, I know I am right there with you.

I never thought about it like that. You are right. I love her. I hate what she is doing. I wouldn't be in such pain over it if I truly hated her as this would all be so easy.

While it is terrible that your Mum is not well, your W expects you to call or text her. If you don't call or text she will start to wonder why. This is the whole point of the NC right?[/quote]

Yes it is. You are right. As I said in my reply to newmama, I slept on it and came to the same conclusion - why should I hold W's hand in this. She knows what she has to do.

The A will break we just have to be patient, you are strong and you will make it.

I will make it. I know that. And I will be stronger when I come out of the other side which is more than I can say for W.

I do have my doubts that the A will break though. But after digesting her recent email I think D's mum summed it up best 'Wonder what the weather is like on planet W!'.

@jumpyninja

I would not recommend that you engage her in any way. Keep in mind that NC is for your own benefit, giving you the strength to move on with your life or at least function normally. It appears to me that W's reaction to your mother's illness has been less than what you hoped. This has bothered you. So it would seem illogical to break NC, which is designed to build yourself up, when you most likely will get the same annoyed response that you've been getting for the past few days. My suggestion would be to accept that she will not respond in a proper manner and find other ways to grieve. You are compounding your grief over your mother by adding your grief over W's reaction. Please do not allow your subconscious mind to use the unfortunate situation with your mother as a way to try and reconcile the marriage.

I quoted all of this as it is so very accurate

I have been thinking that maybe I have been dong that subconsciously. Not a nice to think about yourself.

Like I said before, ignore W, and focus on your mother and daughter, and make them the focus of your life. I promise you that you will make it.

I keep telling myself I will make it. I know I will.