My wife has asked me to go for a coffee on Sunday night. I asked what it was for and she asked me if it mattered. I said yes, it does. If it is to talk about the divorce or the properties, then I wasn't ready to discuss it. She said it was to discuss plans for our son over the 6 weeks that he is off from school. I said ok.
Why not just discuss it on the telephone? This sounds like a ploy to get you in a public place so she can start talking about things you don't want to talk about.
If you go, remember the boundary? If she wants to discuss divorce/properties, remind her that she agreed to talk about your son and that's it.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Stu, I would make a list, I know that it sounds cheesey, but make a list of OK topics, so that in an awkward silence, you dont slip and start talking about off limits topics. Discuss anything BUT what you told her you wouldnt discuss. No relationship talk. Keep things positive. If she tries to bring something up, either politely change the subject or politely leave the conversation.
Look and smell great, and dont be too hard on yourself. This isnt THE conversation that is going to save your M, but it is a good chance for you to show her your new positive mental attitude, and that you are serious about your boundary (telling her that you wont talk about divorce or separation).
If you dont think that you can maintain your PMA or keep from discussing D or separation, then you maybe shouldnt go...
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks. I will write the list and I did wonder why we couldn't discuss it over the phone. I'm also wondering if she is going to ask if she can take our son away for a holiday as well. I'm taking him to Fiji ( a trip that I originally booked fir the 3 of us ). If she is going to ask, I'm tempted to say no. If she uses me taking our son away, I plan on saying that the trip was for the 3 of us, and I even asked her after the bomb if she still wanted to join us for our sons sake, and she said no. So it us her choice not to join us. I won't have that choice if she wants to take him somewhere. Am I being unreasonable ?
The other thing I was thinking is that I have my son from Thursday through to Saturday at the moment Christmas falls on a friday this year. Theoretically, I should have him Christmas day !
I used to make lists too. If you need them they are there, if not, well, no big deal.
Why whould you say no to her taking him on a holiday? Im not arguing with you, just asking for the pros and cons. What a lucky little boy to be so well travelled! I think that before you make decisions its important to really focus on the pros and cons and ask yourself why you are tempted to make that choice. If it has ANYTHING to do with making her unhappy, its probably the wrong choice to make... Now Im not talking about just giving her the D because she thinks that it will make her happy, Im talking about you intentionally trying to give her a hard time in matters outside the D and separation. I think that in these situations, its important to be the proverbial "bigger man". My take on it is, if you know that you always did the right thing, always took the high road, you wont ever have to answer to anyone.
Since the conversation is supposed to be about plans for your son during his school holiday, it seems like it might be appropriate to discuss Christmas. But that being said, I dont think that you should try to keep her from him on Christmas... Boy, this stuff is complicated!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I'd appreciate a copy of the list. It will give me more ideas.
I understand what your saying about the holidays and Christmas, but she decided to break up our family. Not me. Am I bitter, Yes.
Why should I make things easier on her ? I won't stop our son from seeing her on Christmas day, but at the same time, she can't stop me from seeing him. She belives that a divorce will make her happy. She needs to realise the true impact a divorce has on a family. If I give her what she wants, she won't see it. Thats been my problem, I have always been too accomodating. What ever she has wanted, I have given to her. Have you heard the saying "Do what you've always done, and you'll always get what you've always got" or "Whats the definition of Insanity: doing the same thing over and expectging a different result". I need to do something different for the sake of our family.
I won't say no to the holiday (if she is planning on one), but I will be telling her I need to think about it. If she asks me why, I will use my excuse as mentioned above. At least that will make her think about it.
Maybe this isn't the best approach, and it could go either way. It could be good for our family in that she has a chance to realise the impact of divorce on a family, or she will resent me.
I'm still in two minds as to how I approach it. She may not even bring these two items up. I guess I need to prepare as much as possible for Sunday night.
Bluerain, your right, this is complicated stuff and I do appreciate all the help I am getting.
When I talked to H, I would just note things about his friends, oh I talked to so and so, and he said such-and-such! I knew that an important thing for him was his motorcycle, so that was something that we could talk about. I would try and touch on things that I knew he was interested in.
I guess that Im not trying to convince you to make things easier on her... just to consider HIS experiences.
And, I know that I have told you before, this will have damage on him, it may not be wholly apparent right now, but it will be sooner or later.
I think that this christmas (and christmas is a big deal) you should let it be the entire separated, divorced parents christmas, either you get him, or she does, or you split the day, and since its your day in the regular schedule, you should have him. Let her feel the gravity of the choice she has made.
Im sorry if I sound contradictory stu, I rarely think that there is an entirely "right" or "wrong" approach.
Last edited by bluerain; 11/26/0908:16 AM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
It's a tricy one cause we normally have Christmas lunch with her family and dinner with mine.
I went and saw the councillor yesterday. The one she used to drop the bomb. I explained the things that went wrong. She could understand why things went wrong considering everything we had been through over the last 2 years and she gave me some advice. One of the things she said that I shouldn't give up, but at the same time, I should do things that I enjoy to help me during this period. She was surprised that not one person from her family had called me to see how I was doing.
She also said it might be worthwhile for my sister to text her to let her know that she is there if she wants to talk. This way it keeps communication open if she has second thoughts and can't speak to me. My sister said she'll do it, but she doesn't want W to think that she approves with what she is doing.
The councillor also gave me alot of reading material about dealing with seperation, kids, finances etc.
She was pro marriage which was good, and she asked if w would go in to speak to her and I. I said probably not right now.
She also asked if w had someone else cause of all the work travel and nights in the city. I said no, cause I asked w and she swore on our son there was no one else. Not even an EA.
