Is this the end of my marriage?

[chatterbug]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we_czU9sJ3g&feature=player_embedded

Video for those who would actually like to hear the song.

Keep up the battle P17

[P17]

did you want any more kids???

Yes, at least one more (answered that above :)). We were trying for 9 months prior to split. Last time we tried was 3 July. She announced we're separating on 2 August.

[P17]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we_czU9sJ3g&feature=player_embedded

Video for those who would actually like to hear the song.

Keep up the battle P17

Thanks cutterbug. The words are good as is the video.

Battle for my sanity is ongoing. Battle for my M is over.

[MHL]

P17,
Forgive me for coming in very late on the thread but am I to understand that you have no hope of ever getting your M back? It seems all too new and fresh for me. I think you have a good chance of saving your M.

[P17]

P17,
Forgive me for coming in very late on the thread but am I to understand that you have no hope of ever getting your M back? It seems all too new and fresh for me. I think you have a good chance of saving your M.

The current sitch is as follows.

My mum doesn't have long to live. I went NC last Thursday but W came around on Monday and I had to reiterate the NC letter to her. Since then the IM has asked my W twice if she wants to see my mum (she doesn't have to go down with me). There has been no response. IM thinks she is not going to reply to her and I should text her myself.

I actually don't think that I could go back with my W after such cold, callous and unfeeling concern / attitude towards my mum. That is really breaking me up.

I am actually contemplating texting W myself to ensure she is getting the texts (as I get a delivery receipt) but that would break my NC. However I am wavering between what is more important, the NC or my mum. If it is just something stupid as to why shes not replied, I am also killing my M.

Before this I would have waited for the A to break. Now she is destroying any feelings I actually still have for her and my feelings are turning to hatred and anger.

I am in the anger stage of grief. And it's not nice.

[newmama]

P,sorry for repeating my q about wanting kids---I misread an answer!


Now, I just find it hard to think your W is actually evil although she may be acting like it. Let's brainstorm explanations for not going to see your mum:

1) W feels guilty and thinks your mum must hate her for what she did& is afraid to face her

2)W doesn't want to leave OM alone to go visit

3)W needs to get time off from work...what are other reasons?

As you can tell, I am not a believer in a cookie cutter one size fits all plan, so if it is eating you alive not knowing why your W doesn't want to see your mum, then find a way to ask her.

You could send a text or an email to find out, prefacing it with a message about how this situation calls for breaking NC temporarily.

Others may disagree though.

[MHL]

P17,
I am so sorry about your Mum, I will pray for you and your family. (forgive me, who is IM)

If I may offer some advice, which I hesitate to do b/c I would say we are both more in need of advice then in the position of providing advice. FWIW, I have/had an anger management problem and went to anger management counseling for about 7 weeks and I learned a few things.

It is okay to feel anger and fully experience it, it is not okay to become our anger. When we beccome out anger we do and say things that we later regret and end up feeling bad about what we did or said. It sounds like you have considered the alternative that it might be some other reason she has not replied. I would go with that assumption before I would jump to other conclusions w/o more info.

Probably your W is embarrassed about her behavior and feels bad and does not want to face your Mum. There is a reason you still love your W and that part of her you still love would not just ignore the texts. I bet she is anguishing over it right now. The fact is you just don't know. As hard as it might be I would keep up the NC, you did what was right and the ball is in her court, you can't control what she does.

Also, you control what you feel not her. Probably you hate what she is doing and don't really hate her, that is the whole reason you are in pain over this, I know I am right there with you. While it is terrible that your Mum is not well, your W expects you to call or text her. If you don't call or text she will start to wonder why. This is the whole point of the NC right? The A will break we just have to be patient, you are strong and you will make it.

[jumpyninja]

P17,
I would not recommend that you engage her in any way. Keep in mind that NC is for your own benefit, giving you the strength to move on with your life or at least function normally. It appears to me that W's reaction to your mother's illness has been less than what you hoped. This has bothered you. So it would seem illogical to break NC, which is designed to build yourself up, when you most likely will get the same annoyed response that you've been getting for the past few days. My suggestion would be to accept that she will not respond in a proper manner and find other ways to grieve. You are compounding your grief over your mother by adding your grief over W's reaction. Please do not allow your subconscious mind to use the unfortunate situation with your mother as a way to try and reconcile the marriage. Like I said before, ignore W, and focus on your mother and daughter, and make them the focus of your life. I promise you that you will make it.

[P17]

Email from W:


P,

As I feel that I have hurt both you and your family enough I have no wish to hurt your mother or father any more by coming down to with you this weekend. As I am constantly getting mixed messages I feel this is the best action. I had wanted to discuss this with you on Monday but this didn't obviously happen.

As I have no wish to get Step-D a duplicate present for Xmas I thought it best to let you know what I would be buying her as I am sure she has given the same list to you. I was going to get her XYZ and a few other little bits.

Please when you next go into the loft can you get all my Christmas things out of it:

<LIST REMOVED>

That's all i can remember, if it is easier for you to drop these off at work for me than please do so.

Thanks

W


Not sure how to respond so haven't done so yet. I'm actually not really wanting to respond. I have the answer I need. This is the first email I have had from W. Now I have her home number, her email and her mobile. This from somebody who was reluctant to give me any contact details. A couple of things are bothering me:

1. Her email address is <marriedname>@<ISP> - I haven't come across an ISP yet that doesn't allow you to make up your email address so why use her married name. Just irritating.

2. The NC letter made it clear that D and I were moving on with our lives. That to me means no Xmas presents. That is REALLY bothering me. She is completely ignoring what I said.

3. I have made a vow to myself that W get's nothing else out of this house whether it is hers or not. She has taken enough.

4. There is a grain of truth in the mixed messages I have been giving her with my mum, although I disagree with it being constantly as this only happened last Wednesday.

5. She is trying to wrestle control of this situation again by ignoring the IM and the NC letter.

The only thing I wanted to know from W is if she was coming down this weekend. I didn't want to talk about anything else.

Will sit on this and not respond.

[P17]

P,sorry for repeating my q about wanting kids---I misread an answer!

That's okay. I hope I didn't come across the wrong way given my frame of mind just now.

Now, I just find it hard to think your W is actually evil although she may be acting like it. Let's brainstorm explanations for not going to see your mum:

I know. I understand the reasons. I just keep thinking that if it were me ... but then as a friend said last night. She is not me.

As you can tell, I am not a believer in a cookie cutter one size fits all plan, so if it is eating you alive not knowing why your W doesn't want to see your mum, then find a way to ask her.

After I wrote my message above I went to bed to sleep on it. I thought to myself that my W had been given two opportunities to come down and see my mum and she ignored them (at that point). She is a big girl, why do I need to hold her hand and keep asking and asking. She knew what she had to do.

My W is a coward who will not face what she has done and she will not even have the guts to face a dying woman she is deeply hurt. That is absolute cowardice and selfishness.