For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Well okay, deep breath before I begin.

Again today I found myself in a texting war with H. It started off innocently with talks about a Christmas tree and shopping. And before I knew it, we were firing a bunch of crap back and forth. I told him he doesn't act like a husband or a father and all he does is runs away. That pushed him to ask if I wanted him to file. I think I FINALLY get it. If I don't learn to control my emotions and shut my big mouth, I'm going to push him to file even if it's not what he really wants.

I can't believe myself. I took some time off from posting to clear my head. Then, I read through all 21 pages of posts. Do you know what I found? I am totally inconsistent! I absolutley suck at DB!

The way I've been dealing with things is not healthy, succesful or productive. I feel like I'm totally stuck in a vicious cycle. And the cycle is fueled by my emotions and reactions.

I actually thought that I had been doing pretty good with my DB efforts, but the truth is, I haven't. I've been inconsistent, angry and emotional. Even though my H has walked away, I still have expectations for him. And bc he never meets those expectations, I wind up angry, sad and emotional - and then I do/say something that I later regret.

Last year I had a bad Thanksgiving. H had been out of our house for about 5 weeks and I was devastated. He spent the holiday weekend in Indianapolis. I was very angry so I tore throw our house and took down every picture of he and I. I also printed online divorce papers. And his mom told his side of the family (at their Thanksgiving dinner) that we were separated. It was a mess!

And today I realized something. If I don't make signifcant changes - 1 of 2 things is going to happen. Either next Thanksgiving I'm going to be in the exact same miserable place or I'm going to be divorced. I don't want either of those so not changing is not an option.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel really defeated bc we are not making any R progress. But then again, part of that is my fault bc I've sucked at DB. There have been times that I've done good, but nothing has been consistent. I do well for a short time and then I'm right back to falling on my face.

For the past 16 months I have let my emotions control my actions and all it has done is hurt me and hurt my chances of saving my marriage.

It's been too long and I'm brokenhearted. I want off this roller coaster.

So, tomorrow, Thanksgiving, is a new day for me and my efforts. Out with the old ways, in with the new. It is going to take something like a miracle to keep me on task, but I'm going to do this. I'm not going to allow this to eat away at me, consuming my thoughts and my life. It's my life and I need to take control of myself.

I've had too many pity parties for myself. I've had too many thoughts of our wedding day and the moment we looked each other in the eye and said, "I do." And that brings me to tears and starts the emotional rage.

If I love my H (and I do) and if I love and respect myself (and I do), then I have to commit to doing new, healthier, smarter things. I know the sadness and pain is still going to be there, but it's time that I focus on the wonderful things in my life - which is why I decided that Thanksgiving is a great new start for me.

Reading through my previous posts I said over and over that I wasn't giving in (contacting H, R talk and that sort of thing) and guess what? I gave in. But I can't this time. If I want to get my H back, I have to make changes right now and I have to stick to them. There are no other options.

Aain I need nothing short of a miralce to finally detach and stick with it, but with God's help I can do this. And hopefully with the continued support and advice that I get here.

I have to pick myself up and be the happy, loving, thankful, kind, considerate, empathetic, funny, lovable woman and mommy that I am.

I have the power to find happiness and blessings in every situation. And when I'm feeling sad and overwhelmed I need to remember what I read from my daily devotional:

"The Bible urges us to give thanks ...all the time...in every situation...because this practice is the will of God.

Let me be clear, there are terrible things that happen to us that may not be the will of God, but us praising God and giving thanks in spite of them certainly is the will of God."

Tomorrow and this weekend might be really tuff for me bc H is not going to be around. But, I have a choice to make. I can sit and stew and be miserable or I can choose to make the most of it, be thankful for what I have, enjoy a wonderful meal with my family, enjoy my sweet DD...I choose to be thankful.

And I'm thankful that going through such a difficult time has and will continue to bring me closer to God.

Wish me luck, It's a new day and new start in just 30 minutes. : )

Hope everyone has a very blessed Thanksgiving.