Strong&Alive, yes, we are not setting the best example for our kids who know that we are not intimate. But I don't think it's better to show your kids that you solve that problem by getting a divorce! As you probably know, children of divorce have higher divorce rates themselves, as if to go on repeating their family history. But they have seen us get along and try to solve the problem with therapy and going on romantic vacations.

Well, our marriage might not be "quite good", but it's not bad. When HD people are single and live by themselves, it is not an automatic conclusion that their lives could never be "quite good" just because they're not having sexual intimacy with anyone. I don't think it's a stretch to apply that to a marriage.

Yes, sex is more than a silly activity, at leas to me. But it's hard for my wife to see it as anything more than that. That is, she understands that it should mean more, and that it means more to me, but she doesn't see it as more than that for herself. That's what happens when you've had no sexual desire for a long time. Think back to when you were a young kid and you heard about adults having sex. Many kids react with "Ewww, gross!" That's a natural reaction when you don't know or remember what sex means physically and emotionally.

Now, this isn't the first time I've posted about my situation on forums, or talked to other people. But it is interesting how EVERYONE assumes that I have not tried the obvious things, like being firm, sitting down for a talk, looking into my wife's eyes and saying we need to change this or we need to divorce. I have done all of these things and more, and that's how I got her into therapy. And so, logically, since the problem hasn't been fixed, I should then have divorced by now. In which case I wouldn't be here posting to this forum. But that is my point, I have CHOSEN not to solve this problem by saying "I'm outa here!" At least not yet.

And I don't think you sufficiently understand that incentive alone, no matter how high the pressure, and sometimes because of the high pressure, is not necessarily going to make a woman want to have sex. I don't want her to be sexual with me just because I threatened divorce. She has made an effort. It is not correct to assume that lack of success on her part means she made no effort. Otherwise you are assuming that effort to be sexual will ALWAYS succeed. And my point is that that is not case.

We last had intercourse just over a decade ago. As for how I get my needs met, let's just say those aren't details for which I'd get wide support and approval from everyone. My wife tacitly approves by not wanting to know. I suppose you could call it a low-key open marriage. And it's the last thing I would have ever believed I'd enter into when I got married. And no, I'm not happy with it, but it's the best I can manage at the moment.

I'm familiar with the righteous (even if correct) advice about how I've compromised my integrity. As if I didn't know. But my alternatives are divorce or celibacy, and they look worse. And yes, I definitely have lost perspective on what it's like to have a good, full sexual relationship in a marriage, as I realize when I read some of the replies. I see that in contrast to some of the replies, I more freely write about my sexual energy with women in general, as if my wife is just another woman. DanceQueen, for example, reminded me that the discussion pertains to only her relationship with her husband. I don't have that framework because I don't have a sexual relationship with my wife. And my framework has become the norm for me. Sometimes when I hear about a couple who've had a long-term marriage with exclusive sex and intimacy, my reaction is wow, that's amazing. It seems like it would be a really cool, neat, novel, and strange experience to permanently live with someone who willingly meets your sexual needs. Almost like it would be too good to be true or possible. It just seems too simple.