My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[Gardener]

hm, I don't know your entiresitch, I've never been in such a position so, here are some grains of salt ****with which to take the following.
IMHO,

A bit of a new wrinkle, and I'd really appreciate some input from others.

I have not yet contacted xH about my picking up D13 before they go to OW's on Thanksgiving. This morning she and I talked about it, and I tried to verify that's what she wanted me to do. But she said she's refusing to make a choice, because if she doesn't go to OW's mom's, her father will just question her and bug her about what lovely people they are and how they want to be a part of her life (whether or not she wants them to be, apparently). She's very resistant to relationships with them, both because she is aware that the woman was the reason xH left his family, and because she feels way down on his priority list--after OW's adult children and grandson. But if she goes, it will be awkward and uncomfortable; xH will essentially ignore her or she'll be asked to keep an eye on the toddler while everyone else chats and eats, and if she tries to hang out with her dad--which is, after all, the point of visitation, is it not?--he will yell at her to stop being his shadow. So for her, either option is unattractive and will lead to her being uncomfortable.

I wish I could say that I will talk to xH and explain all this and he will understand and prioritize D13's needs over his own entitlements--however, most of us don't have WAS's who are that reasonable. He's already told her not to talk to me about OW and family. However, she doesn't feel he's listening to her feelings, and she needs to talk to someone--so she vents to me. Spontaneously, without being prodded or asked.

So it appears I'm on the horns of a dilemma here. I'd really appreciate any ideas you might have about how I can meet my daughter's needs here and make the holiday more positive for her; she has panic attacks about this stuff. I know I don't tend to get a lot of responses, but for those who have been through this, I'd be happy to hear your wisdom about it.

red=Your daughters well-being comes first. These are reasons enough to tell him, "She's not coming. We'll discuss it another time but she's not coming because she doesn't want to.PERIOD" Later, get your lawyer involved if you have to.

Blue = "Daddy, you have no right to tell me who I can or cannot talk to nor about what." She has that right. To tell him. Up to you as to whether you think she should or can without anxiety or panic attack.

Italics = I have not been through this, hm. But I think you meet her needs and make the holidays more comfortable by keeping her home and the hell with the consequences for now. Screw Husband'd reactions. "And she won't be with you on Christmas either if you don't stop treating her like a baby-sitter to be ignored and dismissed as a shadow when she seeks some time from her father!!"


HM, like I said, I don't know the whole sitch, and much of my advice may not be useful at (it's certainly mostly based on my emotions when reading this).

I'd be Goddamned if I'd send my daughter there until some agreements are reached, legally or otherwise.

p.s. Hope you've taken her to Dr. re panic attacks.