DanceQueen, you touch on a lot of interesting topics, and I'll consider being a little more experimental in the directions you outline!
The interaction you have with your husband is pretty normal, and similar to what I've heard about from some other couples. I know one woman who says she likes the feeling that her husband feels he "owns" her during sex. But interestingly, she is very careful about initiating sex because it might make him feel unmanly. I'm curious, is that the case with you too? And there would be NOTHING wrong with that, and I would not take that to mean that you want to be submissive in real life.
I've heard of women (and this may not be the case with you at all, of course) who have sexual turn-on fantasies about being in very male-chauvinist male-authority situations where women are powerless, and they feel very guilty about those fantasies because they are feminists and believe in gender equality. And the advice they need to hear is that it's OK and normal to have "forbidden" fantasies which are totally contrary to your everyday beliefs. And it's great if you have a partner who understands that and is into the role-play that matches your turn ons, but doesn't assume it necessarily extends to everything else.
In the case of my wife, she had a brief period of sexual abuse in childhood, which may be related to her pulling back in recent years. Apparently, you can't just "overcome" it all in one shot, as my wife apparently hoped would be the case when she first met me. So she has some issues with being "overpowered", and I understand that. But in my case, I'm sexually flexible, perhaps as a result of having being long-term HD, enabling me to sexualize a lot of different kinds of psychological scenarios. So I can easily picture behaving as your husband does, and being turned on by it, acting on my frequent sexual impulses to satisfy myself. But on the other hand, I also have fantasies about being dominated by a woman who wants to be in control sexually, who wants to be on top, and set the pace, etc. And I also have fantasies about more tantric kind of equal sex. Or I could go a little further in the direction of being dominated, or dominate with some light B&D. I totally understand the psychology of being in either frame of mind in a role-playing sense, which allows me to understand the other party in any such situation. Which is different from a situation where only one partner likes a little B&D, but the other partner just goes along to please their partner but not understanding the psychology. So, heck, the reality is there isn't much I don't fantasize about when it comes to women and sex. What I miss most is not having a partner who is equally erotically enthusiastic, flirtatious, and willing to explore. It's not just the physical act that I miss; it has to have a rich context, just as you describe it with your husband.
As for feeling that sex is scarce, in my experience, it's been more of a case of feeling that appropriate sex is scarce. Appropriate in the sense that I'm not leading a woman on just to have sex. I've had plenty of women come on to me at work and elsewhere, but acting on those situations would likely have ended up with more trouble than they were worth. Perhaps unlike some alpha males, when a pretty young intern comes on to me, I feel flattered, but also scared about the trouble it might result in if I act on it. I picture some alpha men as just grabbing the opportunity and dealing with the consequences later. In that moment, it actually matters to me what the young intern might think of me after it's all over. In one case, it was clear the young woman had all kinds of fantasies about me that I could not fulfill in the long term, and I knew she was too young to foresee that herself. Maybe that concern is a wimpy part of me that keeps me from turning into a Bill Clinton? But it's kept me out of trouble!
And I'm sure that by "alpha male" you also don't mean the type of guy who was on one of the talk shows a few years ago. This guy refused to ever drive one of his wife's compact fuel-efficient cars because he considered it "unmanly". So he had his own Ford pickup truck with huge tires which he'd always drive. Now, in my mind, that kind of guy is just insecure, and not a true alpha male.
I'm curious, have you ever told your husband what you wrote here with regard to what you like? Or did your interactions just develop naturally over time, as each of you saw what worked for the other? I don't think you give enough recognition to the fact that he behaves this way because he knows you like it. I'm sure he's not insensitive to that.
Good points, Strong&Alive. I'll get back to you when I have a free moment.
