To givingitmyall: that sounds like wisdom coming out of you regarding indifference. You are right, it isn't something you do.
I have given up on my marriage. I guess the real thing is that I have given up on her as a human being. Anyone that can do that to someone, has lost that something that makes them warm and someone you want to be with. There is nothing there for me anymore, buy a cold soul. She crossed a line yesterday that can never be taken back.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
We had a pretty great day here all in all - lots to be thankful for. The boys were great. Mrs. T and I spent all day in the kitchen cooking up a HUGE meal, even knowing that the two of us would be the only ones enjoying it (the boys aren't big eaters) and enjoy it we did.
Yesterday morning I called a "cease fire" - I said "I don't know where our R is going. I know things are strained between us and we are discussing D, but for the next 4 days I have decided that I am going to enjoy being with my family and have a loving relationship with my wife." She replied (smiling happily) - "OK, Thank You!" And we did have a great day.
This morning we had a short R discussion in which really surprised me:
Mrs. T: "If you want to improve things in our R, maybe you should start looking at how you can change yourself and your actions."
Me: (Thought bubble "WTF, I have been doing nothing but that for a year!!, but responding calmly) Hmm. OK. What should I change?
Mrs. T: "You are not an affectionate person. You never have been. I need a lot more affection!!"
Me: (Again thinking "WTF, you have been rejecting any and all attempts at affection for the past years), "You have made it pretty clear that you don't want affection from me"
Mrs. T: "After not getting any affection for so many years, I can't just suddenly turn it on. I didn't want it, but you could at least try"
Me: "OK, I will. If I try to kiss you will you kiss me back?"
Mrs. T: "Well that's hard, after not gettting any affection for soooo long I don't really feel like kissing"
Me: "...But you can at least try. I'll try and you try. OK"
Mrs. T: "OK"
We had to end the conversation at that point. I am really not sure what she means by "Affection". I think she and I have very different view on what is "affection " (LL's) I need to get her to help me define what she is looking for. She doesn't want to do that, but...
Hey, at least she is making reconciliation noises.
and honestly, right now, I am OK with things either way they go.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
That's pretty cool. I think less talk is better. That was really hard for her to articulate, I promise. Do it your way. You have nothing to lose. Back off a little at first (she wants it to feel genuine, not like your doing it because she asked for it). If you neglected her before and now she wants "affection," you can do what comes naturally to you. None of us can say exactly what will "work," she doesn't even know what she wants. You can lead on this. Don't talk, analyze, be mousy about it. Be assertive but incremental and I think you should tease a little...build it up. Somehow, I think you know what to do here. Think sensual. That's my 2 cents.
Wow! A breakthrough conversation. Yes, I know you have been trying for over a year but don't argue; just go with it. Listen with all your senses.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Thinker, I've been watching your thread for a while. We have one thing in common, we're both INTJ's and we're not the easiest people to read. With that I'd like to share something with you that may help.
Last week my W and I went for our routine annual eye check up. We see the same ophthalmologist and 'share' the appointment time. Earlier on in her life Mrs Gno (pun intended) had corrective surgery done on her eyes. Her vision has been causing her discomfort for a while and the results were not really good.
On the drive home I could see she was upset. I, being a dumb-hard-ass-man, wasn't sure how to communicate support through the freeze shield. Finally I plucked up the courage when we stopped at a traffic light. I put my hand on hers, gave it a squeeze and said, "Don't worry, I'm sure everything's going to be OK." Then I removed my hand and retreated to my 'corner.'
A couple of hours later she came into my office and said to me, "Thanks. Today I saw a glimpse of the man I fell in love with." And I got me a hug... from the ice-queen!
Don't look for earth-shattering ways to display your affection. Sometimes its the small simple things that we do and say that communicate affection. I hope this gives you some ideas.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Thinker, think "touch and go"gestures... A kiss on the neck while she is cooking and then LEAVE the room, a cup of coffee ready, a compliment that is honest, a tender hug on her way out... There is a list in one of the books of the guy that wrote...hm let me remember, I cant, his name starts with an H I think, the one that talks about affairs/marriage builders maybe...? I will find the book, somewhere in the pile... I remember reading the list and thinking some of the things would really work with me and my biggest complaint about my H is/was lack of affection. K
stay strong!