Hi Rocked, I've been silently observing your awesome ways. Just wanted to mention that Meetup.com is a great way for GALing. I noticed that you had mentioned you were going out some nights with not really much in the way of plans. Most cities have tons of meetups (unless you live in a very rural area). There are usually eating out meetups, going to movies meetups, hiking, going out to bars, etc. You get the idea. I have to say I love the mom's groups I joined and I just look at the calendars and pick some events I think I would like. Just a nice way to turbo charge your social life and have an activity to do for every day of the week if you wanted.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Hi June, Thanks for the suggestion! Unfortunately I am in quite a rural area, have checked it out but not much available to me.
As an update to my sitch: H came home last night and told me he started doing his own research on addictive relationships/A's etc. based on our conversation from a few days ago. Said this research led him to look further into personality disorders and codependency. H very painfully admitted to me that he is realizing OW is not mentallly or emotionally healthy (What? I'm shocked! ) and that he may have codependency issues (his dad is an alcoholic) that have gone unaddressed all his life, which explains why he was drawn to her, as well as why a lot of people in his life have used/betrayed him etc. except me, of course.
Some of these things I have been trying to tell him for years, but he feels it took this crisis for him to be able to see it and get it.
This is, obviously, potentially HUGE progress....
BUT..... he still loooooooooooves her He doesn't want to believe this is true, it was so amaaaaazing in the beginning... he thought she was everything he could ever want, blah, blah, blah... But, he admits now that she has been extremely manipulative, intimidating, and even abusive to him. This man I've known, loved and admired all these years has been reduced to a puppet with a 23 yr. old flakepot pulling the strings.
He is willing now to seek help for all of this, to take a hard look at it (even though he says it feels like it rips his guts out because he feels the codependency with her took a very deep hold) and is working on taking responsibility.
This is all good, right? Potentially?
The hard part is, that because of her (potential) unstable mental and emotional state, he is very fearful to provoke her in any way and is therefore still not willing to cut things off. Is still hoping she will... What do I do with that?
The hard part is, that because of her (potential) unstable mental and emotional state, he is very fearful to provoke her in any way and is therefore still not willing to cut things off. Is still hoping she will... What do I do with that?
Help...?
B-O-U-N-D-A-R-Y
her feelings and actions are not his or yours responsiblity. Point out that is the co-dependecy talking. Show him what healthy relationships look like be setting and enforcing a boundary. he will thank you later.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
OK Coach... I hear you... I am maintaining the same boundaries I set some time ago when the A came to light... But, what specifically can I do with this? I can't control or stop him from being in contact with her. What boundaries can/do I set regarding his on-going contact with her?
The boundary I have already set is that I will not provide the priviledges of having a wife (eg. sex, laundry, extra little AOS I used to do etc.) until he is willing to commit to me and treat me with the love and respect a wife deserves. He has been respecting this boundary, but sure has tested me in each of those areas. I have stood my ground.
Is there something different/more I should be doing re: the contact issue?
Is there something different/more I should be doing re: the contact issue?
Yes, no contact. She's like a drug to him, only a little bit won't hurt right? Would your respect him if the roles were reversed?
How do you enforce it? - transparency. Access to phones, e-mail, schedules, accountability and honesty. Trust but verify.
Boundaries are about behavior, what behaviors are unacceptable to you? What you are communicating to him without a no-contact boundary is that he can have her and you. He is not in the mindset to stop, so you must lead. If you don't state the boundary the chances of this happening again are great. It is a very loving gesture to you and him to state the boundary.
You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Even when he is clear he is not yet committing to the M?
especially then! he has no incentive to commit to the marriage as long as you let him eat cake.
Quote:
I didn't think I could ask for transparency until then....?
transparency is the only way to enforce the boundary
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Even when he is clear he is not yet committing to the M?
Giving up the OW would be committing to work things out. He won't completely commit to the M as long as he has an OW in his back pocket.
Originally Posted By: rockedworld
I didn't think I could ask for transparency until then....?
You can ask for it any time you dang well feel like it. It's your boundary.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
OK, I hear what you are both saying, but I am really struggling with this. Feel like this is setting me back in my own progress a bit... Good thing I am on my way to my IC appt. right now, need to process this. Why is this causing me so much anxiety?
Unfortunately I am in quite a rural area, have checked it out but not much available to me.
) and that he may have codependency issues (his dad is an alcoholic) that have gone unaddressed all his life, which explains why he was drawn to her, as well as why a lot of people in his life have used/betrayed him etc. except me, of course.
