Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[givingitmyall]

You are fighting a losing battle here. And truth is, you're really just fighting with yourself.

Yep, true enough, and I know it, that's why I stated I understood it. Helps to try and refocus to put it down on paper, or talk to someone about it, work through the emotion, accept it, and then you can move on.

Some new tradition for just you and her.

Doing that tonight! Her and I are going to assemble a pie to bring to Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. Something we have not done before.

I expect a complete disaster in the kitchen, and maybe a marginally edible pie.

but we should have a good time putting it together!

How about a glittery pumpkin pie?

[iwantittowork]

Well, the holiday week has come and now gone.

I realize that the next few months are just going to be tough time. Between school functions and my STBXW b-day coming up, then X-mas, then my d8 birthday in January, it's a train of emotion wreck for me. *sigh*

Just today, I had school function and stbxw was there with us for a few hours. Neither of us speak to each other, and I just focus on d8, then hand stbxw her payment installment for this week when they get in the car. She doesn't walk near us or speak the whole time she is there...

I realize that emotionally I am wondering what my stbxw is up to, and want to know. Logically, I know I won't like it, whatever it is, and knowing what she is up to would only hurt me, so I am better off in dark mode, with no knowledge of what she is doing.


I went on a 'coffee date' yesterday with someone, and I was just totally not attracted nor interested in following up with another 'date.'

I am frustrated with myself. Months on now from the bomb, and a year since having physical contact with her, and over a year since we had been 'working on' our MR, that I still allow her to have this kind of control of me. It's annoying to say the least.

[BigJohn]

I realize that emotionally I am wondering what my stbxw is up to, and want to know. Logically, I know I won't like it, whatever it is, and knowing what she is up to would only hurt me, so I am better off in dark mode, with no knowledge of what she is doing.

I've been there and done that. Until I reached complete emotional detachment in my sitch I had the same problem. You are right, you need to banish these thoughts from your head as they will only hurt you. I had a good friend who asked me the other day how I was able to cope with all of what was going on with my W and our impending D. I told him that one of the things I've done to reconcile my own feelings was to recognize that for all intents and purposes my W as I knew her "died" on 1/19/09 (the day OM made initial contact with her). This has helped me in grieving the loss of my M while also helping to control earlier urges to dwell on my W's activities.

I went on a 'coffee date' yesterday with someone, and I was just totally not attracted nor interested in following up with another 'date.'

You are not alone. It's weird, but these past few months in particular I've encountered several situations where women have been actively flirting with me- good looking women- and I just can seem to get motivated or interested. Maybe it's emotional burnout or perhaps subconsciously I'm telling myself I just need a R break for awhile to just be by myself.

I am frustrated with myself. Months on now from the bomb, and a year since having physical contact with her, and over a year since we had been 'working on' our MR, that I still allow her to have this kind of control of me. It's annoying to say the least.

You know I can relate to this as well. There is a really good article on detachment that I copied the hyperlink to under a post in the "I Need Support For My Marital Problems" forum. It's a good read and worth checking out. Being able to accomplish complete emotional detachment made a HUGE difference in my ability to handle and survive my sitch.

Have a great week. I'll check back with you later.

[iwantittowork]

Being able to accomplish complete emotional detachment made a HUGE difference in my ability to handle and survive my sitch.

This is something I work on every day. I have come to realize that detachment is a process in itself, not something that just happens one day...

Somedays I am better than others, and I swing back and forth a bit, but the pendulum swings a little less with every passing day it seems.

[iwantittowork]

I am so freaking frustrated right now with STBXW.. There is nothing I can do but vent about it, the state is behind her so what does she care????

Since stbxw didn't bother using the money I had given her to pay for the mortgages, they are behind now, and she's sitting on the money as well as her inheritance, so my credit is getting dinged, and I am going to have to come up with the back money to cover it.

The court is already behind her with the temp order, so there's probably not a damn thing I can do about it.

Then she dropped off d8's tuition bill also. I don't have the money at all to carry all this, when she has thousands in the bank.

I can't even think straight at the moment, she is such and entitlement mode it's unbelievable.

[givingitmyall]

If you have a temp order in place and she's living in the house, why doesn't the order state who pays for the mortgage? I'm confused. If she isn't following the terms of the order, haul her a$$ back in front of the judge. If its your credit at stake, why aren't you paying that bill?

I know you're pi$$ed (I would be too), but you have to pull yourself out of the victim mentality ("the state is behind her" and there's nothing I can do I suppose). STOP it or you will continue to flounder exactly where you are right now. Sorry if that ticks you off, but its the truth.

Your sitch sucks (like everyone else here) and you can either pick yourself up and figure out how to fix it or stay miserable. Choice is yours man.

[iwantittowork]

GIMA, the temp order has me paying the mortgage on the house. Before we went to court and I had left, I gave her enough money to cover that month when there was no temp order and told her to pay it.

She didn't pay it, and just kept the money I handed her for her own.

[givingitmyall]

Then she owes you a mortgage payment(s). Get your L involved. Request she do it w/o having to go to Court and if she refuses there's your argument to recover your attorney's fees.

You can handle this.

[givingitmyall]

Hey man. Just checking in on you. Didn't mean to smack you in the head yesterday, but I meant what I said. You are only hurting yourself.

You just have to think it through on this stuff. And it's challenging. Not for the faint of heart.

[iwantittowork]

I don't mind the smacks in the head GIMA, I know it's me that is hurting, she could care less.. :O)

I sent the info off to the L, we'll see what he says.

It just points out who this woman is right now, I still have in my head some kind of image that she just is not. The fact that she didn't even attempt to make a payment on the house she is living in, but then went out and spent thousands on furniture boggles my mind..

I have tried, and continue to try to do what is right, but even that hurts me financially. I know that I am not perfect, and I did a lot of damage to our MR, I want to find the route to come out of this whole and happy somehow...