Yesterday I spent the evening mending all of H's pants that were in my sewing basket so I could leave with a clean conscience about them.
I was feeling better about leaving, more sure about it, but now I feel a wreck again, I'm hearing the little voice. I hate these ups and downs. I'm still battling the illusion that I have a normal marriage with getting ready for the holiday. We haven't had any blow-ups or discussions recently and that makes it tough for me when there's quite a bit of time in between.
And I did more digging and I think the $10,000 he took was a distribution from his Dad's estate that he received last year. OK, fine- but why not tell me about when he did that? Is there more to his "secret account" for his inheritance money that he's not telling me about? I haven't told him that I know what he did- I'll do that on my way out.
Yesterday I spent the evening mending all of H's pants that were in my sewing basket so I could leave with a clean conscience about them.
I was feeling better about leaving, more sure about it, but now I feel a wreck again, I'm hearing the little voice. I hate these ups and downs. I'm still battling the illusion that I have a normal marriage with getting ready for the holiday. We haven't had any blow-ups or discussions recently and that makes it tough for me when there's quite a bit of time in between....I haven't told him that I know what he did- I'll do that on my way out.
Bunny Little Girl inside Bunny Bunny
Ups and downs are normal as you know. We all have that little child inside us. Right now you just have to assure her that you have everything under control and take her sticky little hands off the steering wheel!
And when you get like that, stop, change up, go do something physical or silly.
Like skipping. Yes, skipping. Speaking of little girls, when was the last time you skipped? It's impossible to feel or think anything negative while skipping. True.
You're doing great; you'll be fine.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
"the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!... That rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!... He's got huge, sharp, er, He can leap about. Look at the bones!... I *warned* you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you *knew*, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little *bunny*, isn't it?"
from memory, should we be worried?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
The countdown has started. Thanksgiving tomorrow; I get the keys, tell H and the kids, and pack on Friday; movers come Saturday. I'm trying to stay calm.
Proposed discussion with H:
H, did you put anything into your "secret account" other than the distributions you received from your Dad’s estate? H’s answer. Well, since you already took that out of the joint account, I removed half of the balance of our savings and checking, and put it into my own account. I've done a lot of thinking about our discussion last month, and I have decided a separation is the best thing right now. I decided to go ahead and get the apartment- I signed the lease already, and I’m moving out this weekend. I'll put together some numbers and separation proposals together re: kids, Christmas, money - so we can discuss how we want to work this. Here’s what I’m planning on taking tomorrow: Oh, here are the tickets for the show on Tuesday. If you want, we can work it as a "date" for us because I wouldn't mind seeing the show, or if you would rather and I understand if you prefer this, you could take D or your sister. I do want you to go and enjoy yourself, so however you want to arrange it is fine with me.
Proposed discussion with kids, I’m hoping to do this alone:
Dad and I have been trying to work out some issues that we’ve been having in our marriage. We tried marriage counseling this fall to learn some healthier ways of communicating and dealing with our issues, and we have had a lot of discussions about things. We still have some serious issues that we just can’t resolve, and as a result, I decided that a separation is the best thing for us right now. I have an apartment at _______, and I am moving out this weekend. Dad and I are still talking about how we want to set up the custody arrangements for D because we want to work out a joint arrangement. S- you’re an adult and free to make your own decisions. I want you both to remember that Dad and I love you both dearly and we are both wanting to spend time with each of you. I need to make some furniture arrangements for your room at the apartment, it will be ready for you in just a day or two. Do you have any questions right now? Or if you have any later, grab me and we’ll talk.
Looks good. With the kids you might want to hold off using the legal terms like "custody arrangement" and instead refer to "coparenting time".
Stay strong. You can and will do this. This is the first day of the rest of your life. You will be happy. Hopefully your H will have an epiphany and realize he can't and doesnt want to live without you.
You have done everything right. You did everything you could. Walk away with your head held high. You DESERVE to be treated with LOVE and RESPECT. Expect nothing less.
You have a lot to be Thankful For. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!! PMA
You can't come on to strong. He can't see any doubt in your mind, or he will attack it. Heck, he'll probably attack anyway, so don't give him anything to aim at.
I might even leave out "for now". He could grab onto that, and try to get you into a dicussion of the future. I don't think this is a good time for that. Sure, it needs to be talked about, but after things are stabilized.
As far as "custody" or "co-parenting", at your daughter's age it isn't much more of an issue than it is for your son. No matter what is ordered, she is going to do what she wants. I don't think I'd say much about it unless D wants to talk about it. The most I might say is that "we would like you to be comfortable spending time with either of us."
No second-guessing or doubts, Bunny! You are doing the right thing.
Thanksgiving tomorrow; I get the keys, tell H and the kids, and pack on Friday; movers come Saturday.
Consider not telling the kids on Thanksgiving Day.I'd wait 'til Friday and just hustle faster to make up the time. Also, gives H less "react time".
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
Proposed discussion with H:
H, did you put anything into your "secret account" other than the distributions you received from your Dad’s estate? H’s answer. Well, since you already took that out of the joint account, I removed half of the balance of our savings and checking, and put it into my own account.
I don't know if I'd lead with this. Work it in, sure, but start here:
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
I've done a lot of thinking about our discussion last month, and I have decided a separation is the best thing right now. I decided to go ahead and get the apartment- I signed the lease already, and I’m moving out this weekend. I'll put together some numbers and separation proposals together re: kids, Christmas, money - so we can discuss how we want to work this. Here’s what I’m planning on taking tomorrow:
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
Proposed discussion with kids, I’m hoping to do this alone:
This is fine, except for the legalese "custody" "joint" "arrangement" use neutral, family-ish sounding words. And, yes, in your sitch, do it alone. Insist on doing it alone! If H butts in and will not respect alone time then tell him that he, like kids remains silent "while I say what I need to say."
Do you think you might need someone hovering nearby in neighborhood should H's reaction be over the top?
Good luck, you strong, brave Bunny, you. Many, many people will be thinking of you, praying and sending you positive thoughts that day, whichever day it turns out to be (tell us when you make final decision on that). Tap into all those prayers, thoughts, and friends - you'll feel them.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
You sound very calm, clear and strong Bunny. I'm really proud of you.
I do have a comment about this part:
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
Proposed discussion with H:
H, did you put anything into your "secret account" other than the distributions you received from your Dad’s estate? H’s answer. Well, since you already took that out of the joint account, I removed half of the balance of our savings and checking, and put it into my own account.
I wouldn't say anything about money right now, and even in the future, consult with your attorney first. If he has a 'secret' account, I think it is best that you not let him know that you know right now. If he thinks it is a secret, he will keep using it if he tries to do anyting sneaky. If you let him know you are on to him, he will find other ways which may be more difficult to unravel.
Also be cautious about characterizing the money as distributions from his father's estate. Depending on your state's law, the money could be considered co-mingled so you may have some right to it. Even if you don't want part of that money, if it could be considered part yours legally, this gives you a stronger negotiating position.
I suggest that money discussions wait. He will probably be stunned that you are moving out. Just let him absorb that for now.
