My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

A bit of a new wrinkle, and I'd really appreciate some input from others.

I have not yet contacted xH about my picking up D13 before they go to OW's on Thanksgiving. This morning she and I talked about it, and I tried to verify that's what she wanted me to do. But she said she's refusing to make a choice, because if she doesn't go to OW's mom's, her father will just question her and bug her about what lovely people they are and how they want to be a part of her life (whether or not she wants them to be, apparently). She's very resistant to relationships with them, both because she is aware that the woman was the reason xH left his family, and because she feels way down on his priority list--after OW's adult children and grandson. But if she goes, it will be awkward and uncomfortable; xH will essentially ignore her or she'll be asked to keep an eye on the toddler while everyone else chats and eats, and if she tries to hang out with her dad--which is, after all, the point of visitation, is it not?--he will yell at her to stop being his shadow. So for her, either option is unattractive and will lead to her being uncomfortable.

I wish I could say that I will talk to xH and explain all this and he will understand and prioritize D13's needs over his own entitlements--however, most of us don't have WAS's who are that reasonable. He's already told her not to talk to me about OW and family. However, she doesn't feel he's listening to her feelings, and she needs to talk to someone--so she vents to me. Spontaneously, without being prodded or asked.

So it appears I'm on the horns of a dilemma here. I'd really appreciate any ideas you might have about how I can meet my daughter's needs here and make the holiday more positive for her; she has panic attacks about this stuff. I know I don't tend to get a lot of responses, but for those who have been through this, I'd be happy to hear your wisdom about it.