here we go again

[Puppy Dog Tails]

well looks like i have set up boundaries and he says nothing to them. so now what? what am i supposed to do?

Enforce them.

What were your boundaries, and how did you state them? Did they include the "or else" (consequences) part?

Puppy

[bluerain]

There are some programs in lots of states to help with daycare. And does your work help at all? What about hiring a babysitter to come to your house early in the morning so that you dont have to wake her up at all? If you dont have to get her up and going, you get to stay in bed a little longer!

[Jstar]

ihave to be at work at 730 i'm in the income level that's not poor enough for assistance and not enough to afford mortgage and daycare. i'm screwed. i gave consequence i can't follow, and with the mother in law ignoring d2 dirty diaper and clothes, he's acting like an ass.

[Jstar]

since i did not work today and the holiday i may have an arrangement that will make me feel better about the care of d2. i am just not sure i can trust them, they claim to want to be neutral and i said, if you are the one family member i have left living and there is no one else to support me, you damn well better support me and re spect my wishes of not telling h anything.

then i won't have to see H at my work for the exchange of the d2 in parking lot, have the anxiety and stress each pick up and drop off iwth his mother not taking care of d2.

my d18 will be flying down for the birth unless she changes her mind so i will have her there to support me, help me recover and with other d2 and soon to be S 7 months in womb.

it took me 7 mos to realize he was here, alive and going to be full term of 37 weeks. both docs i see plan on surgery at 37 weeks if his lungs are good. after having a miscarriage less then a year ago i was very doubtful and still scared to death of loosing this baby as well. i have managed to get old car seats out, bouncers and things like that which for me is progress. i talk about him to d2 and all ultrasounds every appointment has been good, please no jinking, still day by day,

still under stress, doc gave another med to help me have less anxiety mood swings and such.

now the to do about H. let him wallow in his self pity. i need to be strong to fully do the lrt and get my crap together, i keep rereading it each time i do i gain more strength but the past 2 days after pick of d2 i couldn't just let his mother have dirty diapers on my girl and fat lip and on and on. each time we had exchange of daughter i was so disgusted and angry with H i could not hold it in. i think the distance of not having to see him will be good for me, give me time to think as well. we won't need to speak or anything.

[bluerain]

I agree that it will be good for you to not see him as often. And maybe it will make him see that you are serious.

I think that having D18 come give you a hand is a great idea. Is there a neighbor that could sit with D2? Do you go to a church? Maybe theres someone there. Does anyone that you work with have a daughter that is old enough to babysit?

[Jstar]

Here it is thanksgiving night, my d2 and i don't feel real well. we made it to grab some fast food, just not feeling all to well.

Looking for advice or should I say encouragement. Can my marriage be saved? I'm doing the lrt at this time.

On dec2 we have a concilliation court appoitment to try to save marriage, but i don't know if H will show or if the only news i'm going to get is it's over. How should I be in the group part of the conference?

[bluerain]

Hi Jstar! Happy Thanksgiving! Im sorry that you arent feeling so hot, take it easy tonight.

Of course your marriage CAN be saved, anything can happen. What if you looked at it this way: This is about saving YOU, making you into a better wife and learning how to have healthy patterns in your relationships. You are to learn some coping skills, and build relationships/friendships that will give you a better social support system. Now, as all of that happens, your marriage may or may not follow suit.

You should be calm, confident, and upbeat at the meeting. Dont be desperate, or pursuing in front of him. In the private part of the meeting say what ever you want, but if hes there, DB your butt off. If there is a possibility that he wont show, you need to be prepared for that too. If he says its over, dont argue with him. I know that in your head you will be saying "How could you do this to me?! Dont you love me?! Who have you become?!" But what I want you to say out loud is "I understand that you feel that way" Validate him and his thoughts, emotions, concerns, you can say that you understand that he is feeling something without agreeing that its right, or deserved, you know what I mean?

[bluerain]

Jstar, are you looking at any other threads? Theres one in the infidelity section that might be somewhat similar to yours, by newmama I think, its called "seperated, new baby, but still hopeful". Posting on other threads will increase traffic on your thread and give you some other perspectives.

[Jstar]

here it is friday night and i have remained dark for 2 days. i put my phone else where so i don't keep checking it for msgs. that will mean that wah has gone since tuesday without seeing d2 and he will probably go the whole weekend. when monday morning comes he's gonna text to say he's on his way to my work to pick up d2 and i will remain dark. i'm pretty sure i have her arranged to be cared by someone else, which will be good since she needs to socialize, i'm kind of talking myself into that.

it will also be good for my stress level being less in having to see him or his mother and remaining dark. tuesday we have concilliation appoitnment, i will go because what it says to teh court about wanting to work my marriage out, etc, have no clue if he will show, not that large of a concern other then hearing i don't want to be married anymore, but we are both locked out of doing any filings till jan so there is still hope right? I just have to get through the appointment with him if he shows. since i've been on an antidepressent my ob has even said i appear calmer even though i still ahve about a week or two to go till full effect takes place.

i don't think he will file it costs to much money and i gotta believe deep down he really does nto want a divorce like me doesn't want the same marriage, but doesn't know how to get there or to start.

[bluerain]

Oh, I absolutely agree, she does need to socialize! I also agree that this will be good for your stress level. Going dark not only helps them wonder what you are up to, it helps you to detach from things. It helps when your situation isnt constantly in your face.

Have you instituted any 180's? What are you hoping to get out of the appointment? It might be a good time to show him that you are willing to make some changes for the sake of your kids and marriage.

I dont think that my ex would ever file if I werent pursuing it. Hes never been particularlly good at dealing with things.