Question

[BeginningAgain]

H is still with OW and I know he will never give that up. He hasn't for 9 years and honestly even if he says he is going to, I know it will just be lying. So I either keep up this getting closer and closer and get hurt, give him an ultimatum and set everything back, or just deal with the fact that I will never have the full love of my husband. Tough decision.

Awest,

Your signature line says you have been together for 6 years and married for 4. So that means your H has always been with an OW the entire time of your dating/marriage? If this is true, then he has never truly committed to you. Think about this please - you are ONLY 27, do you really want to spend the next 50 years sharing a man with someone else? You deserve so much more.

Your H says "he is thinking of you", well if he really "thinks" about you, he will clear the deck of distractions (OW) and start focusing on you and your marriage.

S4H

[LolaL]

I have to agree. It is one thing to forgive an affair and commit to work on the marriage, but another thing to tolerate such disrespectful actions.

I know how hard it is in the early stages to set the boundaries, but trust me when I tell you the sooner you do it, the easier it will get. I am not saying that you have to become a total hard ass, but you do deserve respect no matter what you are going through. Trust me when I tell you the involvement "for the sake of the kids" is an excuse. Having an absentee parent come in and out of the house wheneer is not teaching the kids that both parents love each other, but it is teaching them what you deem to be acceptable behavior. In the future, they will either become it or have it done to them. I know that is not what you want.

LOL..."I want my Daddy..." that is a typical passive aggressive behavior from kids when they are not getting their way. My D13 STILL does it. And I say? Tough you're dealing with me right now. So does XH when she says "I want my Mommy..." although it took me a while to get him to understand she is only saying it to piss him off. Don't let it.

[Lucky11too]

... or just deal with the fact that I will never have the full love of my husband.

I wouldn't even make that an option for yourself! You deserve the full love of your H - that was his commitment to you when he married u and is what you are giving him. But saying that, it might still be a bit of a journey to get to that point. It's hard to say what the future holds, but the idea is that as he continues to draw closer to you (which he is doing), he will draw away from OW. But if that's not happening, then you will need to make an ultimatum. I don't know when the best time to do that is. Maybe just try to get thru the week and get thru S's tubes. You will need H's support to get thru that. Maybe with these interactions this week, you will have more clarity - either that you are done, that you want to try an ultimatum (but be prepared to follow thru with it), or that you want to try DBing a little longer b/c maybe this is true change & he just needs a little longer. It's hard to say & I don't want you to get hurt if the opposite is still true. It's a tough decision & in someways a gamble. Just try to stay strong and optimistic this week (even in front of H when you don't feel like it) as you decide what what want to do. I struggle with the idea of S being my only reason for wanting to make it work too, which I think is partially true, but in some ways, that is a good enough reason, but only if H can show me the love and respect I deserve. I know I could do without him, but it is definitely better for S if we are a family, but it still has to be a relationship with boundaries ad love.

You have had a really tough few days. It's good that H has been there for you, but I understand how hard it is to put your trust in him and his changes again. I hope things start looking up again for you & that S feels better in time. Have a good day!

[awest1217]

I think why this is hitting me so hard now is because H is starting to pull closer, which is good, but it has got me thinking about the next phase and I need to be prepared ahead of time. I need to think about what I want in my relationship and how I want to be treated and I just don't know...I am still in between on if H is starting to stop talking to OW as much or if she is spending the night. I really don't know. I can't trust him and that bothers me. I know with everything we have gone through it is going to take a really long time for trust to be re-established, but at the same time, he has to be willing to do certain things so that I can start seeing that he is telling the truth.

I still just don't know. I am very jumbled up right now. I need to figure out what I want and just stick to it when the time comes. I just don't know when that will be. Right now I am still doing well being nice to H and having fun. We have been talking more and more which is awesome, and not just about us, but about work and other fun stuff. It is really nice, but scary at the same time.

At least at work, today is the last day of the week and I am giving my first tests to my students. It will be somewhat relaxing because I don't have to teach and constantly keep the students attention, especially with a long weekend a few hours away!

[BeginningAgain]

Awest,

I don't mean to sound harsh, but when have has there been any trust in this relationship if your H has been involved with an OW the entire time you have been together. It seems to me that in this relationship you chose him as your main dish and he's been stuck in the buffet line all these years.

I hope you are taking the time to see an IC to talk through some of this and get some perspective that way as well. Have a great Thanksgiving tomorrow.

S4H

[awest1217]

I agree S4H, but what is getting me is maybe he has changed completely this time. Maybe reading the books and actually talking about everything has changed his thoughts. That is what I am struggling with. Do I give him another chance with boundaries because he is showing some change, or do I just say forget it you had your chance? I just don't know. He has been "buffeting" it for many years. They were always EA, which to me is so much worse, but there is possibility that some were PA. Plus he always did stuff of the internet.

I am just torn because if he really is changing from reading the books, then why not try again because he has never actually done something about it, but at the same time, I am tired of this continuing. Like I said I am very confused and I think only time will tell. I know what I want and have told H that on different occasions so we will see what happens. Patience.

[Lucky11too]

That's hard one, awest. Although it does sound like it, only H knows what's going on in H's head. I'd agree that if he really has changed then it is worth it to give him another chance with, like you said, boundaries. He's gonna have to make up alot to you to get you to be able to trust him again & is he willing to do that? I don't know. But we are here to work on ourselves (which you're doing) and to save and develop better M's and that's always a gamble. No one deserves to be disrespected and be on the buffet line, but on the other hand, people can change. Just try to continue to judge H's temperature. The first stage is to draw H back to a point where he is actually willing to work on the M again (which he seems to be on the right direction with that) and the next will be to slowly repair your M (maybe at the beginning stages of this?) I don't think it's a bad thing to start preparing for the next stage, but just don't let it consume you. But I agree with you that it is important to figure out what you want from H and your M, so that you don't just "settle" (like last time where you allowed H to come home while still with OW. I know you've learned from that, but just as an example). And just continue to look for signs of progress.

Have a great Thanksgiving tomorrow!

[ClingingToHope]

It looks like a lot of things are crashing down on you at once. I had to laugh about S coloring all over the front door, refrigerator and piano. My D7 did that all the time. It made W mad to no end, but it's just a phase and someday you'll actually miss it a little.

Where's your family in all this? On an earlier post you said you had a good support group didn't you? Sounds like it's time to lean on them.

I did not realize OW was a nine-year thing. The closer H gets to you and the harder he tries, at some point you are going to have to either set down the firm boundary -- no OW or just decide to let go.

Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow.

[awest1217]

My support system is still there, but they are all out of town. They all left either yesterday or today, and have been packing, cleaning, etc to leave. My whole immediate family will be in TN for Thanksgiving because my step brother and step sister live and there is a youth conference that my brother and sister went to so my parents are going down as well. Plus a lot of my friends are down there as well. I am doing thanksgiving with my grandma, aunt and uncle, 2 cousins, H and S. Of course Friday is the tubes, and Saturday decorating for Christmas.

I am going to focus on having fun this weekend and RELAXING! Then 3 weeks and two weeks off for Christmas.

[ClingingToHope]

That's a good weekend. I had 13 sets of tubes growing up so that brings back memories. I'm eating at an uncle's house. It'll be OK. Problem is they are all smokers. When we get home it'll be baths for all three of us.

W said a funny thing earlier in the week. She was worried that D10 thinks she'll be sad on Thanksgiving. She said she'd tell her she'd rather be going to my uncle's house too, but she'd have fun with her mom and sister.

I wasn't sure if I should take that as a baby step.