New to this Community seeking advice

[MichelleLT]

Glad to hear the phone schedule is working.

Also glad to hear you have been keeping busy.

It's never a bad thing to not have the time or motivation to post. Breaks from the boards are good and necessary sometimes.

Sometimes that quiet time alone is what you need. If you do not have the energy to go out, but are enjoying being home with a book there is no reason not to stay home and read. The only time that's bad is if you are doing too much dwelling on the past instead of reading. Not that I know anything about that.

[JR09]

Thanks Michelle. Glad to know you are always out there to give some great guidance. THANK YOU.

This guy who works with me is in the same boat I'm in. His W also left with their son. He's been apart for 2 years. He decided to file for divorce. He's now waiting for it to be fin al so he can pursue this local female interest he has. I told him I haven't reached that state yet, if I ever reach it...

I told him I am patient, at times stressed, but patient. I'll wait as long as necessary for my W to emerge from her fog of war. It's hard to predict anything because lately my W hasn't communicated much. But I told this guy that even silence is a form of communication, good or bad.

Anyway, I noticed that some guys wanted to regain control of their lives and decide to not wait for the WAW anymore. This guy said that he was going crazy just staying in the constant tunnel. I admit I understand all too well what he means. But I am not at that stage of wanting control and resolution. I guess that's why DBing is the ultimate test of self-control because you must remain patient without being tempted to give up. My 2 cents-word...



JR

[JR09]

Ready2change,

Sorry for the delay in answering your question. I live in CO, ski country indeed. Unfortunately I don't ski at all. Maybe I should try. I don't have many GALing activities to tell you the truth: daily workout, weekly evening Bible study, and that's about it. I know I should expand my horizons.

For Thanksgiving, I received 3 invitations, one with my immediate boss, another with an officer and his family, a third one from a single officer who wants to link up with other single officers. I kind of made up my mind to spend Thanksgiving with the other single officers. Being with my boss would be the same as a regular workday, being with that family would remind me too much of my 3 boys and W.

Anyway. I'm just thinking aloud. My S12 called today. I also talked with my S10 and S6. Made my day. I haven't talked with my W for a good 2 weeks now. Seems like she is avoiding me. Maybe this is the end...I don't know. Shouldn't read into this, I know. I guess she is thinking at the very least.

The D proceedings were dismissed last AUG. She hasn't refiled since. Maybe she will, maybe not. No idea. So I don't know what her silence means. More thinking? Disinterest? Last stage before the real D? Who knows...

Thanks for chiming in R2C. Hope this finds you well.

JR

[Ready2Change]

I was GAL in Colorado Springs at night club Friday night. Danced for 4 hours, and legs still hurt today LOL. Shooting happened across the street right when we leaving. Lucky nothing happened to us.

[MichelleLT]

Glad you have plans for Thanksgiving.

I have mixed feelings about the NC right now. It's probably good for her thinking. And it's not interfering with your talking to the kids currently. But it also doesn't seem like she's communicating with you about things related to the kids. You need to be informed of how they're doing in school, any drs appointments, etc. (At least, that's my opinion of how true co-parenting works.) Has she always been the one to deal with those issues with the kids? Or is this new? If it's the old way, do you think trying to change it would be a good thing?

One aspect of this process that I think is sometimes under-discussed on the boards is letting the reality of D really hit the WAS. Letting them realize it's not necessarily what they wanted, and presenting yourself as a better option, making R feasible. You have done good about giving her time and space, but have you thought about how things will work if you do D?

Will you attend parent-teacher conferences? What will the custody agreement actually be? Would you settle for the amount of time you currently have with them? Will you be able to stay home with them when they are sick? Would you move closer to them? Can you request an early PCS and move closer to them? How long do you have til you retire?

They are not comfortable questions, but they are things to think about. Things that need to be mulled over. And possibly things to be addressed with her. At some point, it might be necessary to push the bounds of comfortable, to change the status quo.

In the meanwhile, her silence doesn't mean anything conclusive. Hell, even the WAS filing for D doesn't mean anything conclusive. You have the rest of your life to DB because you two will always have contact as long as you both live because you have children together.

Just hang in there.

[JR09]

Thanks Michelle. Words of wisdom. To answer your questions:
I haven't thought at all about how life would be if I were D'd.
Maybe I am afraid to think about it, so I repress the thought.
I am a career officer and have about 8 years before retirement if all goes well. If I leave the Army sooner, I will move closer to my W and kids. There is no other way.

I just emailed my W after I read what you said about co-parenting, asking questions. Makes sense. I wasn't pushy or anything. Just asked her how the boys are doing in school etc. I am probably slated to move this summer and go elsewhere, so that's the next hurdle.

My W's silence does bother me, I have to admit. But I am patient. I don't want to be the man I was when I returned from Iraq. I can't go back to that for my own emotional and physical survival. I am confident that I have 99% of my PTSD under control. I save the remaining 1% for the privates who don't salute me

What could I say, how should I approach my W to change the status quo? What are your thoughts? When should I do that?
Lots of questions. Thanks for any input.

Until then, have a peaceful and happy Thanksgiving.

JR

[MichelleLT]

I agree that you should be focused on what you want - i.e. R. But, hope for the best and prepare for the worst!

I totally understand wanting to stick it out til retirement. In the grand scheme you are so close.

Where will you be moving to next summer? If you don't know, when will you find out? Can you request something closer to W? Or could you trade assignments with someone else?

Good for you for opening communication with her about the kids.

You can shake things up in any number of ways. An unexpected communication, calling just to talk to her, an e-card, or not contacting her. Any big change in how things have been will cause ripples.

You should do it when you sense it would make a positive difference. You know her best. You probably know when she needs time alone, when she might want to talk, and what kind of things trigger happy and sad memories for her.

Are there any old rituals you might be able to slowly rekindle? Maybe try something out that was something you guys used to do when you weren't together - I'm sure you have been separated cuz of training in addition to your deployment.

Another thing that has mixed success is a heart-felt apology letter. Using lots of "I" statements, talk about how you feel about the S and possible D. Talk also about the problems in the M and apologize for them. Get to a point where you can honestly say you understand why she felt she had to leave.

This would be something to work on for a while, write and rewrite several times. You have to write and send it with no expectations. And then be prepared to wait. Most WASs take a long time to respond because it shocks them. WAS focus on the bad (they have to to justify walking away), so when you do something so apologetic it challenges their perceptions of reality. It shakes things up. But it can push away a WAS who is not ready to hear those things. In your case, enough time has passed that she might be receptive. It can also be a first step to breaking down the walls - you apologizing and expressing your understanding can be the first step to her letting go of some of her fear and resentment.

Happy Thanksgiving eve to you! Enjoy the long weekend!

[JR09]

Journaling.

Got to call the boys today. They are not the most talkative bunch, but at least I try to keep a regular phone call schedule. Sounds like they are all doing well. I also chatted a bit with my W. Nothing confrontational at all. She was pleasant, and even volunteered some info about her school exams and Thanksgiving.I should have listened more instead of telling her how my side of the family is doing. She asked me to tell my mother and father she said hi.

Anyway, it was a positive phone call. I wonder why my W is not mentioning anything about the D procedures, any intentions to refile, or any other legal matter. Once the D was dismissed, does it take a period of time before she can refile? Is she waiting til next year? So many questions, I know. And no answers. Deep in limboland I remain. When does the fog of war end for my W? Just waiting for the fog to lift. How much longer...

JR

[JR09]

Question to anyone out there:

My W and I are not divorced or legally separated. We are just separated. Have been for 17 months. Last year, my W had Christmas with the boys. The boys live with my W, in her parents' home. This year, she emailed me that my dates to be with the boys would be 27 dec-2 jan. She said that's "as good as it gets". I replyied that it was OK, no worries.

I thought a lot about this lately, and was about to send her an email or ask her to give me a good reason why I can't have the boys for Christmas THIS year, since she had them last year when we were separated for 6 months already.

Is it a valid question to ask my W? Since I already told her the dates she gave me were OK, do I still need to make an issue about being with the boys for Christmas, if so, how should I present it to her?

Just asking. Didn't want to react on emotions for fear of saying the wrong thing. Just asking for your input, anyone. Thanks.

JR

[JR09]

Journaling...

I re-thought what I just wrote about Christmas time with the boys. Somewhere, I read in DB/Dr that it is OK to not always be Right. The question was; do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?

Maybe in my case it's best to let it go, and just work with my initial dates that I agreed upon with my W. I know I should stand up and be firmer. But is this a battle that I need to fight? My point is that I WILL see the boys either before or AFTER Christmas. So that's my follow-up thought...

JR