Need Help again!!

[Augtan]

Wow!! All of these things are very helpful!! I know I cannot talk to him about her, I am trying very hard to do that and will forsure not say a word when he is here...tomorrow!!

It is too late for me not to speak of OW at all, I already did that and did it for over a year! I was in soooo much pain, and like you said it was easier to blame her than him. I blamed me way too much! I think that is why XH thought it was okay to leave, he heard me apologize so much for what I had done to cause all this, that he said "she is right, she did do all these things to me, to our marriage, I don't want to be with her anymore, cause the past is repeted in the future, and she cannot change" But, I did change and I have changed in ways he never thought possible, but instead of recognizing these changes he looks for ways I haven't made the complete change yet. He says I am still angry, that is true, anger is a human emotion and I will have anger on and off forever, I can control it better now. I have a full-time job, he never thought I would do that, but I had to move away to get it and he hates me for that, I am in a debt management program because he said all the debt was my fault (it wasn't) so I thought this would show him I am serious about not creating more debt, and help me, etc. I really haven't told him much about the DMP. He said I caused too much "drama" in his life with all our issues with our kids (normal kid issues, but now way worse since he has left us!!), so now I don't tell him much of anything going on at all and deal with it myself.

What is even more ironic is OW has and will continue to have huge money issues due to court battle with her XH, she brings more drama than I could ever imagine due to her XH and son, and the fact that my kids hate her, never want to be around her, and the court has ordered that my XH can never be around her son...even if they get married!! So, the drama with her will continue, which I feel is what they thrive on and bonds them even more. But, I can only stop the drama on my end, I cannot force her XH to stop it on his!!

I do all the mind things to stop thinking about him with her, and it has gotton way better, but it is not gone. I intend to fake it to the extreme while he is here! Should I led on that I am seeing someone else? I kinda am, but could play it up much bigger than it is?? I'm not sure if this will backfire and he will say "oh good, she found someone else and is moving on like I have told her to" or it will make him think he is losing me and panic?? I don't want to screw up anymore, I want to do it all right this time. Also, I decorated the house for X-mas already so he will have to see all our decorations and such. He has never, ever spent a Christmas without me and his kids in 21 years!!

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