Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Steve, I'm going out again with the PNI -- possible new interest -- tomorrow night, but with a group of people so again it can't be perceived as being a couple. Maybe I'm overstating her interest. It's not something we've talked about. I'm still in "fill time" mode.

Met with the C today and spent just about the whole hour just getting her up to speed. She said I'm doing very well for six months and didn't have any particular suggestions other than to tell me to look at my progress when feeling down.

I set another session for December before Christmas. She said hopefully a lot has changed by then and I told her I'm trying to adopt the Stockdale Paradox and not put too much into artificial deadlines. That made her smile.

Took girls to pick up pies for Thursday. D7 was blissfully playing away in the backseat, trying to annoy D10. D10 got mad and then started looking sad. I asked what was wrong and she said she wanted everything to be like it was last year when we went to the Kalihari (Wis. Dells) for Christmas. We were happy and we were together.

I told her that's what I want too, but there's not a lot we can do short-term. She didn't like that answer. W is going to have a lot of bridge building to do with D10 if she continues down the D path.

[ClingingToHope]

Had my last Marriage Rebuilders class last night. I started the classes four months ago and was a complete mess at the beginning. Last night's topic was forgiveness, which I'm really going to struggle with if W follows through on the D without giving me a second chance in the M.

I did not have a lot in common with the people at the table other than we all had failed marriages. There were 10 of us and seven already had gone through one divorce and are going through a second.

At the end, one of the ladies said the best part of the series was watching my personal growth. I deflected it by saying I still haven't actually gone through the D process and I'm not sure how I'll handle it, but then I thanked her. I remembered I do not show enough appreciation.

Short conversation with D last night. She hired a babysitter for the day since the girls are off and we both have to work. It's a daughter of a high school classmate of mine. I'm not sure if she was looking for me to volunteer to pay. My L said traditionally I should pay half, but I'm also likely overpaying on child support now and since nothing is official it's up to me. I did not offer to pay and she didn't ask.

Tonight I'm having dinner with a friend and going to a small concert with a group. I'm actually feeling like I'm overdoing it a bit. I went out last night after the Rebuilders class and am looking forward to just going to sleep early Friday night.

[ClingingToHope]

Short conversation with D last night.

I meant W.

[ClingingToHope]

OK, OK, cycling down a bit. W called to ask if I could give the baby sitter a ride home at 4 p.m. so her mom didn't have to. She's working today.

I'm having a light day at work so I can do it. She asked when I was leaving for Chicago. I'd forgotten I'd told her I'd be going in when we discussing Thanksgiving plans.

I briefly thought of lying and saying 6 p.m. I told her I changed plans and will doing something in town and could get the babysitter. It'll give me a chance to give the girls a hug and say high to the MIL, who is probably my biggest booster.

Don't know why though talking to W sent me on a downward spiral. I took a quick walk to remind myself that the first six months were her six months. These six months are mine. I mean, I'm having dinner tonight with a friend and the "possible new interest" and then we are going to watch a local band play at a downtown theater. That's even better than partying in Chicago with people I only see twice a year.

It's a great night and once I get out of this mini pity party I'll be OK.

[ClingingToHope]

Had a good night out last night. Met the possible new interest for dinner. The friend I stayed with the first two months out of the house joined us. Then we met up with her friend at a downtown theater for a Thanksgiving performance for two local bands.

The PNI asked whether I "was done" with the marriage. I didn't know how to respond. I told her I keeping all doors open. If two years from now I haven't found someone and W wants to reconcile, then we'll talk about it. If I find someone great in the next six months, I'm open to that.

She asked if I'd file and I said not at least until it's been a year because my girls want us back together so badly.

I think she was feeling out my ties to the M and feelings for her . The rest of the night she and her friend talked about the dating game and told me welcome back to it. The vibe was were just going to be friends.

That's good for now. I guess if W files in January -- I'm wondering if she's just waiting to get through the holiday -- then I can regather my thoughts on whether to pursue the PNI.

Woke up today strangely angry. Perhaps its the emotional letdown of last night combined with the strangeness of today.

W called at 9 a.m. to say the girls just got up and wondered when I wanted them ready. I told her we weren't eating until 3 p.m. and I'm doing housework. I said how about 11 a.m. She said fine and I hung up. I don't know if I was supposed to say Happy Thanksgiving. She's not getting that from me this year. I will be in a good mood and look good at 11 a.m. though.

The trick I'm trying today came from my first session with the C. When down, focus on how far I've come in six months. I'm to the point where I'm doing too much GALing and not enough resting. Finances are about as stable as they are going to get and really MONEY is what is likely to force me to file for D if W doesn't. She's getting the best of both worlds now. Really, I'm doing well. I do love my W, but I don't love how she blames all the bad things in her life on the M. The M and the family was the good things in her life. So when I think about the future, I'm going to imagine Thanksgiving a year from now. I should well down the road to total recovery while she .... I don't know where she'll be. That's up to her.

[ClingingToHope]

So Thanksgiving has come and gone and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I had the girls and we spent it at a cousin's house. D10 and D7 said later it was the best Thanksgiving they've had because they got to interact with their two 23-year-old cousins and a 20-year-old cousin.

In the past, Thanksgiving always was a trip to the MIL's house for dinner and then sitting around and watching TV with SIL and MIL. The only fun things there are a trampoline, when it was warm enough, and computer games. Boring for D10 and D7.

Today I woke up and decided to go to FreeCreditReport.com to see if W is burying me in debt on co cards. I was specifically worried about a Target card we've used for Christmas shopping in the past.

Turns out Target closed it in April. But she has run up $2,600 on our Lowe's account. That's house related stuff. I can't complain too much. It's much better than I thought.

Then I started thinking about how long I'm going to let LimboLand continue. I've read and reread the situations where the WAW finally opens up to reconciliation 18 months to two years later.

I'm 6 1/2 months into this and slowly sinking a bit more into debt each month because I'm paying interest on the $15k she ran up in just the past three years and giving her nearly $500 every two weeks.

My lease is up at the townhouse at the end of January. If she hasn't filed by then and there's no positive movement I'm finally considering filing on my own.

I know the rule that you shouldn't use divorce as a tactic and I don't think I would be. Every big occasion that passes I become less fearful of the future and every weekend that goes on I meet more and more people. I'm tired of having no direction and letting her live in la-la land.

If I end up filing I will have to explain to my daughter's why, but the older one has made it clear she understands I didn't want to leave.

By end of January I'll have my retainer saved as well. I also won't have the awkward anniversary in April if proceedings are under way.

Another poster once wrote "a man doesn't divorce his wife." I agree with that, but she has already divorced me in her mind and it seems is just keeping the legal tie for financial reasons.

[ClingingToHope]

Ughhhh... Woke up today with lots of thoughts of W on my mind. Will see her in a couple of hours when I pick the girls up for the rest of the weekend.

When does this go away?

Out last night and ran into a friend I played basketball against. We started talking about work and such and when he asked how I was doing, I told him fine other than the separation.

He's gone through the same thing. Married seven years, together 14, three years ago his wife said she wasn't happy, wanted to separate and almost as soon as they separated, she filed for divorce.

It was final in seven months and he said it took him another eight months before he felt like going out at all.

He still has it tough on visitation. He works nights so he only sees his kids on Sundays.

So that's a blessing for me.

Yes, my negativity is taking over this morning.

[ClingingToHope]

Girls are over for the next two days. They are upstairs playing on the Wii, which W sent in to get fixed. I plan on buying my own soon, although I just got the final bill on my hernia surgery -- $650. Yikes.

When I picked the girls up W was dressed and ready to go unlike the other day when I got them and she was in sweats and had her hair in a pony tail.

I don't have anything big planned with them. We're having two of their friends over tonight and we might go swimming at the Y. D10 needs it. She's a couch potato.

I'm really going to try not to think about W tonight, but it's going to be really, really, really hard. My detachment levels are falling back for some reason. Perhaps it's the fact I'm going to be working a lot more on the weekends the next three months and not going out as much.

[ClingingToHope]

Was having a strangely down day. It's the whole "what will W do tonight" thing? I know her two-time divorcee friend has invited to see some bands tonight.

Had girls at the Y and gave myself a good talking to. I keep focusing on only being separated six months. Really, she divorced me mentally three years ago.

Things were going great at the end of 2006 -- best month of S since we were newlyweds, we'd had our 10-year anniversary, money was good. Then, beginning in January the physical affection just stopped. We had S about 15 times over the next three years.

I did everything wrong to try to turn things around -- petulance, romance, begging. So at the Y I was telling myself that the last three years really have been awful. Being married to someone who really wanted nothing to do with me was a day-to-day heartache.

Really, I'm in a better place today. Limboland is hard, but I'm no longer walking on eggshells every day. The only way it was going to improve was for us to separate so she can see what she's missing -- and decide if she wants it back.

Another thing weighing on my mind today was having the kids and not having a bunch of things planned. I don't want to be a Disneyland dad, but I also have to get better at just chilling at home with them. Even if we D and I do better in the settlement than I'm doing in limboland, I won't be able to spend big bucks every weekend on them. I have to heal my finances over the next year.

I never really wanted to be a single dad. I know I can handle this, but it's going to be hard on these girls. And I will meet someone again and that will be awkward. Life is going to just get more and more difficult.

[ClingingToHope]

Woke up late and the girls and their two friends are running wild a bit. Neighbors put a note on the door that all of the running up and down the steps is a bother.

So I had to tell everyone to keep it down. That made D10 a little mad because I included her in the warning. She said she wanted to go home and I told her to get her stuff.

She thought about it and apologized. She didn't understand why she had to be included in the warning.

What upsets me is that I am living here in a townhouse -- although it is a nice one -- while W enjoys the house we put so much time into. It's going to be interesting once we do get D how she's going to react to being out of la-la land.

She's going to have to take on a lot of the family debt and we'll be lucky to sell the house for what we owe. So she'll have no assets after the D, no down payment, to buy a house.

I know she's run up some bills since I moved out. She's been searching sites such as LowerYourBills.com and such.

She keeps telling the girls they'll just buy a smaller house. She may be able to rent a house -- although that's doubtful -- a house for rent in a good neighborhood in our school district probably costs as much as our mortgage.