Prior to stumbling upon DB I found a book that promotes a controlled separation and started following that concept. Basically, it suggests that if your spouse is stuck on leaving, setup a controlled separation which will give the WAS time, and ease the fears of the divorce threat for the LBS at least for the time being. The book goes on to suggest that you lay out some ground rules for your separation. Being desperate I followed the book's advice and asked H to help me come up with some ground rules.
We decided on the following.
1. Time Limits: Set a time limit of which the books suggestes anywhere from 1-6 months. H suggested 4 months, which will be up on Janruary 26, 2010.
2. Legal Counsel: Agreed that during this time limit, neither one of us will file for divorce. However, we may still contact an attorney to become informed. Based on H's phone records, he as contacted an attny.
3. Living Arrangements: H moved out on 9/26/09.
4. Divide Home Furnishings: Done.
5. Finances: Agreed that all kid related expenses such as daycare costs would be split evenly. For the time being H will also help contribute to the van and mortgage payments. I wouldn't be able to pay all of the household bills on just my salary.
6. Children: We made arrangements as to who would get the kids and when.
7. Interpersonal Relationship: Agreed to make no contact with each other for the first 3 weeks of separation. Communication regarding the kids was to be made via email and by telephone only if an emergency arises. The three weeks were up mid-October. Now we do talk over the phone, but it is always in regards to the kids. The book also suggests to setup boundaries regarding: telephone calls to each other, helping out with household repairs, family outings, dating each other, and intimacy. We agreed to go over these items after the initial 3 week period. I never brought up these items again with H as during that 3 week silence period I found DB. He hasn't brought them up again either.
8. Dating Others: We agreed not to date others during the defined separation period. H actually made this suggestion. I am following this rule. But who knows about H. Can't prove or disprove either way. Still don't know if there is OW, but everyone on the boards tells me to keep my eyes open.
9. Confidentiality: We agreed to limit explanation of the details of the contract to mutual friends and family. Most of them know some of the story, but not all of it.
10. Joint Marriage Counseling: As of right now, I am the only one going to C. Early on we went to an MC, once together, each individually, and together again. The MC was obviously not pro-marriage and didn't end up helping the sitch. I found a new C.
As I said above, this "contract" was created by both H and myself. Why he agreed to it participate in this agreement? I don't know as he was very adamant about filing for divorce.
In reading other stiches and posts, it sounds like I made the wrong decision in suggesting this controlled separation. I do not want a D and know there are ways we can work on our R. But before H moved out he stated that he was not happy and obviously blames it on our M. We haven't not spoken about this since his departure.
I am currently at a place where I feel comfortable terminating the controlled separation agreement. I don't need these rules to live by anymore. At first it was a comfort knowing that he agreed not to file until the end of January. But if the contract is the only thing that is stopping him, then what is the point?
I know the CS is not part of the DB process and as I said before, I started down that path prior to bumping into MWD's books and this website. So my question to all of you is, should I let H know that I no longer need to live by the CS rules? This would certainly fall under a R talk. Give me your opinions/advice please.
Here is the link to my on-going thread. The first couple of posts will give you more insight to my sitch if you are interested.
