He wants to come home....HELP!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

PiGA.
I have been following your progress and you have posted a few times on mine.
I am glad for you to have the opportuniy to reconcile with H.
I have made miles of progress on myself and hope to have the opportunity that you have to work on the M. I have been thinking about when that day comes and your stitch has answered a few of my concerns.

Good luck and continue to remain calm.

[praying_in_GA]

Gr8 day- I hope you get the chance to work on you M soon. It is so much harder than I imagined but I know the payoff will be amazing.

[Gardener]

praying,
I'm chiming in late here with words similar to those you've already heard

Ok, well, I have already screwed it up.

Not a tragedy. Forgive yourself, dust yourself off and keep going, sure.
Except this:

I just couldn't stop it.

Is not true. You didn't stop it. You wouldn't stop it. You chose not to stop it. You could've stopped it. You can stop it.
I'd suggest thinking about this and working on it (I know, I know: one more friggin thing to add to this DB list. I understand).

Happy Thanksgiving.

[praying_in_GA]

OMG!! You want to read something funny???

He left here at 8pm for his trip to the bar. I cleaned the house, bathed the dog, took out the trash....and sat down. I can breathe easier, I feel like a weight it off my shoulders, and I don't give a crap what he is doing out there tonight. When did this happen to me?? I thought I would be tortured all night about what he was up to, but I am actually more comfortable home without him. Wow.

Ok, so where does this leave us? Well, I guess I realized that I got very uptight about him coming home and wound myself up to the point that I was totally unhappy. I have become weak and insecure in the span of 6 days. Where did my confidence and strength go??? He sucked it right out of me!! LOL!

So, here I am, realizing that life without him is a bit easier than I thought. I think I am going to take some time to think about things. I still want to be married to him, I want to have our family together, I want to sleep next to him for the rest of my life. I also want to be myself... I want to be the new me, the strong, confident me.

He said he saw something in me last Friday when we talked. He said this thing he saw made him want to be here with me. He told me today that thing was strength. He also said he has watched it disappear.

How can I keep the strong, confident me while rebuilding my marriage? Any tips?

[Lll54]

If you have made a true change throughout this to be a more strong, confident woman, then you will have no problem keeping her there. Look what you have been through, and where you are today. That should be enough confidence to last you a lifetime. Its a horrible roller coaster ride, but we haven't fallen off.

[mindfull]

Praying...

I just read your thread. Let me offer you a little comfort, and a pat on the back! Your epiphany at the kitchen table this evening, I FINALLY got after a SOLID YEAR of DB'ing (yesterday)!!!

Can I tell you what the result has been since?

An attentive, concerned, H!

They sense it, feel it, and, it appears, welcome it!!

Feel what you just felt deep, and live it... Keep on with that attitude, that STRENGTH!!!

I'm proud of you. I'm proud of myself for the first time in a year.

I'll keep checking in.

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you both!!

I feel amazing right now. I know there will be ups and downs, but I also know that if I can keep this feeling and attitude he will want to come home to me. Now I can't wait for him to come home so I can see him again. We are spending all day tomorrow together seeing both families. It will be a great day.

[Gardener]

praying,

Ok, so where does this leave us? Well, I guess I realized that I got very uptight about him coming home and wound myself up to the point that I was totally unhappy. I have become weak and insecure in the span of 6 days. Where did my confidence and strength go??? He sucked it right out of me!! LOL!
So, here I am, realizing that life without him is a bit easier than I thought. I think I am going to take some time to think about things. I still want to be married to him, I want to have our family together, I want to sleep next to him for the rest of my life. I also want to be myself... I want to be the new me, the strong, confident me.
He said he saw something in me last Friday when we talked. He said this thing he saw made him want to be here with me. He told me today that thing was strength. He also said he has watched it disappear.
How can I keep the strong, confident me while rebuilding my marriage? Any tips?

Take good care of yourself: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. You know what to do. Do it. You are strong. Your strength has been sapped. Rebuild it. Summon it up!

How can I keep the strong, confident me while rebuilding my marriage?

The stronger, confident you will help rebuild your marriage.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Coach]

[quote]How can I keep the strong, confident me while rebuilding my marriage? Any tips?/quote]

Do you understand why this is important to a man?

As much as us men want to provide, lead, fix and love our women. We also want a confident, strong, loving, good-looking, interested, and wise partner. A man worries much more than he will ever tell his wife and if he sees his wife, scared, worried, insecure and needy that just gives us a whole HUGE dose of more responsibilities to tend to. A wife wants to hear about his worries but it won't happen in this dynamic. He can only open up and love you better if you are able to handle it. We want our wives as equals. That is the see-saw analogy in the book. We want balance in our marriage.

The next step is to be strong, wise and confident on your own. This allows your spouse to grow and complement you. This is differentiation. Two independent people growing, loving, feeling, and moving together but not dependent on each other.

You can handle it.

Cheers

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks guys. Of course, you are right.

Coach - I have read the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and it hit on all of the points you made.

I need to find a balance between the strong independent woman I became and the loving attentive woman I should be. I want him to know that I am here for him while he goes through the changes he feels he needs to make and I need to continue to change myself for the better.

He had a good time with the guys last night. I told him he could come home if he wanted to and I had the spare room ready for him. When I woke up this morning he was asleep in 'his' room. I guess it is time to start putting this marriage back together and show him the woman he wants to be with.

Happy Thanskgiving everyone!