He wants to come home....HELP!

[SDFoundGirl]

PIGA~

I've been reading along but haven't posted. What you need to know is that Piecing is waaaaaaay tougher than just stopping the divorce, so be prepared. Your sitch isn't that long, so you haven't had the time to really retool your habits and work on yourself. The danger is that you both fall back into old patterns and habits, and that will just result in the same situation all over again.

You need to get clear about your boundaries and expectations for H if he moves home. What does 'working on the M' specifically look like? What are the things you are going to bring up in MC for your H to work on?

Most importantly, what is your plan to continue working on yourself? Lay it out, be specific...because if there's no plan, it won't happen.

My H never left the home, just our bedroom, and it was tough as heck. I worked on myself relentlessly through IC, 180s, and GAL. YOU WILL NEED TO CONTINUE TO DO THESE THINGS IF YOU WANT TO REALLY SAVE YOUR M.

I suggest, also, that you stay on this board as the Piecing board doesn't get much traffic and usually only people who "knew" you in Newcomers drop by. You still have a long way to go and a lot of work to do.

I'm not trying to frighten you, but I've seen firsthand bunches of people who dropped all this work and were right back to square one even a year or two down the line. It's been tough for me and my H, and it's something that we work on *daily* even 3+ years after reconciling.

SD

[praying_in_GA]

SD- Thank you for your experience. We have talked about everything you mentioned, but should we wright it down so we can track it better?

My changes (both for me and for the M) have been SO very beneficial to more than just bringing him home. This whole situation has made me step back and see how others see me. I know it hasn't been long enough for any changes to become second nature. I am/was very surprised at how easy some of them were.

His changes begin with communication...this is the big one. Other things (my complaints for lack of a better word) will follow directly behind my changes. One of my big complaints was his lack of physical affection (kissing, hugging, intimacy). After some soul searching and reading I realized that if I were a better person and showed him more love he would return that. It's hard to be affectionate to a person who is always grouchy and angry about something.

I am actually pushing GAL to him to! He is an introverted person and would always deny invitations from his brothers or friends to go out. One of the things we talked about was him accepting an occasional offer and making a life for himself outside of family and work. It will benefit us both. I love my 180 of becoming more independent! It makes me feel stronger and I actually feel less needy.

I will continue my IC and we are making our MC appointment for the first week of Dec. I am not taking this next step lightly. I know there will be many more years of active trying and participation from both of us. This M is not going to just fall into place because we spent a month apart, but we won't grow without taking looking towards the next level.

[praying_in_GA]

I just want to bang my head against a wall.

I am wondering if there isn't a tid bit of MLC going on with him too. He told me he is trying to change who he is. He said he realized that he blamed all of his unhappiness on me but he was at fault to because he didn't like who he was. So he has changed his soda choice (LOL), his style of dressing, he is trying to become more extroverted, he wants to join an ultimate fighting gym, he refuses to take any type of meds so he can stay clear headed (ie tylenol, motrin), he is learning to enjoy pain, and he said not to be surprised if he gets into fights....as in random fights. Most of this is simple and benign but the last few make me go huh??

It is so surreal to be around him. We neesd to re-learn each other.

Ok, I need ideas on how to become more self confident and relaxed. He is going out tomorrow night with his brother. I have never been comfortable with him going out but part of my changing and growing as a wife is letting go and part of his changing is becoming more extroverted. I need to come to grips with this if we are going to make it. I know he won't cheat on me, but I hate the thought of women coming up to him....especially with the last of wedding band right now.

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, well, I have already screwed it up. Yep, record time I think. I got upset over his night out tonight and after a lengthy conversation last night he said nothing has changed. I am very insecure. I am worried he will find someone out there.

Now, I know that me being bitchy about his time away makes me unattractive and pushes him away, but it was like a speeding train... I just couldn't stop it. I apologized to him after work this morning for doing that. I told him that I was the one who suggested he start going out with his friends and brothers more and now I was the one getting upset. He told me not to apologize, it wasn't doing anything. You know, before he said he would try to work this out I didn't care what he was doing or where he was going. Now that he is willing to be here with me I care and I push him away.

Please tell me this is a small setback and I can recover from it. If I get back to work on my 180 of not showing my insecurities... if I get back to my happy self who doesn't need him.... if I show him that I am happy he is going out and I hope he has a good time can I salvage this?

[Super Girl]

(((PiGA)))

I wish I knew what to say. Pick yourself up and get back on that horse. You've been doing well so far.

[TrentC]

Ok, well, I have already screwed it up. Yep, record time I think. I got upset over his night out tonight and after a lengthy conversation last night he said nothing has changed. I am very insecure. I am worried he will find someone out there.

You have no control over that, and there is no point worrying about things you cannot control. Focus on yourself.

Now, I know that me being bitchy about his time away makes me unattractive and pushes him away, but it was like a speeding train... I just couldn't stop it. I apologized to him after work this morning for doing that. I told him that I was the one who suggested he start going out with his friends and brothers more and now I was the one getting upset. He told me not to apologize, it wasn't doing anything.

So drop it. If you feel you need to apologize, just say "I'm sorry for XXX" and leave it at that.

It's almost depressing, given how much people here say "don't initiate talk about the relationship", why people are surprised that when they try to talk about the R -- even for what they feel are the most noble or selfless of reasons -- they get resistance.

You know, before he said he would try to work this out I didn't care what he was doing or where he was going. Now that he is willing to be here with me I care and I push him away.

So stop caring; detach, GAL and let him alone for a while. He'll talk to you when he is ready and not one minute before.

Please tell me this is a small setback and I can recover from it. If I get back to work on my 180 of not showing my insecurities... if I get back to my happy self who doesn't need him.... if I show him that I am happy he is going out and I hope he has a good time can I salvage this?

I won't tell you that, because there are no guarantees. Ultimately, the decision to stay married rests with your husband. You have to understand and accept that, or you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how to keep from making "mistakes".

It's the Stockdale Paradox in full effect:

You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

You can't "get back to [your] happy self who doesn't need him" because you aren't there yet. If you don't need him, then it doesn't matter if he stays out late, does it?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

PiGA,

It's not a huge setback. Whether or not you can salvage this remains to be seen, as it has ALWAYS been not guaranteed. But the incident yesterday isn't going to affect it much one way or another.

Puppy

[praying_in_GA]

You know what's funny? When I saw that you two had posted I got scared! LOL!

I know everyone has setbacks and there is always the possibility that they can be overcome, but when they happen to you they seem SO huge!!

As always, you two have given great advice. It is my own insecurities that caused this situation. I am finding it hard to relate to this man who is my husband. It all seems so complicated now.

[Coach]

Didn't you know ahead of time that him going out was going to cause you distress? If you did then it is your responsiblity to bring it up.

You need to tell him your feelings, what would make you more comfortable, and why. You let him make his own decision but his response would be telling. How hard does he want to work on the marriage?

[praying_in_GA]

Yes, him going out has always been a topic of stress to me. I know it is stressful for him too. I would be more comfortable with him going out if he were not going to a bar I think. I also think I am willing to work harder than he is, unfortunately. He is confused and lost in finding out who he is so his attention is divided between 'us' and 'him'. This is one of my issues and he has always given into me and not gone out. This time I want to be the bigger person, so to speak, and not hold him back from doing something he might enjoy. He has never stopped me from going out with friends or family (we don't go out to bars, but he wouldn't stop me if I did) and I feel bad that my emotions cause me to take that from him.