He wants to come home....HELP!

[TrentC]

Ok, well, I have already screwed it up. Yep, record time I think. I got upset over his night out tonight and after a lengthy conversation last night he said nothing has changed. I am very insecure. I am worried he will find someone out there.

You have no control over that, and there is no point worrying about things you cannot control. Focus on yourself.

Now, I know that me being bitchy about his time away makes me unattractive and pushes him away, but it was like a speeding train... I just couldn't stop it. I apologized to him after work this morning for doing that. I told him that I was the one who suggested he start going out with his friends and brothers more and now I was the one getting upset. He told me not to apologize, it wasn't doing anything.

So drop it. If you feel you need to apologize, just say "I'm sorry for XXX" and leave it at that.

It's almost depressing, given how much people here say "don't initiate talk about the relationship", why people are surprised that when they try to talk about the R -- even for what they feel are the most noble or selfless of reasons -- they get resistance.

You know, before he said he would try to work this out I didn't care what he was doing or where he was going. Now that he is willing to be here with me I care and I push him away.

So stop caring; detach, GAL and let him alone for a while. He'll talk to you when he is ready and not one minute before.

Please tell me this is a small setback and I can recover from it. If I get back to work on my 180 of not showing my insecurities... if I get back to my happy self who doesn't need him.... if I show him that I am happy he is going out and I hope he has a good time can I salvage this?

I won't tell you that, because there are no guarantees. Ultimately, the decision to stay married rests with your husband. You have to understand and accept that, or you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how to keep from making "mistakes".

It's the Stockdale Paradox in full effect:

You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

You can't "get back to [your] happy self who doesn't need him" because you aren't there yet. If you don't need him, then it doesn't matter if he stays out late, does it?