Get him in the shower and ritually "clean" him off. If he asks why he needs to take the shower at your home, tell him you are working on a clean start. And don't just sit outside the shower watching...help him. He wants you to help him, to tell him that you both can do this, that you love him and that you are working on forgiveness. No barbed remarks allowed.
Clear your head, clear your soul and lead with your heart.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I'm caught up and I'm going to send you and Ali a FB message later today for more insight on me....
...but this thread is about YOU, my dear Sunshine, and I've read a lot and have several ideas of my own.
First, one thing that is critical for you to understand is that your H feels very, very inadequate. If you read HTIYMWTAI, you'll see that men feel like failure when they can't make their ladies happy.
Thus, every time you bring up things w/him or get mad, he retreats to his personal "man cave" - or work for him - and hides. He is DEATHLY afraid of letting you down. What is the answer? I'm not sure, but if you can understand that he (like all men are programmed to do) is going to recoil or get defensive if he feels like he's let his lady down in any way then maybe you can put yourself in his shoes when these subjects come up.
As for the lack of intimacy, I'm sure he'd like to, but again, he seems like he's frozen and in my humble opinion, he's frozen by fear. Fear of what exactly, I'm not sure, but he could be afraid of not satisfying you, or of all the guilt rushing back into his head or whatever, but his fear is there and it is very, very real.
So, what do you do? Forrest has said for a long time that you need to "LEAD" and you need to do that sexually as well. You've received great instructions from Gypsy and I'm going to try them myself in my sitch....
...look at him when you talk w/him and think about kissing him, holding him, giving him a bj (that's in there for us men), making love to him. Let the thoughts wash over you and see how they feel. If they are good, then let him see it in your eyes what you are thinking.
From there, you will need to initiate sex and more than just hints may be what the doctor ordered. This may call for your grabbing ol' Willy Wonka and starting the process yourself. Once a man's engine is running, it is really, really hard (no pun intended) to shut it off.
If you get to this point, make him work a little bit for it and tell him what you want - LEAD! Get him worked up and going crazy wanting to seduce you. You turn the passion on for him by teasing, getting him to the point where he wants to jump your bones and making him back off. Tease, give in, tease some more, give in, back off, then let him go for it.
Meanwhile, you are getting what you want b/c you are DEMANDING yourself to be pleasured by him via foreplay before he can "finish the job" for himself.
My sex talk for the day is simply you take the lead, you control the speed, you work him up, you get what you want sexually, THEN you let him blow his cork.
Have fun with this, but make him feel like a wanted commodity and I'm pretty sure he'll like to be "led around the bed" by you. I think Forrest is really correct in telling you to lead, especially w/the sex thing.
You need to be very, very aggressive, as well as very, very assertive as to what you want. Do that and you'll get it.
My thoughts on the subject... use as needed or disregard completely.
"PS... I really like your posts. I get you, but I wonder if Maria does?"
Trust me.. the second I think she does not get me... I will stop posting.
-------------------
"Dont tell me what I am doing..."
But that is the nature of the beast Maria. I point out what you are doing. People don't want to "hear" it. I have said many times before I am not great at suggestions. I am not living your life. I am not doing things that could effect your life. I can't step into your shoes and "Do Work" for you.
The simple fact remains.. you are the "leader" in this "stitch". You chose to post on DB.com because of that fact. You did not realize the "work" it would take. Winning and DB'ing is hard. Alot of times you will question if you are winning. That is part of the "walk". The "walk" most of the time involves lots of sacrifice's. You give up something of yourself to reach a "goal". Somewhere in the "walk" you will find yourself. Most of the time I "flare" up when you can change things.
"I need to get in the "mood""
Yes you do.
"Forrest has said for a long time that you need to "LEAD" and you need to do that sexually as well."
No.
You need to "lead" outside of the LL you know. Again.. we look back on when he responded to you. He responded to you when you were "giving". Everything about you was "giving".. you were in "Lifesaving" mode. You need to find the "happy" medium. Blend it all together.
I am headed to bed.
We will "see" what tomorrow brings.
Good morning.
Sunshine.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
So I "lead" last night that he came over to stay because it was my D's nameday. He pulled away and I asked him "so, you are not sexually attracted to me at all?". He said, "the doctor said I shouldnt". I was about to scream at him that "being able to" and "wanting to" are 2 different things. I know how a man responds and is when he wnats a woman sexually. He is no where close to that.
I got angry because he missed his appointment at the doctor on the 20th and he had to reschedule for the 7th. That doesnt sound like he was looking forward to spend "time" with me. He doesnt care.
This IS a dealbreaker for me. Because it affects me deeply. He spent years before the bomb telling me he was just not that interested in sex, then he told my GF 2 months before he moved out that I was blocking him because of all the shame and confidence issues I had in bed, and then I found out he was having a GREAT time with her. All this time, he never bothered to tell me, he enjoyed having sex with me, that he liked my body, that he wanted me etc etc. The more I feel wanted, the more sexual/sensual I become. It's the way I am wired. I was reminded last year how happy I am when I feel desired and wanted and how much that fills up my love bank and makes me want and desire my man back.
K... you know how you say something is missing in my situation. I feel that for yours too. Something is not quite right with his lack of desire.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
