I think folks can sense half hearted gestures. And why would you force yourself to try to make love with someone you find dirty?
I have lots of problems with sex and intimacy. That's why I suggested just looking at him, imagining what your level of interest would be. By watching him just imagine, think of what it might be like. Not the whole shebang. Just bits and pieces. Not to dive in and take one for the team!
Early in our marriage after my former spouse was recovering from a severe bipolar episode he started initiating 2 minute sex. I was accommodating but grew increasingly angry but never said a word. One night he mentioned that I didn't seem very interested during the 15 second foreplay. I spread my legs and growled, "I am a vessel to your sperm!" Oh yeah.. and I might have anger issues, too!
Hey, well done for trying !!! God can I ever picture you sat there at that kitchen table feeling resentful, rejected and angry. I dont blame you. And him snoozing in that big bed.
If it helps at all (!?).. I slept with bf in those early days on the very sheets, mattress and pillows that Helen had laid her head as early as 2 weeks previously (good god I hope he had washed the sheets!...) and a large part of my head thought of him and that bed as 'soiled', dirty. And he was. But I knew I had no choice. I had to get on with it, as it was a huge part of healing the rift, the R and being a couple again. And also, exorcising the ghost of her. And yes it was a little awkward, but it worked!
I noticed that he was a little different at first with me (something he said once midway through made my blood run cold, as it was something he had obviously said to her!!! But he was soon his old self). But.. its just s*x. I had s*x with my previous bf's. He had s*x with an equal number of woman. None of that mattered the day we first slept together back in 1999, so I CHOSE to view it the same way.
As for him not wanting to have sex with you though.. I have no idea. Can yuo ask him, in a gentle, non pressurising, non critiscising way why he isnt ready to ML???? Dont be fobbed off. Make time to sit down quietly and talk about this crucial issue?
You keep viewing it that he doesnt fancy YOU, but could HE feel dirty? Soiled? Not able to do it yet until the memories fade for him too? I know my bf had huge problems ML after the initial 6 week excitement and euphoria wore off.. he could barely do it at all because of GUILT for months until...well the past week !!
Yuo obviously still love him and want him to be there, as do your kids?
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
OK, dirty maybe too harsh and you sure are on a roll here...
But I am going to be testing myself thru this -if it ever happens.
I have been trying to imagine how it would be like. Hoping that maybe he will feel so loving I will feel better about us. Sometimes I imagine him calling me his woman as he used to, while making love, some other times..., well, lets say, "my signal" gets hijacked and I see "scenes" from a dirty movie where I am not the star...
I'll be fine. I think all this is normal. But every step of the way, I am dealing with different emotions. I am learning as I proceed. K
I don't know quite what to say to help get you past this. This was posted on FB on the Divorce Busting page, "When things aren't going well, we spend far too much time analyzing things to death and finding fault instead of finding creative solutions."
Think of that and maybe hire Gypsy as a sex therapist!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
So... do you think you could talk to him? Do you think it could be guilt? It seems a pretty crucial issue. At least he was happy to be there and snuggle and wanted the kids to come wake him instead of sleeping in as he used to before. Sounds to me like he is edging out of a coma back to life.
I'm just talking about looking at him and imagining. Not rolling in the hay, jumping his bones. Look at his lips, his eyes. No relationship talks, just while he's walking around the house. If it feels icky stop.
"I think folks can sense half hearted gestures. And why would you force yourself to try to make love with someone you find dirty?"
She is a "dirty" girl at heart. And yes.. lots of 1/2 hearted.
"But I am going to be testing myself thru this -if it ever happens."
Really? Like it has never happened before?
"I have been trying to imagine how it would be like. Hoping that maybe he will feel so loving I will feel better about us."
Yea.. you have done this before. Still waiting on the "reaction". Pretty soon you are gonna tell me that if you explain it.. "it" will loose it's luster.. and mean less to you.
Wait.. I have heard that here before.
"Sometimes I imagine him calling me his woman as he used to"
Was that when he was "dating" or when things were "good". I will tell you right now.. you are not "his woman" with the way you are acting. I bet if you asked him.. he has no idea who you are. Wait.. you already said that. I am confused.
"well, lets say, "my signal" gets hijacked and I see "scenes" from a dirty movie where I am not the star..."
You have been watching too much porn. Is porn really that easy to get over there in Greece? I mean damn.
It was a deal breaker.. or it was not. Simple as that.
"I'll be fine. I think all this is normal. But every step of the way, I am dealing with different emotions. I am learning as I proceed."
applause.
"Check your mail."
I am gonna make it my background on my computer and see if my boss gets it.
"Yeah, that thought comes often to my mind."
Yet.. something is dragging you along?
"How SAD is it to feel your spouse doesnt deserve your love... Big ISSUE for me. He doesnt deserve it. And I CANT show it to someone that does 1000%."
The "focus" is wrong. You are using his LL as a gauge. You want a "reaction". You want an "emotional" response. To be honest.. if you want this as much as I think you do.. .001% should have been enough. Now I am known to ride unicorn's, or to talk in "alien" talk. Either way.. I am just pointing out the facts. You know this "guy". Inside and out. Yet you let him ride his unicorn/alien talk right over top of you.
You chose to post. You chose to ask how can I win.
You have to lead.
or
You have to quit.
Funny how things go is circles.
Last edited by Forrest Gump; 11/25/0905:14 AM.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
) and a large part of my head thought of him and that bed as 'soiled', dirty. And he was. But I knew I had no choice. I had to get on with it, as it was a huge part of healing the rift, the R and being a couple again. And also, exorcising the ghost of her. And yes it was a little awkward, but it worked!