Women with HD...is it true or just situational?

[ssmguy]

DanceQueen, thanks very much for your thoughtul reply! It's an interesting insight into how an HD woman like you sees the situation.

I think I could be happy with a woman in your HD range, provided you would also be interested in "supercharged" days while on a romantic vacation, etc.

It's clear to me now that my wife is LD, or ND, and checking all her boxes isn't going to make her HD. In fact, before we went to therapy, we were in a constant box-checking spin which got us nowhere. She would offer the flimsiest of excuses for avoiding any sexual activity, even on romantic getaway vacations. Even such excuses as saying that something I said three days earlier sounded uncomplimentary and was now upsetting her. In such cases, the time the excuse was needed was the first time she'd bring it up, rather than responding at the original moment to ask for a clarification. And this from a woman who is otherwise very ouspoken.

But getting down to even more basic questions, let me guess that you have no trouble having orgasms? Otherwise it would surprise me that you'd be so happy with your love life. My wife has never had an orgasm, and she has never wanted me to try to manually stimulate her sexually, though she was OK with just intercourse and did find that pleasurable in the early years.

There have been times when she's been extremely happy and thankful for things I've done, and wants to celebrate with me by going out and doing things together, etc. But she's comically succussful in making sure that we're out long enough to make sure she'll need to go straight to sleep when we get home.

I think it's fine to have checkboxes, just as you do, in a relationship where there is sex. But unfortunately, couples like us who aren't really like you and your husband, have taken advice like yours and incorrectly applied it to ourselves. For too long, I thought I was inadequate because I couldn't check enough of her boxes to have any sex at all, even if I stood on my head. And all the while I knew of couples where the wives were highly irritated at their husbands' laziness around the house, hogging the TV remote, and spending too much time with their buddies, yet these same guys were getting laid by their wives on a regular basis! At the time, that drove me nearly insane, and I pretty much chalked it up to some inadequacy I couldn't figure out. I thought there was some "magic touch" I just didn't have. And let me tell you, there is nothing like an emotional setup like that to drive a man into an affair with another woman who quickly assures him he's "got it" and is attractive, etc.

And, no, DanceQueen, I don't think it's unfair for a woman to need a fulfilled "need list". Just as long as it's an honest reflection of what you really need, and not a smokescreen for avoiding sex. Men, including myself, also have a "need list" which seems unfair to some women, such as needing a woman who is attractive, slim and athletic, for example. All of which my wife is. (We both are in excellent physical condition, so no complaints on either side.)

As for not being happy with at least a temporary fantasy of being with a woman who wants more sex than me, I'm probably different from your husband. The thing is, I agree with you -- if it's great, why wouldn't you want more? Though I'd be happy with once a day, on average, I could handle someone who wanted it 3 times a day on average, at least for a good long while! But in that case, it wouldn't be just the sex, but it would have to include a constant flirtation, making out, and mental/erotic communication. Just knowing that someone wanted sex pretty much every time I came home from work would already kick it up a notch for me.

Hey, several times I tried scheduling my wife for a romantic lunch and "nooner" in a hotel room near our places of work. She never, not even once, took me up on that, not even when we were having sex.