K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

IMO I think you really have to learn to set boundaries. You seem to equate boundaries with being a hard ass or being unkind or ugly. Boundaries are not about that. A few pages back there were some EXCELLENT posts about boundaries and why they are essential. I personally have not read the book(s) about boundaries that were suggested but why not give them a try?

I agree. I am going to.

I feel you base everything you do on not upsetting your W. When you finally started to set boundaries she did not like it. Why do you think that is? Because she realized she was no longer in total control of you. If you take a toy away from a 2 year old because they are not behaving do you just give it back because they throw a fit? No. You must follow through. And really, according to what you posted once you did start to set boundaries it seems your W started talking to you MORE about stuff other than kids/finances. Had you kept that boundary in tact which actually was HER desire you might have seen some further movement but you caved because she was showing you attention and now she is back in full control free to stomp on you when you are not useful to her and free to use you when she needs something (venting about her family for example).

I caved because she was getting defensive and angry and backing further away from me. I felt like I was pushing her further away which was the opposite of what I wanted to to. I am still in control of the situation with myself. She doesn't decide or determine anything for me.

And I do have to agree with 25, many of us make you long, personal and deep posts and you don't say a word about them, you don't engage in anything further and you usually just respond with "I ate pizza".

I get a lot posts to me. And I usually acknowledge them in some form of way, but I don't always think to or remember to. And what is wrong with pizza anyways? I have to have something to look forward to.

You just keep spinning and at some point you will need to plant your feet and do SOMETHING. Talk to your priest/C all you want but I highly urge you to remove your brother in law as one of your "counselors" as it seems he is keeping you spinning based on what HE thinks. HE is not living YOUR life.

My BIL doesn't have all the answers and neither does he claim to. He has said many times he doesn't know how he would handle being in my situation. He just tries to help where he thinks he might be able to. He has been married for 16 years to my sister and they have 7 kids. I think he knows something about marriage and families. And he has known my W for 12+ years.

Last night my H came here to drop something off that he could have easily put in the mail plus I had a bag of things for him that would have been too expensive to ship. I told him to text me when he arrived and I would meet him outside (boundary). I was nice and polite about it but I told him that is how the exchange of goods would take place. I met him outside, said a cheery hello, he asked how I was and I said GREAT and I gave him his stuff and he gave me mine. He said I looked good and I replied with a cheery THANKS and told him to have a nice night and waved goodbye. He stood there shuffling his feet trying to think of more to say. Sorry. No chit chat. The point of his stopping by was to exchange goods (boundary). I was polite, civil, kind but not going to stick around and get drawn into a chat about anything. He chose, I accepted and that is that. If that made him sad, mad, confused or whatever that is HIS issue. Not mine.

Does anything I did last night sound rude to you?

Nope. Not at all. Sounds like you have the boundaries thing down pat.

It is possible to set and execute boundaries with a smile, civility and kindness.

Yup, I am trying to learn how to implement that the right way.

Kevin