well looks like i have set up boundaries and he says nothing to them. so now what? what am i supposed to do?
It's not a real boundary unless there are repercussions for crossing it.
What boundary did you set, and what are the consequences for breaking it?
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
i said if he doesn't provide support for his children i will go t court and file. if he doesn't pick up his stuff all of it i will get rid of it, if his mother continues to take care of d2 poorly i will put her in daycare. giving key back.
i thought that if i demanded he take all his stuff it would be counter dbing? should i be pursuing it?
not sure what else i can set as far as boundaries. suggestions?
example, if you want to participate in the birth of your son....
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
Set a date. You have until ______. And then if he doesnt come get his stuff, you really do get rid of it. I would just have the locks changed.
When you set boundaries, they only work if you are ready to enforce them. If you set a boundary and are not ready to enforce it, it wont look very good for you.
Dont pursue it, or try to pressure him, these boundaries are about you, and if YOU need something, you dont wait for someone else to do it for you, you just do it. Tell him what your going to do, and do it.
If you want him there for the birth of your son, then go ahead and tell him that. IMO, its probably not a good idea to try to exclude him from that, after all, it is his child. But- that is ONLY your choice. Does he even want to be there?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
in your own opinion what makes you say its not a good idea to exclude him. i would let him know of the birth after i healed. he chose to leave, not help during pregnancy, even if he is the biological father.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
I guess because its such a monumental moment, and I think that it can be a mistake to keep him from it. It could be something that he will resent you for for the rest of his life- not that that should be the only reason that you were going to welcome him to it though. And not seeing his child for the first few weeks could upset the bonding that would occur if he was there from the beginning.
But like I have said, its your choice, your birth, your family.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
maybe i'm not understanding this the whole way. if i'm dbing, aren't the choices i make about my life supposed not include any thought of what he would think or feel, wouldn't that be still holding the rope. i really don't know and i'm sure it would hurt him but who is the birth about, what about my hurt he is causing all through the pregnancy, he's gone 9 months before without seeing his d2.
i'm just looking for the best advice, i do not have to make the decision rate now in stone, it's how i've been feeling lately.
my ulitmate goal is reconcilation
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
i said if he doesn't provide support for his children i will go t court and file. if he doesn't pick up his stuff all of it i will get rid of it, if his mother continues to take care of d2 poorly i will put her in daycare.
This concerns me the most here. Why would you tell him anything about his mother. Why would you give anyone more than 1 chance to treat your d poorly. She can't fend for herself. Why would you "threaten" your husband with this... he doesn't care it seems like. If Grannie is taking care of her poorly now... nothing will change... how did she take care of her own son?
giving key back.
i thought that if i demanded he take all his stuff it would be counter dbing? should i be pursuing it?
not sure what else i can set as far as boundaries. suggestions?
example, if you want to participate in the birth of your son....
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Jstar, What is your plan to set a boundary about the birth? I do think that your choices do need to be about you, and that your focus needs to be you and your kids... but I feel like this isnt your typical db situation.
And Sandy is right, if your daughter is being cared for poorly by H's mother, why are keeping her there! And your asking his MOTHER to change, not him.
You said that you were separated before, what changed the situation that time?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
i totally appreciate the things you guys say. for so long the rub of his mother and i has been there it i'm the one who is always suppose to be wrong about the care of our daughter.
i keep her there since she doesn't charge and since i'm the only 1 who works and support i'd like to keep my house, so now i feel like i've sold my daughter.
what changed the last time we were seperated, he got over his anger and came home, said he tied his balls up lost his manhood and just ate it to come home.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
well i set a boundary that i would no longer allow exchanges of daughter in my work parking lot at 630 am. she is sick, sounds like a seal. he refused to pick her up at my house so i had to call into work.
so i think he's testing me to see if i will put her in daycare so now i have to follow through with it. that means there are consequences for me as well. that means i can no longer pay my mortgage.
since i filed with our court to do their counseling session everythign is stayed until jan 2010. so i can't file for child support or anything.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
