Put those possibilities through your sensible and sensitive filter. Clarify boundaries for yourself so you can easily call upon them in the IC with Mrs. Thinker. Dose with compassion (you've been very consistent about this - applause). Strength and Honor.
That oughta do it
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Boundaries with Compassion: It took me a while, but I finally figured out what my boundary is regarding my moving out, overpaying alimony, etc. These all fall into the category of not rescuing, making the WAS feel consequences, etc, but that is all a negative boundary - "I am doing this because I want you to feel..." That's not it at all (and besides, it is very hard to explain that to the WAS or a 3rd party)
the real boundary is this:
"You can have your freedom and your happiness, but you can't have MINE!"
- If you want to leave the M you can leave the M, but don't ask me to make myself unhappy by changing my life (by moving to an appartment, not seeing the kids, etc) so that your life can stay unchanged.
- If you want to leave the M you can take your rightful portion of the assets and can expect to be supported for the transition period through the normal, customary spousal support, but don't ask me to give you more than that, because that would prevent me from being able to move on financially.
Last edited by Thinker; 11/24/0909:55 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker, I just told my H on Sunday that I was done; I give up; etc. I spoke with a L yesterday who told me that because of our disparate incomes, I could expect 60% of the assets. I anticipate H will NOT be happy with this.
I have been wondering the best way to "explain" why I would be a hardass when it comes to the property division--
Quote:
"You can have your freedom and your happiness, but you can't have MINE!"
this is *perfect*.
I am literally going to do a calligraphy of that and put it on my office wall.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
I can think of 3 examples where this has happened in our M so far, and each of them was an opportunity for her to unleash a surprise accusation on me ("You are a terrible husband because you...") or make a renewed demand that I do something I had already refused to do ("I need YOU to move out of the house").
Fool me once shame on you... Fool me twice shame on me.....
If you kept hitting your head against the wall and telling me how much it hurt and asked how you could stop the pain from happening again, I would tell you to stop hitting your head against the wall. (simple answer, BUT very effective in stopping the pain) If you continued to do it and asked for a different result and for me to give you a deeper meaning and more substance to the answer and that maybe there was more to it than stopping then I would tell you that you are getting what you deserve from that point on...
I recommend you don't go. You are asking for permisssion to hit your head against the wall and hoping that there will be a different result. Why would you allow yourself the risk to be beat up again after you already told us what always happens?
Is this the same IC/MC who you went to see that you called me about? Won't you know the agenda if it is?
I think this is a lose-lose situation. Never wrestle with a pig, you get dirty and the pig likes it.
She wants to talk then do it one on one like adults. Let her say what it is.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It is a very succinctly stated boundary, but in your situation Trixi, would a 'have your lawyer talk to my lawyer," response work better?
I would prefer (as would my H) to just mediate this and be done. He has access to free lawyers thru his work, I don't; thus far we are friendly. Hell, we were "dating" just 3 weeks ago and were working the retrouvaille program. I know he feels guilty right now; I don't want it to turn into a war.....
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
