Newbie with almost WAW - Need Advice

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Hi Sandi

I have not been around much lately as I felt I needed some time away from reading and posting so much.

It seems that your W is making some very positive steps, IMHO. But this particular time is fragile for her as well. That is why you must discipline yourself to NOT call her when she is late. It makes you look so clingy and I'm sure your emotions are showing.

I really hope that she is making positive steps but as you mentioned, I am trying to tone back my expectations right now. I know that most A won't be easy to break, especially if there is an emotional attachment. Since her A most likely followed the EA to PA path, I am sure that she is struggling if she is really trying to break it off and start focusing on home things again. I definitely sense the fragility of things right now which is why I am trying extra hard to be careful how I proceed after my backslide the other night.

I think the reason I had such a hard time the other night is because when she was so transparent re: her activities during the one night out (even bringing the card home), it was such shockingly different behavior for her that I felt like maybe something really good was afoot. However, I also began to sense that the class that was two nights later was going to be different (which of course it was). I think this is a good example of how LBS can really set themselves up if they don't stay patient and keep expectations in check. I do feel certain that she did see him that night but don't have confirmation.

From what you've posted, I think it sounds good. I do not think you should bring up the R talk. Continue to act "as if" everything will be okay, but it is baby-steps all along the way.

I really do hope things are moving in a good direction so I will keep trying to maintain the PMA and looking for the baby steps. W went out of the country on a vacation with a friend last week which is a first for her during our relationship. She made a big deal about getting her phone set up to have international calling ability so she could call me, however, she only called me to tell me she had arrived there and to tell me she was at the airport when on the way back. She really had no interest in what I was doing while she was away although she was very surprised when I was wide awake at 2:30 in the morning when she called. She mentioned it quite a few times after she got back too but I never offered an explanation as to why (I had been up on the phone with a friend).

I think what was most interesting to me was that while she was away, I didn't miss her that much and it kinda felt good to spend some time getting back to thinking about and being me. I went out and socialized a bit which gave my confidence a boost. I was talking with a woman who is an acquaintance and I actually felt that she made some flirtatious gestures towards me and she actually asked a lot of questions about me and my life. After two years of feeling like no one cared about my life, this felt really good and I can't describe what it did for my confidence. I can see how after a long time of feeling empty, my WAW could succumb to an A. This made me realize that I am in a really vulnerable state right now and that I need to remain strong b/c I still do want my marriage to work out.

While she was away, I spent a lot of time thinking about things that I need to improve and actually setting some goals to do this. I also spent some time in the self-help section at the bookstore as well. I realized that I had lost me in the M and that I had become co-dependent. These are things I am now resolved to change. I finished reading Learned Optimism while she was away and I have to say that is a great book for helping with realizing that a person can train themselves to not be so self defeating and negative. I also, for the first time since the bomb, came to grips with the fact that I could move on to a rewarding life even if W chooses not to spend it with me. I used the time away from her to "practice" being alone and was surprised how much my PMA increased while she was gone. My friend actually commented that he thought my attitude had really changed in the time that she was away.

I still feel this way to a large extent but after W came back, I started noticing a slight decrease in PMA and a feeling that her lack of interest in me was draining me a bit. I feel like what happened while she was away was my first glimmer of real detachment I still want my W and our M but I don't want the person that she is right now. I deserve better and I am willing to give her a better me if she wants to keep trying but I have to see efforts on her part at some point. I am a very patient person so hopefully I can hold on long enough for her to come around. At least I now know that if she doesn't come around in the end, I can find the strength to forge ahead and improve my life.

As Coach would say, I am already dead

I am struggling a little with feeling resentful right now and my therapist and friend have both pointed this out to me. Maybe it is this feeling that prompted me to reflect more on what I want and where I want to be in life, IDK. I really just have to try to remain strong and patient and learn how to lead us out of this situation.

I thought that Coach's post today in Bow's thread was great and I think it applies in my sitch. I am going to continue to keep the pressure to be my W off of her and just keep trying to connect with her where I can while I continue to focus on me. Are there any other things I can do right now to improve our chances of working towards a R. I don't plan to have any R talk but I do know that for us to move forward, at some point, I will need to see genuine remorse from her and a willingness to try a period of transparency. What is a reasonable expectation for how long one should wait on this? Should I communicate this to her at some point in the future so that she knows my conditions and that the A can't be swept under the rug?

I am going to backslide here a bit here towards being too analytical. My W has not worn her engagement ring since the bomb, however, she has kept the wedding band on. One thing she does that really bugs me is to wear a big, obscuring fashion ring up against it. I keep wondering if she does this to hide it from herself, from OM, from other potential OP or if it really means nothing. I noticed that after I called her upset when she was out late a couple of weeks ago, for the next three days she wore only her band, and one night, even her engagement ring. However, when she went back to work on Monday, it was back to the same. Does this mean anything? It is something that has really been bugging me.

Sorry for the long post!