Met with the D attorney today. Still planning to file jointly with H on Friday, but if things don't go well I now have some advice on the process. This consultation is something I should have done months ago, but at least it's done now.
Ran a 5k on Sat. Felt great to run & listen to my jogging mix on my iPod. It's so easy to let this good habit slide, but I need it for my PMA. When I've been exercising, my attitude is 'up'. When my mood slips I can see that I've let my workouts slide b/c of my schedule. Note to self - keep running!
Saw H yesterday and cried all my mascara off on the way back to work. Lots of regret. Lots of love still there for him. But the reality is he's in a fog, living with OW and hasn't shown any sign of regret, second thoughts, etc. so my life goes on without him. I took some mail & a cd of photos (he'd ask for his ski pix and I added trips, etc.). I told him there were some of the kids but none of me. He kinda smiled back, or had a compassionate look on his face. Hard to describe. I think we're getting through this with some degree of friendship and that's good. My desire is we could build on the friendship and if/when the A ends, we might see what we could rebuild. But I will stay focused on my current reality, taking care of my children and focusing on being the best me I can be. If my future looks different, and more like my desires, then I can deal with that, then.
The D hasn't been filed yet. I've gone back to feeling like I don't need to push it. When he wants to file I'd told him I'd split the filing fee, but I don't need to file first. Maybe he isn't sure or maybe he is, but I will sit back and wait.
My desire is we could build on the friendship and if/when the A ends, we might see what we could rebuild. But I will stay focused on my current reality, taking care of my children and focusing on being the best me I can be.
You don't mind playing second fiddle to the OW? You're hoping that maybe he might come back to you if the affair ends?
Originally Posted By: mnt_dreams
The D hasn't been filed yet. I've gone back to feeling like I don't need to push it. When he wants to file I'd told him I'd split the filing fee, but I don't need to file first. Maybe he isn't sure or maybe he is, but I will sit back and wait.
So you're going to be content with staying unhappily married to a man who's living with another woman. And you're willing to split the cost of filing with him?
I hope that works out for you.
I don't see him changing any time soon because he's got his OW in one hand and you taking care of his kids in the other.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Haven't seen you here for a good bit. Hope you are OK. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with the crap that you are. Broken marriages and broken families SUCK!
I am on your side.
Look at what TrentC has posted to you. This is what he would say to a friend, or somebody else that he cared about, who was living under the same circumstances that you are. My guess is that this is what you would say also to a friend, or somebody else that you cared about, who was living under these same circumstances. What he posted to you makes sense, and it's also true.
Your husband doesn't value you and he doesn't respect you. You have to let others know that you value and respect yourself enough to let go of people who don't value and respect you!
I'm sorry. This is painful stuff that most of us are dealing with here on this board. I hope good things for you.
ps - again, I'm on your side.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I really don't want to be on the fence anymore. I don't want to be second fiddle, but I clearly am. Thanks for pointing that out, Trent. Hurt a little to read that post, but I thought about it this afternoon and you are absolutely right. Antlers, you are also correct that my H isn't valuing me or respecting me. His behaviors (with OW) and lack of action (when it comes to the D) speak loud and clear.
Quote:
You have to let others know that you value and respect yourself enough to let go of people who don't value and respect you!
How best to show others I value and respect myself (or more on point is how to show myself that value and respect)? Is it filing for D? Is it never mentioning H's name again on this board or elsewhere? Is it dating someone else? Is it refusing to give a S a 2nd chance if they asked for forgiveness and a 2nd try? I think the answer is different for everyone. I've detached, and I have a pretty good PMA. My friends and family are amazed at my strength and I've worked hard at GAL. I don't post much because there isn't much going on, unless I want to obsess about H and OW and that's not healthy. But I acknowledge that I still miss H and some days are tough. I also have moments where I think about DR and MLCs and how we have to be more patient that we've ever been before if we are going to try to ride out the MLC and the A's that come with it. Does that mean we aren't valuing ourselves if we're willing to wait? I don't know... food for thought.
. How best to show others I value and respect myself (or more on point is how to show myself that value and respect)?
By doing what is best for you and your kids, and not caring what your husband or anybody else thinks about it. Is it best for you to sit on this fence still? Is it best for you to be second fiddle still? Is it best for you to not be respected or valued by your husband still?
You deserve credit for everything positive that you've accomplished and mentioned above.
I know myself, from my own experience, that not respecting and valuing myself did me harm. And putting up with people who didn't value or respect me did me harm. People treat you the way you teach them to treat you! And they will continue to treat you that way until you teach them differently (and that includes letting go of them if they don't value you or respect you).
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
ps - Do you want to be here in 2 or 3 years, or more, going back and forth from sadness to anger to temporary detachment to a backslide...then START ALL OVER?
While he's moved on even further?
Food for thought!
This is hard stuff, I know! I'm sorry you're here for the reasons you are. I think you are strong and have worked hard.
Happy Thanksgiving!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
ps - Do you want to be here in 2 or 3 years, or more, going back and forth from sadness to anger to temporary detachment to a backslide...then START ALL OVER?
No!
That would be so pitiful and it's completely within my control to avoid that. I've been thinking a lot about yesterday's comments. I need to show some self respect and stop looking back. I sent an email to STBX last night about filing. I know he's got the paperwork together so we should be able to get it filed in the next week or so. I really want it started before 2010. I want next year to be everything this year wasn't. Too much loss this year, and next year I will see my baby (S18) graduate and go to college, and then one more year with my babygirl (16) before she leaves. No more backslides. Just looking ahead!
