Good stuff, I do not eat as well, lost 20 pounds in about 1 month, so I know how it is, you ever go out with the guys for happy hour or cards, or monday night football?
By the way, Milkshakes were something that I could get down and are highly caloric, so that is how I got through for a while, need to have energy for your brain at times like these.
Came to a realization that gave me some feeling of control over my sitch.
W’s family is very much “save the marriage”. They wouldn’t hate or disown her if she divorced. But they are in principle on my side. And they know I want to save my marriage. Pressure on W.
Same with my mom and sisters. And W is very close to my mom (“she’s like my own mother”). W values that relationship and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize it.
Our friends: nobody wants to see a D happen and everyone knows I want to save my marriage.
Finally, W loves our business and she cannot divorce me of that. My name is on the LLC and there is nothing she can do about that. She needs to get along with me.
So, in terms of actually divorcing me, what are W’s options?
Consensual divorce. Not gonna happen. I will not enable a divorce and she knows it.
Hire a lawyer, file against me and have me served. Not gonna happen. That is far too harsh a move. It would harm her relationship with my mom and W still has to face me in the business every day. I could make it hell for her and she knows it.
Seems she’s fresh out of options. Her only option is to wait me out – wait until I’m so sick of limboland that I agree to a D.
Time is on my side.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
wanted to come by and offer my hugs and support for you. You are so right! Time IS on your side! Remember you cant control her, only yourself. Controlling ur sitch is another delusion as far as my opinion goes, after all you are BOTH in the sitch. Just stay positive , take care of yourself and GAL!
Time is on your side, but it does not mean that changes in your life do not need to be made. What kind of galing are you going to do this week, you need to do something fun for yourself.
Norm, FYI I haven't caught up on your sitch yet, but I will.
Just saw your post to Awoken re: AA & Al-Anon and agree completely. I've spoken often of my successful quitting without bashing the AA-12 Step myth, but after reading your post, I went off. Though you might want to read a similar believer's (long) post.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Can you tell us why you are in therapy? How long was you in therapy before your W left?
Does your W have a strong personality? Some women could devour a man like you and never look back.
I am concerned about the things your posted here:
Quote:
Came to a realization that gave me some feeling of control over my sitch.
W’s family is very much “save the marriage”. They wouldn’t hate or disown her if she divorced. But they are in principle on my side. And they know I want to save my marriage. Pressure on W.
Same with my mom and sisters. And W is very close to my mom (“she’s like my own mother”). W values that relationship and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize it.
Our friends: nobody wants to see a D happen and everyone knows I want to save my marriage.
Finally, W loves our business and she cannot divorce me of that. My name is on the LLC and there is nothing she can do about that. She needs to get along with me.
So, in terms of actually divorcing me, what are W’s options?
Consensual divorce. Not gonna happen. I will not enable a divorce and she knows it.
Why do these things give you a sense of control? You are thinking all wrong here. These things you've listed that seem to "force" your W into staying in the M with you.....why on earth would you want a W to stay with you except for one reason. Do you know what that reason is? B/C she is is crazy-out-of-her-mind-in-love-with-you! If you accept anything less, then it will never be the MR she wants. Maybe you are willing to have that type of R, but you shouldn't.
I believe she wants a lot more out of life and feels that she is dying in this M between the two of you. So, don't you think you need to come to life? Do it for yourself, first. She doesn't want to be your mother.....or your nurse. She wants a man who is attractive, confident, and manly. She won't be attracted to you until you change your mental attitude.
Start with no contact with her except what you have to do with business concerns. Then keep it strickly professional. Don't act all whimpy if she sees you at work. Act as if you are a confident man who has things going for him. If she says something like "lets be friends", then have a care-free attitude and say....."Oh, sure" as if you were talking to a customer! If she sees that it doesn't bother you.....then you may just catch her attention. That's more than you have now. Do not answer her emails to R talk!!!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Haven’t posted or read the threads for a few days. Been too busy GALing. That’s a good thing, I think, (had a great weekend) but I feel kinda selfish for not looking in and supporting the others as much. Sorry guys. Just read up on some of the threads.
My first big 180 was on or around 11/08 when I stopped pursuing. No more late night texts, “I love you/miss you/ wish you were here”. No phone calls unless warranted by business and I try to text rather than call when contact is necessary. Text seems to me to be the epitome of short and mysterious. No facial expression or tone of voice for W to go on. I knew it would take a bit of time for her to notice.
Today, had to call W on a business matter where text just wouldn’t do. Called her cell so she knew it was me before she answered: “Hi! How are you?” in a tone of voice I haven’t heard for awhile – almost excited to hear from me. Know I shouldn’t read too much into that, but it was interesting. I’ve known her for 22 years. She can’t BS me. I know she’s struggling with this separation no matter what kind of front she is putting up. And I know I have her wondering.
She’s staying with BIL with nowhere to go and no way to get there. And she really has no option for divorcing me that wouldn’t cause a ton collateral damage. As far as staving off a divorce, I’m holding all the cards.
Two thing have been on my mind:
One is a letter she sent me (via email) a couple of weeks ago that entailed all the reasons why she was unhappy and why the marriage went downhill. Some of it is legit. I haven’t been perfect. But neither has she. But, of course, she sees very little of it as her fault. I followed the advice I see on this board, “Don’t react!”, and I didn’t. I didn’t fire a letter back. BTW, I think letters can be a good way to communicate because they allow one to choose words and thoughts carefully. I’ve been re-reading the letter and adjusting my draft response to it every day. I want to validate her feelings while trying to make her understand mine and at the same time being firm and strong.
On top of all that, I know, this is all R talk. Not what sure what to do or how and when to do it. I have a feeling that she’s wondering why I didn’t respond right away, which is a plus.
Second, I’m really having trouble with how to be friends with her in a way that does not appease her desire for us to be friends after a divorce. We see each other at our business every day. We’re usually both busy with clients so I’m able to keep it cheerful but short. She says she wants us to be “good friends and business partners” as a happy ending to what she is doing (separation and divorce) and I don’t want to encourage that. At the same time, friendship could lead to a new courtship and I certainly don’t want to screw that up as I want to save my marriage.
Help me!! Anyone??
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Can you tell us why you are in therapy? How long was you in therapy before your W left?
I had/have Graves’s disease but didn’t know it. I went to therapy for the anxiety and panic attacks it can cause. That has long since ceased. But I was also drinking too much to medicate the anxiety, which ceased shortly after W left. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and neither did she. She left me when I was sick and neither of us knew what was wrong with me. I totally have that under control now.
Quote:
Does your W have a strong personality? Some women could devour a man like you and never look back.
Yes, she does, very much so. But she’s also one of the most caring, nurturing, giving people I have ever met. Interestingly (and I’ve had a lot of time to think about this), I don’t let people dominate me or walk on me as a rule. Try to screw me in my business and I’ll call you on it in a heartbeat. Mess with my friends or family, I’ll f@#$ you up. But when it comes to W, I screw up. I let her push me around. It’s the one area where I don’t confront. Mistake, I know.
Quote:
Why do these things give you a sense of control? You are thinking all wrong here. These things you've listed that seem to "force" your W into staying in the M with you.....why on earth would you want a W to stay with you except for one reason. Do you know what that reason is? B/C she is is crazy-out-of-her-mind-in-love-with-you! If you accept anything less, then it will never be the MR she wants. Maybe you are willing to have that type of R, but you shouldn't.
Point taken, Sandi. You’re right.
Quote:
I believe she wants a lot more out of life and feels that she is dying in this M between the two of you. So, don't you think you need to come to life? Do it for yourself, first. She doesn't want to be your mother.....or your nurse. She wants a man who is attractive, confident, and manly. She won't be attracted to you until you change your mental attitude.
Spot on, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. You’re absolutely right!!!
Quote:
Start with no contact with her except what you have to do with business concerns. Then keep it strickly professional. Don't act all whimpy if she sees you at work. Act as if you are a confident man who has things going for him. If she says something like "lets be friends", then have a care-free attitude and say....."Oh, sure" as if you were talking to a customer! If she sees that it doesn't bother you.....then you may just catch her attention. That's more than you have now. Do not answer her emails to R talk!!!
I hear you. I just posted question to the answering of R talk emails. Yours is my first answer, but I would like to hear from others. Thanks so much ((((Sandi))))!!!
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Months ago I signed up with a website to receive inspirational emails daily. They are short “thoughts for the day”. These are two that I have received in the past couple of days. I benefited from them. Maybe others here will, too.
I believe God wants you to know...
...that nothing is ever solved, or created, by standing still.
Movement is the process of the Universe. So move. Do something. Anything. But do not stand still. Do not remain "on the horns of a dilemma." Do not fence sit.
Put your foot down on one side or the other, swing the opposite leg over and start walking. You'll know before you take ten steps if you're going in the right direction. Not to decide is to decide. Try to not make choices by default.
And…
...that this is not the end, but the beginning.
All endings start something better. It is inevitable.
Here is God's promise: Life proceeds, it never recedes. Life progresses, it never regresses. Not even death ends anything, so how much can this particular event matter?
It is true. When one door closes, another does open. The movement of life is ever upward. Six months from today you will know this. For now, trust it.
Do you think God does not know what He is doing?
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Haven’t been posting much lately. The week before Thanksgiving my mom had a minor stroke – a “TIA” they call it. Scared us to death but she was only in the hospital for two days. Other than a little difficulty with her handwriting, she’s fine. And that will return with practice. But she does stand a 10% chance of having another stroke within a year. I’m the only sibling in town, so I feel particularly responsible for her welfare.
Mom and I had Thanksgiving dinner at her retirement home. It is very nice. Dad provided well for her. Still, it was sad. If W had not left, the two of us would have been spent the day with her very large and loving family who love us both. I was really thankful to have her with me that day, but it was really hard. Just the two of us sitting there. She is showed so much strength. It was inspiring.
Nothing much happening between W and me, and I suspect nothing much different in the near future. We interact at the business, albeit it briefly, most days. I’m always confident, cheerful and brief. Since I stopped pursuing, I have noticed that on the rare occasion when I absolutely have to call (rather than text), her tone of voice is surprisingly cheerful, “Hi!!” I’ve known her for 22 years. I know she’s struggling. I know something is up with her. But I also know not to read too much into anything she says.
That said, I know that to have a friend, you must first be one. And I haven’t done a very good job of making friends on this board by following and commenting/encouraging on the threads of others. That’s always been a problem for me. It’s not that I don’t love other people. It’s that I don’t reach out. Funny, really, because people think of me as a “people person”. What’s up with that?
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
