There are lots of ways to get OW out of your head. There are techniques (the STOP sign technique where everytime you think about her you imagine a big Stop sign in your mind and you immediately turn your thoughts to something else; the rubber band method - where you put a rubber band around your wrist and everytime you think of her you flick yourself with the rubber band; as well as other ways you can learn including tapping parts of your body, neurolinguistic programing etc etc etc) but until you get her out of your head you just have to pretend that she's not there.
The thing about pretending is that you have to "fake it" all the time. No slips. No mussings. No niggles to your husband. You have to pretend that she is nothing to you. She doesn't exist in your head or in your world.
Augtan my xH hooked up with and subsequently married his best friend's widow. She was my friend too. From the day he told me he was with her 4 years ago until now I have NEVER spoken about her to anyone. She is nothing to me.
Don't get me wrong, I fantasised about all sorts of evil things I'd like to do to her (when I dreamed up an elaborate plan to paint "Husband fcuker" in big purple letters on her weatherboard house I realised my judgement was less than optimal!!). Early on I used to have conversations in my head of what I'd like to say to her. I wrote her letters telling her how much her behaviour had hurt me - I never sent them.
The thing is she was a symptom of what was wrong between X and me - but it was easier to blame her than blame him or me.
Finally I forgave her for the part I thought she played in the breakdown of my marriage. I forgave her silently,privately, but profoundly - because I realised she was a victim to. She made some dumb decisions, but she was just doing the best she could with the resources she had available to her at the time. To her, I was just collateral damage.
When your H is home you just have to NOT talk about her. It takes discipline and it takes courage - but if you want a chance to rebuild your marriage aren't you willing to apply discipine and courage?
Everytime you raise the issue of OW with him, you take his focus away from you and your family to her. Why would you do that? It makes no sense. You don't want him thinking or talking about her - you want him thinking about and talking to you!!! Get it. Get her out of your head, out of your house and out of your life.
You can't make his decisions about who he wants to live with for him - all you can do is offer him an alternative.
For what it's worth my x called me recently just to say hello and he said something about the woman he married (and who he's now separating from) - first time he's ever mentioned her to me by name since this started. I didn't react, ignored the reference to her and responded to the other part of whatever it was he was saying.
He said to me in that conversation words to the effect that he thought it was "classy" how I never spoke badly about her. It would appear he doesn't realise I've never spoken about her at all - to him I just haven't been nasty about her. I never gave him any reason to have to defend her - and I think that worked well for both of us.
Fake it until you make it.
There is no reason you can't do it - you only have to conquer yourself.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
