It's all kind of surreal still. I am just going through motions...feels like I'll wake up from this nightmare at some point. I've had this dream before. I didn't like it then either.
I have an oddly accepting perspective since last night. I truly have loved my W. I don't want to be the cause of her unhappiness. If this is what will honestly make her happy, I will just have to let her go.
That was hard to type...maybe the oddly accepting would be better described as coming and going.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
feels like I'll wake up from this nightmare at some point.
I understand and feel for you. But, sometimes we have to wake ourselves up from the nightmare. No waiting for it to happen.
And, yes, it's painful, but you have to make a decision to keep walking out of that painful place. It will take time, but a lot less time if you keep moving.
Check out Coach's thread on surviving the holidays. In short, stay busy.
And, I know none of this advice is going to make the pain go away. But it will help you to work through it.
How are things at your place Gima? I know it looked like you were doing pretty well for a while, got told nothing changed, started to back off and she agreed to MC. How are things between the two of you now?
Last edited by Energizer Bunny; 11/25/0904:29 PM.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
How are things at our place Gima? I know it looked like you were doing pretty well, got told nothing changed, started to back off and she agreed to MC. How are things between the two of you now?
Honestly, I don't know. We are selecting a MC from our respective lists. I wish I could tell you I felt better about the chance of our M working out based on her agreeing to MC'ing, but I can't.
What I can say is that no matter what happens, I know I'll be better off b/c either (a) we work on making our M what it should have been all along or (b) I will find happiness with whatever the rest of my life holds - I have my kids, I have my health, I will be alone, but not lonely, I will probably meet someone with whom I can be happier than I have ever been (NOT someone to MAKE me happy).
I see the rest of my life as a journey. Where that leads, I don't know. But I know I will continue to learn about myself and others with a much different lens now. It's a bit scary and exciting at the same time.
I don't want to be D'd, but I am tired of auditioning for the part of my W's H and tired of trying to convince someone to love me. You see how unhealthy that is? If my W doesn't want to love me, then I don't want her. I deserve (we all do) better.
So what do you need to do to get there? I promise you it is much better than where I was. I may not like what's happening, but I feel in control.
GIMA - hopefully your W just needs help to find what she is looking for.
I think my W thinks there is something that she is missing. She says she loves me still (has recently). She has kissed me, been passionate with me, and slept with me only a few weeks ago. It makes it so much harder to accept that we are done. She's not planning to file for D at this point. She said she may miss me in a month and find the feelings that she has been missing. Then she said maybe 6 months from she will be independent and the happiest she has ever been.
My response was that I couldn't guarantee I would be open to her coming back. I said the door is open, but I can't keep it that way forever.
I'm going back and forth from the numbness.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I don't want to be D'd, but I am tired of auditioning for the part of my W's H and tired of trying to convince someone to love me. You see how unhealthy that is? If my W doesn't want to love me, then I don't want her. I deserve (we all do) better.
I second that.
I feel like I have arrived at the same place as you and Thinker. Both Thinker and I have been dealing with the situaiton for a year and there was an OM involved as well. I am sooooo close to telling W we need to get going and just file for D, but I will bite my toungue for a little longer and just enjoy the holiday weekend with my kids, put up my xmas lights, and possibly get a tree.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
GIMA - hopefully your W just needs help to find what she is looking for.
I think my W thinks there is something that she is missing. She says she loves me still (has recently). She has kissed me, been passionate with me, and slept with me only a few weeks ago. It makes it so much harder to accept that we are done. She's not planning to file for D at this point. She said she may miss me in a month and find the feelings that she has been missing. Then she said maybe 6 months from she will be independent and the happiest she has ever been.
My response was that I couldn't guarantee I would be open to her coming back. I said the door is open, but I can't keep it that way forever.
I'm going back and forth from the numbness.
I can't imagine how tough that would be - my W is the flip side of your's. My W has shown no affection, emotional support, hugs, kisses, much less anything else, since the bomb. With your sitch, I don't know if I could handle it. Can you?
If you can't, I think this needs to be a boundary. I'm sure you realize this is cake eating, right? She has you when SHE wants, but not when You want. Just saying, I couldn't do it.
As for the bit about her looking for the feelings she has been missing, you know she isn't going to find that, right. She's looking for someone else or something else to make her happy. Happiness comes from within. No place else.
Sorry man. That has to be rough. But you can handle this.
