feel like giving up - talk to me!

[Ready2Change]

...now I think its just about control....

Great. Do you want to control him? Sounds like it. Set him free. Focus on CHANGING YOU. Protect yourself with boundaries.

He doesn't want me to tell him anything he is doing wrong.

Fine! Leave him alone. Do not try and control him.

He wants me to be quiet and let him do whatever. How can I do that?

Let him make his choices. Set your boundaries on what you will tolerate.

...only a wife who didn't care about her H would sit back and let him self destruct. So...I call him out on his drinking, bad decisions/spending/irresponsibility/yelling at kids etc.

Is this the type of man you want to be married to? Who are you responsible FOR? You? Who is he responsible FOR? HIM? I am responsible FOR me and TO others without crossing boundaries. Where do your responsibilities stop and his start?

[Kimmie Lee]

You have good reason to be concerned.

He is spoiling for a fight and I would bet the rent that there is something up.

[Gnosis]

so "can we talk" may not be the best way to approach him but then what?

Timing, for one, is very important. As I get more info I'll probably be able to help you pinpoint better and give you some tips on how to broach the subject.

I know he is definately passive aggressive.

I have these tendencies too, so I may be able to help.

I am willing to learn Martian!

I'm willing to teach it as a foreign language.

There are trust issues. No proven PA but crossing the line with EA at work twice since we've been married.

This is not good. I'm NOT excusing his behavior. This meant his 'needs' were not being met at home. I'm not sure if this is a factor or not at the moment.

He has been working on that the last few years. I thought we were making progress but I guess not.

That's a good sign that he's been willing to work on it.

This is not about trust right now I think its just about control. He doesn't want me to tell him anything he is doing wrong. He wants me to be quiet and let him do whatever.

OK, this is what I see. YES, it is about control. He feels he doesn't have any. Your telling him off is increasing his resentment and decreasing his attraction for you. What you are doing is behaving like his mother. Yeah, everyone says a man will marry a woman who is like his mother, but guess what, he married you to be his wife -- not his mother.

How can I do that? ...only a wife who didn't care about her H would sit back and let him self destruct.

I hear you. This is a tough one and needs a lot of delicate handling. Sometimes you're going to have to keep your hands off as much as its going to drive you nuts.

So...I call him out on his drinking,

Here you have every right to voice an opinion. You do not need to support this. Do not replenish any alcohol in the house when it runs out. Discreetly pour away portions of it when he buys more. Don't mention it to him again. He KNOWS it's wrong. As hard as this is going to be BITE YOUR TONGUE. The more you nag a passive aggressive the more he continues doing it anyway, EVEN IF it is self-destructive.

Can you provide an example of the following:
1. bad decisions
2. spending
3. irresponsibility

yelling at kids

Is there a reason behind the yelling? (Not that this is justified)

He is really stuck on focusing on the negative right now (guess it validates his feelings)

You've got that right.

but our marriage is good when he is acting like a mature man and not a stubborn child.

I hear you, but don't act like his mother. This is the worst thing you can do.

He says he is stressed and doesn't want to fight yet he will not say lets make things better or offer his own suggestions of how it can be better?

Do you know what it is he is stressed about? Men need time alone to process their thoughts and mull over the situation. Pressuring us "to talk" and "share our feelings" does not help.

I never cry and I broke down last week - he was just irritated - I know that's DB 101 but that is in my resentment box forever.

I'm sorry that is come to tears for you. One explanation I can give you is this: Whatever is bothering him is a big deal for him at the moment. Your breaking down irritated him because he views this is one more problem he has to face and he's already feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

[luvless]

You have good reason to be concerned.

He is spoiling for a fight and I would bet the rent that there is something up.

I know

[luvless]

...only a wife who didn't care about her H would sit back and let him self destruct. So...I call him out on his drinking, bad decisions/spending/irresponsibility/yelling at kids etc.

Is this the type of man you want to be married to? Who are you responsible FOR? You? Who is he responsible FOR? HIM? I am responsible FOR me and TO others without crossing boundaries. Where do your responsibilities stop and his start?[/quote]

You may be right. This is where my resentment lives. I think about this all the time. It's so hard to be me.

[luvless]

so "can we talk" may not be the best way to approach him but then what?

Timing, for one, is very important. As I get more info I'll probably be able to help you pinpoint better and give you some tips on how to broach the subject.

Sometimes after work - and I know this is wrong.

I know he is definately passive aggressive.

I have these tendencies too, so I may be able to help.

Please - I'll listen.

I am willing to learn Martian!

I'm willing to teach it as a foreign language.

It IS foreign!

There are trust issues. No proven PA but crossing the line with EA at work twice since we've been married.

This is not good. I'm NOT excusing his behavior. This meant his 'needs' were not being met at home. I'm not sure if this is a factor or not at the moment.

I personally believe your needs can be met at home and still be selfish and let your ego get the best of you.

He has been working on that the last few years. I thought we were making progress but I guess not.

That's a good sign that he's been willing to work on it.

Yeah I thought so too but now I feel like it wasn't genuine now.

This is not about trust right now I think its just about control. He doesn't want me to tell him anything he is doing wrong. He wants me to be quiet and let him do whatever.

OK, this is what I see. YES, it is about control. He feels he doesn't have any. Your telling him off is increasing his resentment and decreasing his attraction for you. What you are doing is behaving like his mother. Yeah, everyone says a man will marry a woman who is like his mother, but guess what, he married you to be his wife -- not his mother.

it's SO hard my husband is irresponsible and cold (even when we are not having problems) so I tend to try and guide him in the most unmothering way but I guess that's it - I have to stop and I feel if I do everything will go to hell. I guess I really am at the end.

How can I do that? ...only a wife who didn't care about her H would sit back and let him self destruct.

I hear you. This is a tough one and needs a lot of delicate handling. Sometimes you're going to have to keep your hands off as much as its going to drive you nuts.

It will and possibly make me more resentful

So...I call him out on his drinking,

Here you have every right to voice an opinion. You do not need to support this. Do not replenish any alcohol in the house when it runs out. Discreetly pour away portions of it when he buys more. Don't mention it to him again. He KNOWS it's wrong. As hard as this is going to be BITE YOUR TONGUE. The more you nag a passive aggressive the more he continues doing it anyway, EVEN IF it is self-destructive.

Can you provide an example of the following:
1. bad decisions
2. spending
3. irresponsibility

wants to get drunk/stay out late on a work night (even with me) drinks and drives
knows we should be holding back yet insists on spending 100 a pop for dinner and drinks
doesn't teach our kids anything - he's just here - he has no responsibility I carry all the burden and he is feeling stressed? WTF?? now I'm angry at this moment just thinking about it!

yelling at kids

Is there a reason behind the yelling? (Not that this is justified)

He is just irritable (in general) will raise his voice but he doesn't ever raise his voice to his coworkers just here.

He is really stuck on focusing on the negative right now (guess it validates his feelings)

You've got that right.

but our marriage is good when he is acting like a mature man and not a stubborn child.

I hear you, but don't act like his mother. This is the worst thing you can do.

I know this has to change but I'm afraid it might be too late. He won't act responsible and me and the kids will pay the price.

He says he is stressed and doesn't want to fight yet he will not say lets make things better or offer his own suggestions of how it can be better?

Do you know what it is he is stressed about? Men need time alone to process their thoughts and mull over the situation. Pressuring us "to talk" and "share our feelings" does not help.

I know you guys are different but cmon - I'm trying to offer him an ear - I tell him to talk to me/vent - he chooses not to. I read other H's posts here and think to myself, "God I wish my husband thought like that" or felt like that! He has no real depth to him.

I never cry and I broke down last week - he was just irritated - I know that's DB 101 but that is in my resentment box forever.

I'm sorry that is come to tears for you. One explanation I can give you is this: Whatever is bothering him is a big deal for him at the moment. Your breaking down irritated him because he views this is one more problem he has to face and he's already feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

I understand this but if it were the other way around I would want to console him - even a little.

[luvless]

passive aggressive behavior - talk one thing ACT another - guess this is why my husband professes his love alot but is acting like an a**hole now. the latter is the truth and hard to swallow.

[luvless]

You guys would be so proud of me - it was everything in my power not to resort to talking to him and letting him know my dissatisfaction with his idiotic behavior. He comes in and walks by me and says hello to our son and doesn't give me a kiss (even if he is mad he'll kiss me goodbye in a.m and when he comes in) but nothing. It makes me ill how he is disrespecting me. I follow the advice here and just leave the room when he got home. I'm in my room trying to stay away but I want to throw a frying pan at him!

[Gnosis]

Keep your cool

[luvless]

I kept my cool. I'm just so offended by his blatant ignoring of me. I didn't sleep well last night. Reading others' stories helps me.