Ups and Downs

[givingitmyall]

EB,

I agree with Gardener. This is HER choice, HER decision to move out, so let HER handle implementing HER decision. Maybe you and S could go to a park for the day.

[Energizer Bunny]

I already agreed to help her move so I am planning to do so. I will always know that I tried all that I could and stayed true to myself.

You guys are probably right and I may be kicking myself for it in the future, but I feel that its something I have to do.

I can see that she is in pain occasionally when she doesn't have her "hardass" face on. (I bet you all know what I'm talking about here)

She needs to go at this point. Clearly she has seen this to the magic bullet to her happiness and will never be able to let it go if she doesn't see for herself.

She is still nice to me until I mention anting about moving or our R. Then she becomes a different person. I heard her crying yesterday. It took everything that I had not to go check on her. I just can't do that right now though.

Hopefully I have been a good enough man for her to miss after she leaves.

It's strange. I'm having a hard time remembering the good times now. I can remeber the warm feelings though.

I have had to fight reaching out to her today.

[Energizer Bunny]

After all this time of "Ups & Downs" I still get the pangs where it's hard to breathe, move.

[givingitmyall]

I understand. But, you have to keep working on detachment. And, I'm not talking about ridding yourself of feelings for her.

I forget, but are you seeing an IC?

[Energizer Bunny]

I was. She was horrible though.

I will have to find another IC.

Detaching gets thrown off with confusion and shock. Keep in mind, W was kissing me only a little over a week ago again. I know I can't control the outcome, but feelings are still there.

[givingitmyall]

I was. She was horrible though.

I will have to find another IC.

Detaching gets thrown off with confusion and shock. Keep in mind, W was kissing me only a little over a week ago again. I know I can't control the outcome, but feelings are still there.

Here's something I posted on Gardener's thread yesterday:

Gardener,

I'm glad you brought this up. Present company (including Trent) excluded, I think this points out the fundamental misunderstanding a lot of folks here have with detachment. They incorrectly think detachment means indifference towards their spouse or a state of no emotions. And that's NOT detachment.

Detachment means you have gone to the worst case scenario in your mind, lived it, embraced it, smelled it and realized that you WILL be ok.

Detachment has very little to do with the state of one's emotions. I believe it is more a mental toughness from facing the cold, hard facts and never, ever giving up. Sound familiar? If not, look up the Stockdale paradox.

[Energizer Bunny]

Thanks again GIMA.

She called me on my way home. She got her place a day early. She's there now. I am home with S.

She hugged me on the way out and told me she is sorry. I said the same. She held me for a while.

I miss her already.

[givingitmyall]

I understand man. And, it's ok to have feelings.

But, YOU have NOTHING to be sorry about. So, no more apologies, ok?

It takes two people to get a M where yours (and mine) is. You've already acknowledged your part. Now, let it go. You can't undo the past.

[Dia]

I feel for you, EB.

*Dia uploads tea and sympathy*

[Energizer Bunny]

Thanks guys. Nice to see you Dia. I hope all is well in your world. I don't get a chance to keep up with the boards like I used to. No computer access. I have to do it all on my phone : (

There's a weird numbness to all of this. It feels like she is just going on vacation for a little while. How strange.