Not sure what to do

[stu321]

Hi all,

I need some advice.

W called me this afternoon and spoke to me about the house. At first I thought she was interested cause she might have had second thoughts. Well, I was wrong.

She started telling me that she wants to make sure its sellable so that we can get as much as possible.

She said she wanted to keeps lawyers and the family court out of it. I said as long as things are fair. She then said that I can't take our son away from her. I told her I didn't want to take him away from her, but I want to be a part of this life as much as possible.

Then we started talking about the house again, and said we'd probably put on the market early next year once we've had a chance to fix the garden up. She also said "you wouldn't give me the house" to which I replied "do you think I would give you the house?". She didn't answer. Then she asked me if I was planning on buying her out, and I said I wasn't sure. She said her father built that house and then she started crying and said she has to go.

I'm starting to wonder if she is now realising that this is not going to be easy as she first thought.

I feel like calling her and saying that this is going to be a difficult process, and wouldn't it be worth trying again.

Should I ?

[TrentC]

I need some advice.
She said she wanted to keeps lawyers and the family court out of it. I said as long as things are fair.

BZZZT! Wrong answer, the way you ensure things are fair is to involve lawyers. She is not your friend in this.

The whole "let's make this as amicable as possible" and "we can still be friends" is pure 100% WAS script. They want to make it as easy as possible on themselves.

She then said that I can't take our son away from her. I told her I didn't want to take him away from her, but I want to be a part of this life as much as possible.

Again, wrong answer. You tell her that your attorneys will help you work out a good custody schedule.

She also said "you wouldn't give me the house" to which I replied "do you think I would give you the house?". She didn't answer. Then she asked me if I was planning on buying her out, and I said I wasn't sure. She said her father built that house and then she started crying and said she has to go.

No, no, NO! Do not discuss this at all with her! Your answers should be "I'll have to think about it and get back to you."

I'm starting to wonder if she is now realising that this is not going to be easy as she first thought.

Which is why you don't lift a finger to help her in this.

I feel like calling her and saying that this is going to be a difficult process, and wouldn't it be worth trying again.

Should I ?

NO!

She isn't going to listen to you right now. She's concerned about her well-being only.

The only way to get it through to a WAS to make them figure it out for themselves. When they're looking at retaining a lawyer, and arguing about custody, and deciding what to do about selling the house -- THEN they might come to YOU.

[stu321]

Thanks Trent. I will get a lawyer, but how do I tell her I am doing this now?
She also suggest keeping our accounts together until after we sell the house. I earn almost 3 times what she does and for her to pay half the mortgage will put a huge strain on her finances. It will pretty much take up about 60% of her wage. If I do seperate them, I don't know how much I should give her to assist in raising our son. If at all any, as I will take care of school fees and clothes (which I will buy)

[TrentC]

Thanks Trent. I will get a lawyer, but how do I tell her I am doing this now?

You don't. You just go do it. If she asks, tell her that you thought about it afterwards, and you decided that you wanted to know what your rights are going into the divorce.

She also suggest keeping our accounts together until after we sell the house.

This is not my strong suit; you're better off getting advice from someone else (or better yet, your lawyer).

[stu321]

Maybe I'm too nice, but I just don't know if threatening her (she will see it as a threat, even though it isn't) will push her further away, but your right, I don't want to make it easy for her to divorce me either.

[bluerain]

Stu, if she starts to act upset, you can just tell her that if she wants out, you have to make sure that everything is fair, and you are protected.

[stu321]

Hi All,

I want to throw a question out there. When my W told me she wanted out, one of her reasons was she thought it would be better for our son to have two parents seperated and happy and 2 parents together and miserable. Over the last few weeks, my son and I have had some great fun and I have been happy when I have been with him.

What concerns me, is that she will see this and see it as validation for her asking for a divorce. I'm sort of in a sticky situation here.

What I would really like is for the three of us to be happy together.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I still be happy with my son, but also not let her use it as a reason to go through with the divorce or to at least try to make things work ?

Thanks

[stu321]

Hi All,
she thought it would be better for our son to have two parents seperated and happy and 2 parents together and miserable.

Sorry, It should of said :
"she thought it would be better for our son to have two parents seperated and happy rather than 2 parents together and miserable."

[TrentC]

What concerns me, is that she will see this and see it as validation for her asking for a divorce. I'm sort of in a sticky situation here.

You can't control how she feels about the situation. So don't try.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I still be happy with my son, but also not let her use it as a reason to go through with the divorce or to at least try to make things work ?

Nothing that hasn't been said in MWD's books and countless posts on this forum.

You can't make a wayward wife stay if she wants to go. The only power you have in the relationship is control over yourself and your behavior. Change yourself, and you change the nature of the relationship. Change the relationship enough, and she will question her decisions.

[stu321]

Thanks Trent,

when u say "change the relationship enough and she will question her decision", do you mean the relationship with my son or with her ?