Trying LRT - Please Help!

[Gardener]

m03,

GIMA,At what point do you go from an honest invitation to pursuing? In some ways I see this invite as an opportunity for H to do some cake eating but on the other hand I would hate for him to miss this milestone. I am stuggling with where to draw the line.

I'd say if you were inviting him over to celebrate your birthday, you'd be pursuing. His daughter's birthday = not pursuing.

As an example, the day after Thanksgiving, in the past we would go to a tree farm and pick out the family Christmas tree, decorate the tree, the whole nine yards. H has the kids on Thanksgiving day and dropping them off on the day after Thanksgiving. I still plan on keeping up with the tradition and taking them to get the Christmas tree. Would it be okay to extend the invitation to H in this sitch? Or is that one too many invites in the same week?

The day after Thanksgiving, I'd be all ready to go do the tree thing and see if he says anything about it. And ask yourself how you feel about having him along. Would you feel awkward? Happy for the kids? Wishing he were on another continent?
To me, D's birthday and Thanksgiving being so close = coincidence and not a "too many invites in the same week."
Your call.

[motherof3]

Thanks for the input Gardener.

The day after Thanksgiving, I'd be all ready to go do the tree thing and see if he says anything about it. And ask yourself how you feel about having him along. Would you feel awkward? Happy for the kids? Wishing he were on another continent?

To answer your questions, I think I would feel a little awkward at first but would put my best acting as if game face on. I would be definitely be happy for the kids. They would also love it. As for wishing he were on another continent, I have moved past this and feel no anger towards him. Okay so maybe just a little anger at times, but it is something that I no longer wear on my sleeve.

I think I will invite H over for D's b-day. But hold off on the tree thing for now. Maybe I will just ask him on that day when he drops off the kids. Something to the effect of "Hey, later today the kids and I are going to the tree farm. Would you like to join us?" I assume he will say no, but I guess I won't know unless I ask.

BTW Gardener, I have been following your thread. Just haven't posted much as I don't feel I am in the position to offer you any advice. Just wanted you to know that your sitch, like so many others, is a nightmare to live through. And yet, day after day you stand tall. I admire that.

[motherof3]

Just journaling.

All day today I have felt weepy and sad. Now I am emotionally exhausted. I just keep thinking about the fact that I will not spend Thanksgiving day with my kids. H is picking them up tomorrow morning to spend a couple of days with his folks. I miss the kids already and they aren't even gone yet. My heart aches.

I have plans with friends for the big T-day, but it is just not going to be the same.

So H just called me at work. He wanted to let me know that there is going to be a large credit card charge coming through for car repairs. He sounded frustrated/disgusted. His car needed new tires, new belts, new breakpads, and the list goes on. I let him tell me about the situation without making much comment. Then I finally said, that I was glad he decided to get all this maintenance out of the way before heading out of town with the kids.

Not much else to report, except that I am going to need all the help that I can get to make it through the next couple of days.

[givingitmyall]

Just journaling.

All day today I have felt weepy and sad. Now I am emotionally exhausted. I just keep thinking about the fact that I will not spend Thanksgiving day with my kids. H is picking them up tomorrow morning to spend a couple of days with his folks. I miss the kids already and they aren't even gone yet. My heart aches.

I have plans with friends for the big T-day, but it is just not going to be the same.

So H just called me at work. He wanted to let me know that there is going to be a large credit card charge coming through for car repairs. He sounded frustrated/disgusted. His car needed new tires, new belts, new breakpads, and the list goes on. I let him tell me about the situation without making much comment. Then I finally said, that I was glad he decided to get all this maintenance out of the way before heading out of town with the kids.

Not much else to report, except that I am going to need all the help that I can get to make it through the next couple of days.

Stay busy. Very busy.

And, post here.

It may not be easy, but you CAN do this. What choice do you have?

[MindsEye]

I just want to mention here that my H and I just entered into a 6 mo Controlled Separation, however the first 1-2 mo's we are living under same roof, so we are doing a mini CS, basically, we give each other guide lines. I do not mean to hijack your thread but i would love to hear how your CS is going. I am thinking of using DB guidelines to help me tough out the CS. In our CS also, we both said dating was OK, but H knows I will not be pursuing anyone. I dont really think he is going to either, but then again, i never would have imagined any of this happening (MLC, selling house due to huge financial stress which he feels like a total failure for but likes to blame every single person and wants to distance anyone who helped in this house purchase, meanwhile, it was all his decision!). Re: the dating issue, H found out that out of curiosity, i went on match.com, and had tons of men interested in me. He actually got jealous...which i thought was funny.

And, last night, he mentioned to me he wanted to see a therapist! And, he agreed to read the book "The seven principles for making marriage work" saying it was about time he "man up" i think he said.

last night was our "date night" and also the same night we signed the separation agreement. It was odd, however, b/c we cooked a nice dinner together, had sex, even went to the diner after, and this morning, i woke to him cleaning up the Kit and we cleaned together. He even greeted me w/ a hug. Since we are doing a partial separation, i kept the conversation light, and walked away first saying "have a nice day, see u later".

I could have this kind of thing all the time. If i can get over my worry that he might want out still, or possibly meet a OW since I gave my OK for us to date (we discussed at length what that means to both of us), i might actually like the changes that are going on.

[motherof3]

Mindseye,

I guess I consider my CS agreement null or void and have reverted completely to following the DB guidelines. My sitch sounds a little different then yours. At least you two are communicating and going out on 'dates'. The only time H and I speak is in regards to the kids, and 'dating' is out of the question. Currently, I feel like the only reason H hasn't filed for D yet is because of this agreement we setup.

Here is the thread I created today. That will give you some more insight on what I am going to do.

Need some advice from experienced DBer's

Back to your sitch. If it seems to be working for you, keep doing it. Just be sure to follow the DB advice and only focus on the things that you can control.

Mo3

[motherof3]

Today was hard for me. Thanksgiving, to me, is a time for good food, family, and giving thanks. Today I ate good food but had to substitute family for friends. And I don't feel like being very thankful at the momment. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty to be thankful for, but the one thing that I want most is so far out of reach. And certainly out of my control.

Do you think H had a difficult Thanksgiving too? He did have the kiddos with him. But even so, it still had to be at the very least, strange. Guess I am not as detached as I thought. Need to work on that.

It was very difficult to watch my friends' family interact with each other. It was painful watching husband and wife flirting in the kitchen, the boys wrestling, sitting down together to eat as a family, plus one (me). I envied it all. This is exactly what I want for myself and my family.

This brings up one of many things that I don't understand about a WAS. Why give this all up? Why break up a family? You say you are not happy. So let's fix it. But instead he just walked away from me. Not the kids, mind you, just me and our M. I know this action is typical of a WAS. That doesn't mean I understand it. Nor does that mean I have to like it. It just is and now I have to deal with it. And in the end, I will be okay.

Sorry for the venting. I feel better now.

[Gardener]

The Tree Farm plan sounds good. Spontaneous and flexible.

BTW Gardener, I have been following your thread. Just haven't posted much as I don't feel I am in the position to offer you any advice. Just wanted you to know that your sitch, like so many others, is a nightmare to live through. And yet, day after day you stand tall. I admire that.

Why, thank you. We all are living nightmares that we never signed on for. And all of us here stand tall, even when it would be so much easier to just collapse for a while.

Regarding posting on my thread, not to worry. We can't comment on every sitch or we'd go nuts. I try occasionally to bring one thing to posters' attention: Look at the two columns on the main page of threads - Replies and Views. Views to Replies is almost always a ratio of at least 10:1.
I take comfort and strength in so many checking in, commiserating, whatever.
"I don't have time to to reply, or I don't know what to tell you. But I'm here."

Do you think H had a difficult Thanksgiving too? He did have the kiddos with him. But even so, it still had to be at the very least, strange. Guess I am not as detached as I thought. Need to work on that.

I think you nailed it: Difficult and strange.
And detachment means working mentally and emotionally through either outcome: repair or divorce and letting go of control of outcome knowing, at the very least, you will be okay either way. Detachment is not heartless; it is not unemotional. Sometimes (like holidays!) you wonder about your S's state, thoughts, etc. empathetically, sympathetically

This brings up one of many things that I don't understand about a WAS. Why give this all up? Why break up a family? You say you are not happy. So let's fix it. But instead he just walked away from me. Not the kids, mind you, just me and our M. I know this action is typical of a WAS. That doesn't mean I understand it. Nor does that mean I have to like it. It just is and now I have to deal with it. And in the end, I will be okay.

Why, indeed? Why? Why? The question - THE question that never seems to get answered.
Happy Thanksgiving, mo3.

[motherof3]

I feel like I just sealed the fate of my marriage and I am a mix of emotions right now and yet somehow at peace. Is that even possible?

What you are about to read may come across as a R talk with H. And in some cases I probably did cross the line. I don't need any 2x4's right now. I just need to know that I am going to be okay. And typing this out helps put the whole sitch in perspective for me.

Today I reqeusted a meeting with H, telling him I only needed five minutes of his time.

I started by asking him why he agreed to a four month "controlled separation". He response was "because you asked me to."

I told him that I didn't need that security blanket anymore and wanted to terminate the controlled separation agreement that we had made. (If that is the only thing stopping him from a D, then what's the point?)

I made it clear that I didn't want a divorce, but that I didn't want our old marriage back either. I told him that I want to work on our R to see where it takes us.

He said that his feelings haven't changed and that he still wants a D. I replied with, if that is how you feel, than I will not stand in your way. He asked if I would consider mediation and I said that I would be willing to listen.

Being unhappy is the reason he gave for leaving me. At the time he moved out, H said that he didn't like the person he had become. So I asked him if he was happy now. He said no. Pardon my French, but WTF? He continued to give me a list of everything that had gone wrong for him lately, including but not limited to, work, car repairs, money issues, virus on the home computer, family pet died, etc. I just sat there intently and listened. But in the back of my mind I kept thinking, and don't you think it would be easier to get through all of this together you big IDIOT.

I also told H that I would not be comfortable telling the kids anything but the truth. As currently, they all believe that the decision for daddy to move out of the house was made jointly by H and myself. (This tactic was recommended to us by our MC at the time.) I let H know that in the event of a divorce, the kids would know the truth of the how's and why's. H said that he understood.

Before I left, I took out a copy of MWD's article, 'For the Sake of the Kids' and asked him to read it. He said that he would. Don't know if he really will.

Then I walked out the door and never looked back. I did all of this without shedding a tear, although at times, I thought H might. I held my head high.

And now I am grieving for H and for the what could have been and probably won't be. It is so strange because I also feel relieved. Almost like a great burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I just can't explain it.

[motherof3]

I wanted to add that shortly after leaving H's house, that I realized I never posed this question to him. So if you were not happy before, and you are not happy now, what make's you think that our marriage was the real issue? What make's you think that you will be happy in the future without me?

I debated on whether to call him or not to make this point. Back and forth. Do I call him? Do I not?

So I called. And guess what, the line was busy. I took this to be a sign from above. Good or bad? I don't know, but I didn't call H back.