P17 So far this is not a very good go at no contact.
Reread your letter. And only do the actions outlined in your letter.
No more.
Anything more is fence sitting.
I'm not sure what you mean. I thought I did what I had to do under awkward circumstances.
Last Wednesday, W had arranged to be here. Since then I sent the letter and assumed she understood that NC meant 'dont come around on Monday'.
She came around after I had sent the letter and said she didn't understand it. I had to explain what it meant. Basically I repeated what the letter said, ad-libbed a little and that was it.
If you are referring to the card, I did that for D. She wanted to give her it but by that time W had left.
My own take is that the letter was crystal clear in what it meant. NC means NC. I feel that W was testing me.
Last edited by P17; 11/23/0908:20 PM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
P17, I seriously doubt you will never see your W again. Please reread success stories on this forum as well as other forums.
I do read the success stories and they give you hope. I don't think I will see or hear from W again. Why would she contact me?
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Why is NC this time so much harder than last time? Or is it?Is it because of the letter?
I have been trying to understand why it's so much harder this time. I don't know. All I have come up with is that during those 10 days of NC I knew at the end of it there would be contact. Not it's all so final.
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I have 2 e-books; one is called "Break Free From the Affair" and the other is called "The Magic of Making Up" but they both have much of the same advice as DivorceBusters and Divorce Remedy (READ THOSE BOOKS AGAIN).
I like the Fast Forward Technique - I think I will give that a try.
Thanks newmama.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
You did okay with NC...sometimes the WAS will surprise us--what can you do, you know? Just be consistent from this point forward.
As long as no cards or letters go out from this point, all is good.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Spoke to W's other friend last night. As I said I wanted to get both of these out of the way on the same day so there is no dragging it out. The only other thing I will likely be doing (haven't decided yet) is letters to her work and her union about the A. That is all I have in mind now. If I do that I want to do it this week so everything is not being dragged out.
Spoke to friend for 3 hours at her home than about an hour by phone when I got home. Mostly about relationships and trivial stuff. Not so much W.
She said she didn't know much at all about what was happening. W has kept it all pretty quiet by the sounds of things.
She wasn't aware A was going on for some time. She doesn't think W is drinking. She doesn't know much about OM, although he has his own bedroom (I think for benefit / financial reasons they are claiming he is a lodger).
She understood why I did what I did and stopped all contact (she has a son who is 6). She thinks W has not had time to grieve for the R.
Finally, she also said that maybe this time apart would remind of us of what we have lost. I know she knows more than she said but she was pretty honest and straight with me. She is a nice girl. Unfortunately, W won't be reminded of anything while she is having an A.
The distinct impression though is that the M is over in W's eyes. I know we've all heard this a thousand times but I am trying to take that on board and run with it to allow me to detach. I won't give up hope until one of two things happen - W get's pregnant (I know she wants kids and it really wouldn't surprise me if she is trying with him now) or the D happens (which will be 2 years).
In the meantime I am going to do the best I can to detach. I will no doubt be back here telling you all how difficult it is and looking for advice but NC will at least allow me to try.
The one thing that is still niggling at the back of my head is this. When I spoke to W yesterday and told her what I am doing, she said 'see you later' when she left. I know I've been through a thousand times not analysing what she says, but this was just a very strange thing to say. I walked away from her without saying goodbye and without even looking around at her as she drove off. That was a natural reaction I think after telling somebody you won't see them again. Saying 'see you later' isn't. I don't know, it was just strange. It probably means nothing but it the tone that went with it just confuses me.
Finally I am now absolutely positive that W was testing me yesterday to see if I would buckle when she came around. I have buckled every other time. The letter was clear and there was no ambiguity. I'm proud of myself for standing up and repeating the letter in a calm, clear and non-judgemental tone under difficult circumstances but I am convinced she was testing me.
Still sad that I don't believe I will see or hear from W again. But I need to move on.
Last edited by P17; 11/24/0910:24 AM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Yep, I think W doesn't believe you will be able to stick to NC. A couple of Qs for you-- did you want more kids? why did you and your first wife divorce?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
P17 Once your done all these conversations with people you need to cut that out as well. Going dark includes you. No recon. People will tell you things but you got to change the topic.
P17 Once your done all these conversations with people you need to cut that out as well.
Absolutely. I had two conversations yesterday and that was an end to it. I did them both in the same day so as not to drag this out any further at all.
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Going dark includes you. No recon. People will tell you things but you got to change the topic.
Everybody already knows to tell me nothing.
IC also recommended that if anybody asks about W I tell them 'the last I saw she was fine' and change the subject. If anybody wants to talk about my sitch I politely tell them I don't want to talk about it. That will allow me to stop her going around in my head. Out of sight out of mind kind of thing.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
P17 you should listen to some metric. Help I'm Alive. Emily Haines has a beautiful voice.
I tremble, they're gonna eat me alive If I stumble they're gonna eat me alive Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer? Beating like a hammer
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer Hard to be soft, tough to be tender Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer Beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer Beating like a hammer
If you're still alive my regrets are few If my life is mine what shouldn't I do? I get wherever I'm going, I get whatever I need While my blood's still flowing and my heart's still Beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer Hard to be soft, tough to be tender Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer Beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer Beating like a hammer
If you're still alive my regrets are few If my life is mine what shouldn't I do? I get wherever I'm going, I get whatever I need
While my blood's still flowing and my heart's still beating like a hammer Beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer Beating like a hammer
I tremble, they're gonna eat me alive If I stumble they're gonna eat me alive Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer? Beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer Beating like a hammer
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
