I am having a real hard time figuring out how to be supportive of my w and the rough time she is going through, while at the same time maintaining my boundaries and detachment.
My instictual desire is to bring her some flowers and hug her and tell her that I understand what she is going through with her mom. I want to tell her that I'm there for her, and go home from work early to take over the kids so she can have some time to herself.
But that doesn't match with our M sitch - she doesn't want me, doesn't want to be M'd, I don't want to be m'd under these circumstances, etc. I'm already d'd, etc..
so I am left being confused.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Just got a call from Mrs. T. She had an IC session today and wants me to attend her IC session with her next week. She was checking my schedule.
I'll go, but my gut right now is telling me "don't go! Run away!". This seems like a setup for an ambush - she and IC have discussed something and have now decided I need to be brought in. I have been in this situation with her before, and it was never pleasant - always ended up as a time to unload on me, or announce a (negative) change to me.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I am having a real hard time figuring out how to be supportive of my w and the rough time she is going through, while at the same time maintaining my boundaries and detachment.
My instictual desire is to bring her some flowers and hug her and tell her that I understand what she is going through with her mom. I want to tell her that I'm there for her, and go home from work early to take over the kids so she can have some time to herself.
But that doesn't match with our M sitch - she doesn't want me, doesn't want to be M'd, I don't want to be m'd under these circumstances, etc. I'm already d'd, etc..
so I am left being confused.
What would you do for a friend or a close colleague in similar circumstances?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
My W pulled me into one of these once. It was scary as hell. The IC really wanted to take to me mostly though. I think she wanted to see if I was as crazy as W described me.
IC seems to think we sould work on it. W freaked out. (I think W wanted IC to give her the green light to go).
My suggestion, don't fear it, but be prepared just in case.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
What would you do for a friend or a close colleague in similar circumstances?
Honestly? Not that much.
I'd pick a time (1 on 1) and tell them I was sorry about what was happening. After saying this once, I'd leave it alone.
If they were a work colleague or employee, I'd cut them some slack, expecting that they needed a bit of time for a while to take care of things and wouldn't always be carrying their full daily workload.
If they were a friend, I would understand if they didn't want to do anything social, but would still include them in the invites in case they did.
Other than that...?
Last edited by Thinker; 11/24/0908:51 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
There's no way I wouldn't go. The flinching is kind of a pavlovian response - I can think of 3 examples where this has happened in our M so far, and each of them was an opportunity for her to unleash a surprise accusation on me ("You are a terrible husband because you...") or make a renewed demand that I do something I had already refused to do ("I need YOU to move out of the house").
A couple of years ago I joined an IC session thinking I was going to learn how to help her with her grief over her dad's death, and got roasted for an hour for thinks like not putting the toilet seat down.
If I had to guess (mindread) right now, I'd say it is going to go one of two directions. Either she is concerned about me being "mysterious" (Going out, dressed nicely, vague answers, not calling her when she is away, etc) and wants to demand that I stop, or she is going to renew her request for space on her terms (I move out).
How much can it hurt - I'm already dead!
My only question right now is whether I should just drop it and wait until Monday, or (since it is bothering me and therefore my responsibility to bring it up) ask her in advance what topic she wants to discuss there.
Last edited by Thinker; 11/24/0909:03 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I'm thinking that you should not ask what the topic is. Listen for clues between now and then but don't ask. Do you have any ideas already? Mull 'em over with your new and improved inside voice so you can be in a healthy frame of mind when you get there. Imagine how the now - enlightened, strong, compassionate Thinker will hear whatever it is.
Know what I mean? Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
