WAS seeing reality?

[v1olin]

Gnosis,
On points 1-4 you are correct! But I changed all of those things right after the bomb. I need a haircut right now actually. I would get my hair cut only about 3times a year before! Slo did not wear cologne, wear dress shirts, or pants that fit me very well. I was also overweight by about 30 pounds this time last year. But, I think my biggest problem was AMBITION. I am a talented craftsman but I did nothing at all to build my business. I was routinely late making bill payments and last Christmas I had no money at all to buy gifts because I just did not work hard enough. I was in a rut big time and I had no idea how to get out of it.

[Gnosis]

you called?

[v1olin]

sorry accidentaly hit the enter key

[Gnosis]

That's OK... sometimes I feel like a genie and pop out when my lamp get's rubbed.

So... I'll wait for your comments on my feedback before I re-read your thread.

[Gnosis]

OK. Didn't see you edited. In a summary can you give me a rundown of what you've tried, what's worked and not worked? While I read your thread... because your posts are scant.

[v1olin]

I tried acts of service for a very long time and only stopped those completely about 2 months ago. I have kept my distance for the most part this whole time but maybe I should ask her on dates and stuff like that now? I always was kind of a weeny when it came to hitting on women - or maybe too nice?


I have initiated only 3 or 4 conversations since the bomb and she has not initiated any. These are the ones that started out as legal talks and evolved into R talks. I have seen some emotion from her during these talks.


Should I be complimenting her some?



I told her I was done worrying about getting her back and I also told her that I dont want to be married to her anymore. I told her she was lying about her relationship with the EA and she lied. So I told her a few details that I had and she sat steaming with her arms crossed. Then she said that just like always I was blaming someone else for my problems! Can you beleive that? But I was ready for this kind of deflection from her.


I think I will have to reveiw my own thread so I can remember it myself! I did pay for 4 phone coach sessions but the last one was in August.

[v1olin]

Gnosis,

So, if talking is what she responds to then how do I do it now while being detached? Do I want to show her that she can talk to me at this point? Our court date is in January and after that we will be divorced. I dont really have much to lose at this point.


She has said to me that she wants to be friends like we were in highschool but that is it. I have been seeing this as cake eating but maybe it is my way back into her heart? Because... when I confronted her on the 27th she told me that "if we could be friends like we were in highschool then great, that is all I can offer right now." Did she show her hand when she said "right now"?

Back in june we had one of the phone talks where she broke down and through tears said, "when we talk about music or work it reminds me of how we were in highschool,that is comfort to me." I thought I was on the right path but then I would read in her journal about her wanting to spend every waking moment with the other guy.! So I detached...

[Gnosis]

I'll be honest V1 I started reading your thread and then got torn away. Haven't forgotten about you, but want to be sure to point you in the right direction.

So far you're doing some stuff right (upgrading your looks etc). Pointed out to her that after D you will not be friends. Don't read much into the "right now." You never know what they are thinking and it drives you nuts to try and figure it out.

How often do the two of you talk?
How? (In person, phone, email)
What do you talk about?

- Start over the phone by being interested in how work is going. i.e. After the "business" talk, ask, "So how is work?" And let her rip. (OM is comforting to talk to...)

- Let it progress to her dreams .. i.e. how far is the next promo... and let her rip.

Keep it light and start connecting. Remember your boundaries and offer no support, advice or nothing. Don't tell her you'll be there for her... just listen. Validate where you can.

Back in June is five months ago and the affair was full steam ahead. Now the OM is out of the picture there is a void to be filled. Take it slow. Test the waters and see her reaction.

Give us some feedback hear on how things go.

[Gnosis]

Some answers:

- Keep refraining from Acts of Service until you're getting positive feedback.

- No dates right now. First start communicating.

- You answered my prev. question about freq. of contact. Time to step it up. Call her today. Use a pretext of Legal talk. Stay away from "I miss you's" and R talk.

- T-Day call and wish her well.

- Complements are reserved for when you see her. Take notice of something and point it out. e.g. "Wow, you've changed your nail color. It looks good on you." ONE complement allowed only and it better be deep. Ask yourself what do women like? Vanity. Look at: hairstyle, color, nails, accessories (ear-rings, belt, shoes). Give honest and sincere appreciation, don't make it look like you're pursuing.

Things like, "You look great..." <puke> Whatever you say, substantiate it.

I told her she was lying about her relationship with the EA and she lied. So I told her a few details that I had and she sat steaming with her arms crossed. Then she said that just like always I was blaming someone else for my problems!

I'll be honest, this is not a good sign.

From now on refrain from anything that you know will get her angry or upset.

[v1olin]

There is something to say about the confrontation. A few days after that we were both supposed to have an intervue together for my daughters children of divorce support group. I knew the time of the meeting but not the place. The time came and went and she did not call. To be fair, I did not call her either. It took 2 weeks of no contact until one day I dropped the kids off she caught me before I left. She told me to hold on because she wanted to talk to me so I said "ok, whats up?" She wanted to apologize to me for stiffing me on the meeting. When she did it her arms were not crossed and she seemed relaxed. She told me that she did it because she was "pissed" at me. Then she said that she felt violated because I looked at her stuff. I listened and validated, "I understand" "I know". Then I said I had to go. See ya later!


So, tonight we all went to the support group for our D7 and we had to all write what we are thankful for. I wrote that I was thankful for my family and this painful but valuable experience. My W wrote that she was thankful for our 2 daughters and then my d7 made her write my name in there too. haha! Damn, did W look good tonight. I almost said so too. I have been torn between being dark and coming off as pursuing but what do I have to lose?


Yesterday I decided to send her a text with an inside joke from the night we went to the concert with d7. She responded in about 45 seconds. This is an improvement from the last time I tried something like that which was about 6 months ago.Six months ago she would have ignored it. So I sent another and then ended it after that.