Just so you know... 2

[orangedog]

Study break. What can I bring you? Coffee? Tea? Cocoa? Chai?

[bluerain]

Beer! Its time! I just finished my paper. I was going to just do most of it tonight, but eh, I dont have to worry about it anymore.

Im looking forward to this next week, I only have class on monday, so the rest of the week is mine! Besides a little bit of work wednesday and friday. I plan to work ahead on as many of my classes as I can. Theres only a few weeks left of the semester, so I think that getting it done will feel really good.

[orangedog]

Yay! Kick back time.

[bluerain]

Boy, I am angry today. I keep formulating these nasty messages to send to X. I am carefully weighing the pros and cons, and Im fairly certain that it wouldnt do me any good, but I still really want to say something terrible, and then when he says hes sorry, I would tell him to go to hell!

This is all precipitated by something else that I will post about when I have a minute later. Right now Im off to my speech class, I have a speech about organ donation to give... ugh, I cant focus at all!

Its warm and raining out, I might go for a run on the beach later.

[bluerain]

Ok. I went to the beach, it was super icy still though, so I didnt run, just walked for a while... very carefully!

So I have been involved with someone for a little while, maybe 2 months or so, and it was his birthday today. I went to his fb to post a happy b-day message and there was another girl on there who said "happy birthday sweetie!" Now, I dont know who this woman is, or why she would call him sweetie- there are about 7000 other reasons that she might. But I instantly went straight to an A of some kind.

Now really, Im not mad at him, I am furious with my X. This is my baggage, and I cant blame this poor new guy for it. But I wouldnt be jealous and suspicious, and paranoid if it werent for X's crap! I hate these feelings, and I have never had to deal with them before X's A. I am not a happy girl today.

I still havent talked to BF about it. Im not sure how to bring it up, seriously, the message was pretty innocent, and this isnt his issue, its mine. I dont want to become an angry paranoid crazy lady whenever some other female speaks to my partner!

[orangedog]

You're going to have some hot buttons for a while. Your M ended because of an A so someone else giving your BF the eye or in this case, sweet words is going to sting extra hard. Understand that.

You can blame your X and write him a nasty email, after all he did some unkind things but you will heal faster if you try to move past it. "Ex made me like this..." is playing the victim and it won't allow you to heal. "I hate feeling like this so I won't let my Ex define my thoughts and feelings anymore..." is Bluerain in charge.


If your new BF is worth it, he should understand you've gone thru a lot and will still have things you're sensitive about. It doesn't mean carrying around all the baggage of your past but he will need need to understand this is a process that takes some time. You are throwing the bags off the back of the boat one by one.

[bluerain]

I know that it is something that I need to let go, I guess that Im not sure how. Just when I think that Ive worked through it, something triggers it. Im not sure that I will ever not at least have a little voice in my head about it, but I dont want it to ruin my morning like it did today.

I do absolutely blame him. His choices and his actions have put me in the situation that I am in today... But, I dont have to let that define me, you are right, and it is time that I really work on that.

I guess that I had hoped that after nearly two years of this junk I could maybe start being a regular 27 year old again!

[orangedog]

Yes, what's been done to us sucks. Divorce divides up our social world of family and friends, wrecks our finances, and takes a baseball bat to our self esteem. It wasn't my choice to go through this and from what I know it wasn't your choice either.

I think it's also natural in a situation of loss to find blame. Throughout life we all suffer losses. We lose friends, family, and things along the way, and sometimes it's just not fair. We often want blame someone, ourselves, the system, the "man", or whoever. "If it just hadn't been for...then..."

But even when the blame is justified, as in your case (and mine), holding onto it too long just prolongs the suffering and loss. It's sad what they have done. It's sad he did not hold up his end of the deal. However you should feel good about your actions. You did what you could to discover what happened and try to fix it. You did your best. Don't let him define the rest of your life.

I don't don't like feeling bitter, jealous, or crushed by what happened either. It's a natural response but I hate it. It makes me feel ugly. Cry, yell, throw some plates and get it out, but sooner or later put it to rest. It's not easy to do but necessary. Feel good about being you knowing you did the best you could.

---

A "regular 27 year old" ? What's that? Don't feel less than who you are because of what happened. As I mentioned in the first paragraph, divorce takes a lot of things away. It's hard to start over again and to see other people who have all the "stuff" in life that supposedly makes them happy. However as we heal from this we will become stronger and better. "Scars tell stories." You've lived a little now and learned some things. You will get there but right now all you need to worry about is being the best Bluerain you can be.

The Hindi greeting "Namaste" (two hands together) used in India and the East has a lot of translations but the best one I ever heard was "I see the light in you" . I see a lot of light in you, Bluerain. You are a smart, independent woman who has a lot of interests and works hard. You are aware of your feelings and committed to getting better. Keep growing that light and let others be drawn to it.

[Tostada]

I have a question regarding you're new boyfriend. I know you mentioned having a couple dates after you're ex's visit and left. The results of these made the revelation of the bf a surprise to me.

My question is, were you seeing bf at this time? If so, did your ex know this or sense this?

And.....with new bf, what effect of you 'not knowing' completely where you stood with ex, has this effected bf?

Tostada.

[bluerain]

Odog, you rock. Thank you.

Tostada, With X, I have been desperate, detached, done, back, and then done again. I was not seeing anyone when X visited, I was really hopeful when he was here, I wanted to make it work, but I think that because I had been so detached, when X pulled this again, I recovered fairly quickly, there was no doubt in my mind that enough was enough. I was really sad for a day or two and that was it. I had wasted way too much time on him.

I joined match.com a few days later, just for fun, and went on a few dates with a few guys, and I really hit it off with this guy. He knows some of what happened, I have felt a little strange about exactly what kind of information to share about it.

I havent mentioned it to X, I actually have only spoken to him once since he was here in sept, if he were to ask, I wouldnt lie about it or anything. But I dont know if he knows that I am dating or not, as far as Im concerned its not really any of his business.