Not sure if I have one. Keep my composure, do not retreat, set clear boundaries and establish a realistic set of goals within a defined periodicity. What that is right now? I'm not sure. Too many variables to be to specific with regard to goals. I'll have to establish boundaries that I am confident I can enforce with firm but fair consequences. Your thoughts?
Oblivious Me / W 47 EA 07/09 to ? PA ? M 13 Years
marriage is the most interesting event of one's life, the foundation of happiness or misery. GEORGE WASHINGTON, May 23, 1785
To start with, no OM belongins in my house hold. No secrets. When she brings up other man, should I listen for intell? or simply tell her that I'm not intersested in OM problems and go throw a football the kids.
Oblivious Me / W 47 EA 07/09 to ? PA ? M 13 Years
marriage is the most interesting event of one's life, the foundation of happiness or misery. GEORGE WASHINGTON, May 23, 1785
To start with, no OM belongins in my house hold. No secrets. When she brings up other man, should I listen for intell? or simply tell her that I'm not intersested in OM problems and go throw a football the kids.
State the OM's belongings as suggested by a couple of the posters above. Don't change a word of it.
As for listening about OM:
- NO, you don't "listen for intel," because anything she tells you will be "spin" at best, and a LIE at worst;
- NO, because it's disrespectful and hammers YOUR self-esteem, and even saps your masculinity;
- but don't phrase it as you did ("I'm not interested in OM's problems"), instead say "Please do not discuss your feelings about your boyfriend with me. It's incredibly disrespectful, and I have decided that I will no longer listen to it."
Oh, and DO pause and stare at her, for emphasis, before turning on your heel to go throw a football with the kids (which is a NICE TOUCH, that!)
Our finances are so intertwined, it’ll be difficult to sort everything out. Traditionally, I bring home most of the $, she balances the books. That’s what married people do when there is trust. I realize that that is gone, and I have a lot of research and re organizational work to do. She's not my captive, and I have absolutely no control over her, or her phone or anything else she does. This I realize. I can only motivate her to do the right thing through my own behavior modifications. We will split the bills. It may or may not reconcile our marriage, but I think I'll still be stronger and more self confident in the long run. I'm already starting to feel a bit more empowered with the inspiration I gained today from you guys. I really appreciate it. I really had to overcome the initial wimpy (poor me) syndrome. I never thought she was capable of such deception. The shell shock is starting to subside, and reality is upon me. It is time for action. I just need step by step guidance for the right action. I’m leaving for Florida next week to drive my W’s 80 year old father to his winter home. I’ll be gone for five days and plan on fishing, and relaxing. I am considering telling the W not to call me while I’m gone. So we can both take a break. We have never been seperated this long before. Your thoughts?
Oblivious Me / W 47 EA 07/09 to ? PA ? M 13 Years
marriage is the most interesting event of one's life, the foundation of happiness or misery. GEORGE WASHINGTON, May 23, 1785
I think a split of your finances is an excellent idea. I'm just trying to get you to AUGMENT it by taking one or two SPECIFIC things, things that enable her affair, to let her know that you will NO LONGER BE PAYING FOR. Cellphones are the logical choice, but you can also do it with an internet provider (if she's using the home computer to communicate with OM), plastic/cosmetic surgery payments, lingeries, professional hair coloring, etc.
I think you should go COMPLETELY dark while you're gone. But tell her in a way that you are just INFORMING her, NOT looking for some response out of her. "Just so you know, I will be unable to be reached while I'm gone. If there's an emergency, you can leave a message with (so-and-so)." If she asks you why, just say "I have some decisions I need to make."
