here we go again

[Jstar]

I've been on here various times over past 2 years. Obviously the sitch still remains.

Latest update: I'm 7 months pregnant in high risk pregnancy, fight each day keep baby alive, work take care of house, dogs and cats and 2 year, all by myself. I have no family/friend support.

Last 2 convos with WAH was he wanted to leave his tools and stuf at my house because "he plans on working things out with me" after the whole weekend of silence. He pickes up my D2 at my work 645 am since he doesn't work a real job (he picks up scrap metal to pay for his truck)not any of the household bills, diapers, my meds to keep baby alive: to take back to his place/his mother's.

I think I slipped this morning, I was trying to be doing LRT and read him that his behavior and choices are appauling, he does nothing but make my life, kids life harder then necessary. i told him he has not provided any support for months and is a dead beat dad.

I have this birth in about 2 weeks, will be csection and have to contact an agency to take me to the hospital, hold my hand in surgery and help take care of me and 2 kids after birth, go back to work after a week so I can pay for my mortgage, food, etc.

We went to one counseling session: counselor said committ to working ur marriage out for example, 60 days, work each day, eliminate the people who are against the marriage working out and committ to your family. He did nothing with it.

Advice?

[bluerain]

Hi Jstar,sounds like your having a pretty rough time!

My advice is to let him work like a crackhead, collecting scrap metal, is he stealing copper from unfinished houses yet? Really? And you focus on you and those babies.

This is an incredibly stressful time for anyone, let alone someone who is already dealing with a difficult circumstance like you are. You need to detach from this situation and start focusing on your health and wellbeing.

Hes not going to do anything with the advice from the counselor until he is ready to, and that obviously hasnt happened yet. I wouldnt let him keep his tools there, if he wants out, then he wants out. Saying "I would like to work on us" doesnt buy you free storage.

Set some hard and fast boundaries for your sake, and the sake of that baby. Keep coming on here, journaling will help you to releive some tension and you will always receive feedback. Visit and post to some other threads and you will get more responses.

[Jstar]

Through my work day I've thought about boundaries. when I of course drive to get D2 i'll drop them off at his mommies. I don't want to get into any verbal anything with him, i have a hard time controlling my emotions at this time.

Something like, it's great you say you plan on working things out with me but in the meantime it doesn't buy you free storage. give hime 2 times to pick up the rest of his stuff and return of my house key. (he can walk from house, I bought it on my own so he feels no obligation to pay) since it appears you are making some sort of income, it is necessary you take some financial responsibility for your maritial obligations. since concilliation court is a requirment prior to divorce I will keep that appointment your choice is your choice. my priority are my 2 children, being healthy, preparing for my sons birth and keeping a safe place for us to live. I have planned on a social agency helping me for a few days after the birth then i will return to work. I have not decided on childcare, prefer my son be breast fed.

does that sound like doable boundaries? to state or write?

[Jstar]

I called him since I can't do any changing on our phone service, went into my speel about boundaries, when i got to birth he hung up. i sent a message stating make me authorized user or disconnect phone, pick up stuff either one of days i selected, i heard him doing some work so i stated the financial responsibility are to the kids first and foremost, he return my housekey when he picks up his stuff, i stated with his behavior and choices did he really think he should be at the birth, that the birth was about me my d2 and pregson, he chose to walk away so he can lay in his bed he made.

[bluerain]

Hi Jstar, Im glad that you have the housing worked out, that can be a big issue! What about just having the locks changed? Then you dont have to worry about him giving your keys back, or making a copy without you knowing. Also, I would just do the phone on your own. It helps if your boundaries are things that they cant screw up, like not bothering asking him to change the phone, you just do it, dont tell him, just do it.

Did he respond to your message? I think that its good that you asked for him to help with the bills. He is the father of those kids, right? He can help to support them. You need to be documenting these things too, like your requests and things like that.

[Jstar]

No of course not a response, did not happen. I have to pursue it all. As far as the phone i'm not an authorized user so he has to give me permission, he claims that he tried but was not able to, i don't believe him.

I won't see any money, his precious truck payment is far more important. I can't stand the every morning rub of him picking up our d2 at my work, this morning he had a "worker" in the truck and my daughter was scared clinging to me and he laughs. I said, i see you still put everyone else before your kid, she's scared and he comes first.

I'm having a really hard time this morning. sitting at work in tears.

[Jstar]

i read some other posts and some advice came from a man that said to have your spouse believe or see you are dating someone else. I would love to do that, just to have conversation, in light of being pregnant and showing how or should i be doing this? just adding another complication.

[Jstar]

I probably messed up. I sent him a couple messages, telling him how bad i felt for him. that everyone at my school knew he walked away from his pregnant wife and 2 year old, (from time to time he coached)they knew he did not support or help me when i was in the hospital or on bed rest for a week, that he has been replaced and not needed, i felt better making him feel like crap if he can even feel like crap.
i know deep down he wants to work things out and wants his family but it's like how long should i be waiting for him to be doing absolutely nothing while i go on in pregnancy. i feel like i'm on a ticking clock. he says he's to angry rate now, can't deal with it, doesn't want to be told what he should do to put his marriage back together. it makes me think what did i ever see in him.
i'm so mixed in the sense of we go back and forth over the course of our relationship. this is my 3rd marriage and don't want to divorce, i don't want my children split like my eldest daugther d18.

[Ready2Change]

I'm having a really hard time this morning. sitting at work in tears.

HUGS

[Ready2Change]

i read some other posts and some advice came from a man that said to have your spouse believe or see you are dating someone else. I would love to do that, just to have conversation, in light of being pregnant and showing how or should i be doing this? just adding another complication.

This advise stems from detachment and confidence issues. The key is to TRULY DETACH and project confidence. Setting boundaries will gain YOU respect from HIM.